The rooftop of the factory. The one true place I feel as though I could call home. It is late, almost in the hours of the early morning. I've snuck up here, obviously. Jonathan would never let me leave, not at this hour..
I stuff my hands into my pockets, feeling around for my pipe. It's a birthday gift, Anna gave it to me for my 21st birthday. It's my favourite gift that I've ever gotten. She carved my initials onto it, when she gave it to me. Irene Aria Calla, IAC. She loved seeing me use it, it made her so happy. I loved seeing her happy...she had such a pretty smile, and her laugh was the sound of bells ringing, I swear. I wanted to give her the stars, she was so amazing.
As I climb up the stairs, I begin to inhale the smoke. It's a peculiar smell, the smell of smoke. I've grown up around it my whole life, it's the smell of my clothing, my hair. I was forged in hell, and I shall constantly bear the mark of it. Smoke is what gave me life, it is the beginning and the ending, for me. It's been around me my whole life, I never really had a choice. Mama always smoked, so did Father. Then I started smoking, and so did the men I was always around. It made me fit in, and it easily helped me to make them realize I meant business, even when they truly doubted me. Jonathan hated it whenever I smoked, so I made a point to do it even more when I was around him. Anna knew how much he hated when I smoked, so it helped. Then she got me my pipe when I was 21, and I kept it. Thomas...I don't do it around him.
When I reach the top, I look around. God, I've always loved this place. It has one of the best damn views in the city, always one of my favourite places to go during the nighttime. I remember bringing Josephine here, for the first time, when I still believed her to be Jaqueline White. We sat here the whole night, talking for hours on end. We rarely came up here, both of us prefered to stay closer to the house..it was almost as if we were safe here, yes, but we were safer there. There, no one could find us, if we hid well enough. We almost always did, and even if we didn't, it wasn't like people were walking around the house in the dead of night, trying to find us.
I take a breath, and sit down near one of the smokestacks. God, what I wouldn't give for her to be with me..I already know what would happen. I'd sit here, and she'd sit across from me, and she'd smile, and everything would be okay. I'd smoke, and she'd talk about our plans for running away, and maybe she'd try and smoke too, and we'd laugh when she coughed up all the smoke. Then, we'd sit and talk more, and maybe, just maybe, I'd get the sweet feeling of her lips on mine. She was always the most adorable thing, she'd be all flustered.
She's small, smaller than me. I could easily pick her up. I carried her, some days, up to here. She'd climb on my back, and grab onto my arms, and I'd carry her up the stairs, until we reached the stacks.
I take my pipe out of my pocket, and light it, putting it to my lips. The taste of tobacco is one that I have long since adjusted to; after all, one grows used to such things after so many long years. To me, it is the taste of home, the feel of being back where I belong. Josephine liked to joke that I grew up smoking, with a pipe in my mouth when I came out of my mother's womb. It was a joke we had shared, the two of us. Ben would always laugh, say we did more joking around then we did anything else. I couldn't disagree with him, it was true. I treasured everything I did with her, every moment. Even when I didn't know who she was, I would always want to be with her. Her smile, her laugh, it made everything bearable. She was the light of my life, she made me want to live.
I take a drag, releasing the smoke in circles. Josie was always amused when I did that, and her laugh was one of the most beautiful sounds I ever heard. It would make her laugh, which made me smile. She always had a way of that, I think. Jonathan would always talk about how much I smiled when she was there, how I would be so bright and bubbly. He was so happy, when I would smile, because it meant he thought he was doing something to make me happy. He wasn't happy now, of course, ever since I cut my hair. He was upset, and my back had the marks to show it. My hair had the marks to show it, too, but that was self-inflicted. That was a choice. My back, however...was not.
God, I had the most amazing dream last night...Josephine was there, and so was Anna. We had run away together, into the forest...somewhere far, far away, like California. Anna always talked about wanting to be a movie star in Hollywood, and so we went to California. Josephine and Anna had only met a few times, and I was always with them when they met.
I do not know if I was ever in love with Anna. I do not know if I will ever truly know the answer to the Anna question.
I know I can feel love. If I couldn't, then why do I feel it now? But love..love is a posion to me. It kills me, burns me from the inside out. I shall never let it touch me again.
ns 15.158.61.12da2
