Another day. I hate myself more and more for leaving, leaving that world, leaving her. God, how could I have been so stupid! I long for her, I want for her, to feel her embrace again...I don't sleep at night, instead I am wide awake, with longing. It is a stupid, terrible wanting thing, but I so badly desire it. She is what I need, I long for her, I want for her...
Love has never been something I trusted in, but she makes me trust it. I miss her, god, I miss her. Nothing feels the same without her, not anymore. She took me into her world, made me believe it, and now that she's gone, it will never be the same as it was before. Her world was one of brightness, and colours, and lights hanging on the walls. Her world was bright, and shiny. My world is dull, and dark, and dreary. The weather is cold, everything is cold. There is no fun to be found, nothing that can make it bright. She took me in, offered me a taste of her world, and then I was shut out.
I have to find her again. I must, what other choice do I have? I am miserable without her, I am lonely. There is an unending void of sadness, and I long for her to fill it...to pull me out of it. If only it were that simple, if only this was a black and white world. If only a gangster could love a detective...she didn't love me, I am sure of it. She must've tricked me, that harlot. She never loved me, obviously..who would love me? She wasn't the trickster, I was..or maybe it's the other way around..good lord, I don't know! She's a paradox, something I can never uncover. But yet, I cannot help to yearn for her, to wish to be back in her arms again. She is my world, the catalyst, and the one I live for. I yearn for her, long for her, wish for her just to call me baby again.
I lay awake at night, wishing for her. I don't sleep, she haunts my dreams. An angel in her own right, the one who protects me. I used to protect her, I was her bodyguard. when I was supposed to be following her. I would protect her, and she would protect me, and when we were together, we were unstoppable.
I cannot focus anymore. Between losing her, and losing Ben, my mind is too distracted. Harry tries to distract me, tries to catch my eye. I could never explain to him, he would scorn me for it, and I would never be allowed to go on a mission such as that again. The wife of businessman Harry Densmore, the Pinkerton girl, in love with another woman! Only I am hardly a girl, I am twenty-eight, and yet they all refuse to see that. They still see me as a young girl. Oh, if only I could show them..then they would let me do whatever, and it would be nothing.
Hell, if only I was a man. Then I could love her the way I so want to. Men do anything, they have their way all the time. But us women, we don't get to...not yet. Irene is living proof that a woman can do anything a man can. I want to love her in the ways a man loves a woman. I don't just want to..I will.
I must. I have to find her, to confess everything to her. I don't have a choice, I feel as though I may die if I do not.
ns 18.68.41.177da2
