Lines of Love; Chapter 3/pt 4
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Cassie/
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It was the first time in a long time I went out to have fun, but in doing so the one at home was left waiting. I don't remember much but my messages and the letter clear everything up mostly. Joy has given me so much and sacrificed so much for me yet I am terrible at being a girlfriend. I thought it would be easy but she had a lot of things going on that I can't seem to understand fully. And now this happened because I was a little too free and careless, I don't wanna lose her. I don't wanna cry but I'm so afraid she will leave me without a thought, it's only been some years and yet.
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" How bad did I mess up... And can I apologize for it, because I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you I just... Had the freedom to do something off-limits normally. Joy don't hate me please. "
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" it's not you, it's me, I love you Cassie I know that... It's just this thing inside of me is strong and I don't wanna hurt you. I'm trying so hard but last night I felt it crawling back up. I was so angry and jealous the feeling was overwhelming..."
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" We can work this out Joy, let me help you... Please come home.?"
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She let the silence linger for a moment longer but she agreed, which settled some fears of mine. But I needed her here so I can make this right, I should get dressed before she arrives. I didn't think much about what I would wear and didn't bother with showering for long either. I knew she would be here soon so I wanted to be ready for this.
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After thirty minutes her car pulled up and she was soon stepping inside, I was afraid and couldn't form words. So I just ran into her arms hoping against my fear we will be fine, but at the first touch, I felt resistance. It hurts but I don't let go just yet.
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" Cassie... I'm not going anywhere, I just don't wanna hurt you."
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" Then tell me and let me share your fears so we can lay them to rest... Come on Joy let me in so I can know you."
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It took her some time to find the words but I didn't mind I listened and waited patiently. Most of what she said I already knew about but some things she said were new. I guess the main thing is she was drawing lines between us trying to keep herself from hitting me, even if it meant burying herself. This shouldn't be how our relationship is we shouldn't be dancing between the lines like this.
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" Joy... Do you hate yourself that much.?"
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" Yes... I'm trying but I can't be a better person if my old self is just lurking on the fringes of my mind."
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" I have fallen in love with you for all your flaws because I see the person you are with me... I see what you sacrifice for me. If you can't live yourself right now then please let me... One day you will see the person I see."
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It's hard to admit that I once drew a line between us and now that I see someone else doing that it hurts. If we are in love then it shouldn't be a line dividing us from each other. I just need her to see what I see in her because it hurts knowing she truly hates herself.
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" Are we... Okay, Joy?"
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" I hope so... I'm sorry."
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Even after so long I'm still learning things about her, I feel like a child at times. We finally settled down to have some food before making plans today, slowly she returned to me. The Joy who loved me before I knew what I truly wanted, the Joy I fell in love with before I was cured. After eating we decided to head out to a beach for the day which meant I could wear a bikini finally, which was embarrassing. But I was curious how Joy would look in one also she has a great body for sure so I can't wait to see it.
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She was smiling again so I'm sure this is what we need, we didn't live too far from a beach luckily. All that was left was to talk and pass the time till we arrived, mostly discussing dinner plans that's for sure. But for some reason, I had a question I left unsaid for so long and I finally asked.
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"Hey, Joy... Do you think Astra hates herself the same way that you do.?"
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The silence was heavy but she didn't answer me either it's almost like a forbidden question. I shouldn't have asked but after hearing so much and learning so much I couldn't help wonder. I knew Joy hated herself but I figured in time she could heal, but the more I learn the more I know. Healing is for those cracked not broken and they have been broken from what I understand about life for them. But we were pulling up to the beach and the question raised from my mind, because I didn't think she would answer.
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" She hates herself more than me, to be honest, it's not easy to be abandoned and thrown away. And then when her mother came back to her it's like having to face something buried beneath every shattered piece of glass. Astra has been thrown away, not just by her parents or her best friend or even by her brother. Life also threw her away, it could have saved her but it didn't... If it wasn't for Gina, Astra would have given up already... Even though I have strong feelings for her, I couldn't even come close to what Gina accomplished... I hate that the most because I know this is truth."
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If Joy is like Astra does that mean I'm like Gina, have I pulled her back enough to save her. I want to be naive and believe that but I can't help feeling jealous like at any moment Astra can take her from me. Dare I ask her, can I be thet selfish and childish, force her into a no-win situation. I don't think I can it's obvious how she feels about us, my insecurities won't trample what we have, I have some growing to do still.
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" Cassie I just want you to know I'm thankful for what I have with you... You saved me."
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That last part was a whisper to the wind but I heard it clearly, and if she only knew that she saved me just the same.
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