Lines of Love; Chapter Three part three
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Joy/
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The month wasn't easy with everything happening, most of it felt like a nightmare. Something I wish I could have woken from just so it wouldn't be true, the thought of losing Astra was painful. This was my second time coming close to that reality and it wasn't any easier to deal with. I do love Cassie but Astra holds a place inside of me I can't seem to leave behind. Cassie says I work too much but I agree with her since I do but I just wanna be ready for anything. After the call telling me what happened to Astra, I think Cassie has been worried about me more than normal. I just don't wanna live the little I have gained in life, I'm afraid of it being taken away.
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I often figure that if I work harder then I won't lose anything around me, but illusions are the best lies. Dan helped to ease my fears when I went to meet him yesterday but I'm still worried about her, so I decided to call her to check-in. That's when I realized she's probably still in therapy recovering so I just hang up immediately. Instead, I should gather a surprise breakfast for Cassie and me to have together. We have a few plans today so I'm excited to get everything in motion since I know she's been worrying about me a lot more lately.
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When I arrive at the house it's empty which means she's probably at the library, so I just make a simple breakfast. While cooking I send her a few texts seeing where she's at but I don't get a response so I put it out of my mind. I wish it was that simple but I'm trying to control myself, I'm sure she just has the phone off. I ate the food alone sitting and waiting at a table inside an empty house waiting, but it's getting so late. So I call her which goes to voicemail immediately and now I'm worried so I leave the house in search of her, hoping nothing happened to her.
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I start at the library but it's closed for the coming night so I have to go around to other spots. One by one they turn out to be vacant, panic would be putting it mildly at this point. So I head to the local Bar stop for information but once I enter shea here, eating and drinking with strangers. Who am I at this point because I feel something familiar rising but I manage to compose myself, enough. So I head over to escort her home perhaps I'm wrong but she's wasted and I can't help how I feel. I just wish they would have let us leave peacefully.
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Guy; " Hey... What do you think you-"
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I just swung sending him on his ass with a hard stare to the rest daring them to try. I know this feeling and It hurts to feel it come back but it I'm forts me right now, I'm getting lost in it that's for certain. I tell them I'm taking her home and escort her outside to the car but I know I made the wrong choice tonight. So when I get her home safely I leave a note and walk away before things spiral any further. I know I'm losing myself so it's better this way, for now, I need to clear my head.
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That night I find myself in a gym since I know the owner lives here, it's the only way to center myself. So I swing at the punching bag keeping my form proper even as I let out my anger with each punch. Astra and I don't have the easiest life I feel we both keep slipping back into that dark hole again. If she makes it out I would be happy but I don't think we can ever escape the things that haunt us so tenaciously. I don't stop punching at the bag till morning hits even though my body hurts but I push it further, I want this feeling gone. I don't wanna be that person again.
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Eventually, I'm forced to stop from exhaustion but I can still feel that thing inside of me. It wants out again and I don't know what to do because I think m losing this fight with myself. After I catch my breath and cool down enough I decide to call Astra again to my surprise she's awake this early.
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"Hey, Joy... Everything okay?"
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"It still hurts when it comes back, that feeling that begs us to return..."
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"Yea it does... Joy are you okay?"
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"I don't know I think I'm losing...What do I do."
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" I wish I knew because I'm at the edge just like you, I feel like without my legs I can't stand up. And if I can't stand up how do I resist, my recovery is going fine and I can walk better now. But it put things into perspective for me because I hate feeling weak. But what could I do against something so familiar to me when I couldn't even stand... It sucks Joy, it's unfair."
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"Ha yeah... you couldn't stand and I can't find a way to fight back, I hit one of Cassie's friends. It felt good but it wasn't right I'm sure... Do we ever consider just giving up Astra...?"
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"Yeah we do every day we live to see the sun again but maybe something is waiting for us. So I think giving up isn't possible yet."
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"Always the fighter Astra... Thank you so much."
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"In another life Joy... Maybe we could have been better friends and you wouldn't have had to suffer alone... Keep going, Joy."
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That made me ole through the tears but I had to hang up quickly before she heard me crying. She's feeling that same familiar feeling creeping back up it seems so I'm not alone, even though she's trying to get her family started. Astra has a strength inside her that keeps her fighting hack even when she feels crippled by the world. So what do I have that keeps me pushing forward exactly, I wish I knew. That's when my phone rings and it's Cassie.
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"Morning sleepy head..."
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