The bell rang. And without having a second thought, I immediately pick up my things and put them in my bag. I looked at my watch, and it was still a little early, but I was so excited to spend time with Gray again.
I thought I would meet him in his office so we could go to the rooftop together. Still, I thought it would be too obvious that I was that excited t see him, so I just went straight to the rooftop. I crossed the field, occasionally dodging the student playing soccer in the sun's heat. Eventually, I reached building B and went to the rooftop. I inhaled the cold air as I tried to cool myself, but unfortunately, it was starting to drizzle, which I found strange because the sun was still at its peak.
I looked around, and I saw nobody. Then I came to think about Paul. We haven't been talking since we returned from the retreat, but I still look at him as a friend, and whenever I come here, I hope he will be here as well, watching the setting sun again. I walked towards the corner and watched the university grounds. I watched the shadows of the students stretch long across the field as they all shouted and teased each other in glee.
As the rain began to fall, I closed my eyes and let the soothing sound wash over me. It was a gentle, rhythmic tapping that was almost hypnotic. My heart began to beat in time with the rain, and I felt myself relax even more.
But then, the sound of the door opening broke the peaceful silence. I knew who it was without even looking, and I waited for him to approach me. But instead of speaking, there was only silence. It was as if I was suddenly alone, despite his presence.
I opened my eyes and turned to him, curious as to why he was so quiet. But still, he said nothing. It was a strange and eerie feeling, but I couldn't help but be drawn in by the mystery of it all.
I was about to turn around when I heard footsteps slowly approaching me.
"Flavus?" the familiar voice called out, jolting me from my trance. My knees shook beneath me, weakened by the emotions that coursed through me. I turned to see her standing before me, her hair longer and her face more defined than the last time we met. Despite the changes, her eyes were the same - sad and teary, just like mine.
I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as she embraced me, but I couldn't bear the weight of her embrace for long. I gently pushed her away, unable to fully face the flood of memories and feelings that she brought back.
"Flavus?" She said again. I was still looking at her and wondered what is she doing here. And what does she want? "I'm sorry, son. I'm so sorry," She said as she wiped the tears flowing down her cheeks.
"Sorry?" I managed to say in between my rattling voice. "That's all you can say? Sorry? Mom, it was almost four years. And it was right after my brother died. You left me alone to grieve like a baby who lost his toy." I paused and looked at her coldly as I asked, "And then you just showed up like this. Thinking that I would be happy to see you?" I began getting angry by now that my voice was actually getting louder.
"I didn't mean to do that... It's just..."
"Just what, mom?! Just what?! Just wanted to escape. Just wanted to avoid all the burdens that we might face. That you left me all alone. And every night, I asked myself why everyone had left me. I asked myself if I was the problem, and for god's sake, I asked that myself every night until it was not the question anymore. It became the answer." I was now speaking so fast that I didn't know if she was able to understand what I was saying
"Flavus, please, just calm down," she said. I stopped talking but couldn't control my tears, so I just let them flow. She looked down as she walked toward me and tried to take my hand, but I just waved his hand.
"That's not true, Flavus. You're not the reason why I left. It's just that I was so lost... I lost your brother, and with him gone, I thought that my life was gone as well. I thought that if I stayed there, I would die." she said, breaking into tears.
"I hope that it was that easy. That one day, you came back and said that you're just lost because Rob died, and I would understand and be happy again. I wish it was that easy. But it wasn't mom. And you know what? You're lucky that you get to grieve for him. Because I can't... For a very long time, I suppressed myself from grieving my own brother because I knew there was no one to comfort me. Because I know that you're never going to come back."
She then grabbed my hand successfully now and squizzed it very hard, but I felt numb.
"I'm sorry, Flavus. I know it has been terrible for you..." I pulled my hand back and said. "You're not sorry. You just wanted to make it up to your conscience. That's why you're here. And by the way. How did you find me?" I asked. She just looked at me, and that's when the door of the rooftop slammed open.
It was Mr. Gray. When I saw him, I suddenly felt a surge of warmth because I knew I now had an ally who would understand me. But as fast as this warmth shot up, it was also as fast that I felt like something heavy had been dropped in my stomach when I saw his reaction. I abruptly thought about something that made me actually angry.
"Why is she here, Mr. Gray?" I asked directly at him. And at this time, I was preparing to hear something I didn't think I was ready to know.
Mr. Gray looked at me, just like that time when I confronted him. I saw him carefully thinking of the words he was about to say.
"He has nothing to do with it, Flavus. He just wanted to help you," mom said, and it all occurred to me at that moment. Why does he suddenly want to meet me here, and why at this time?
I felt my ears getting hot because of the anger. I looked at my mother and angrily inquired about what she had just said.
"You mean he knew all of this?" she was shocked by my loud voice, but I didn't care. I turned to Mr. Gray and asked, "You knew she would be here? Wait... Did you know it before or after you told me to get here?" Again, I was angry. I wasn't angry because he brought my mother here but because he didn't tell me first.
"I just wanted to help you, Flavus... I didn't mean to..."
"Help me? "Does this look like it's helping at all? And who are you to decide for me, huh?... You can't even..." My mother tried to prevent me from going near him, but she failed.
"I... I'm sorry, Flavus... I..."
"Just... just stop, okay,"
"Flavus, this is enough. He is your teacher!" Mom utters. I looked at her and finally realized that she was right but also wrong at the same time. She was right that he was a teacher, but Gray wasn't just a teacher to me. He was so much more than that. But as afraid as he was. I still can't say it.
"You're right. He is just my teacher. So please excuse me. SIR!" I ran out of the rooftop and heard my mom calling, but she was obviously too slow to keep pace with me as I sprinted back to my dorm. Some students look at me as I get there, but I don't care anymore. I ran as fast as I could, and there I found out that it was indeed an extremely bad idea to not use the elevator when you're crying.
I slammed myself on my bed and thought I would pass out. But I still cried hard as I felt that I had been betrayed again. Both my mother and Gray.
#
Two days have passed since that incident happened, and I can't be absent anymore, so I halfheartedly went to the university today, hoping that I would not see Mr. Gray or my mother.
I'm still getting a bunch of messages from Mr. Gray, but all of my energy has been depleted, and I didn't even bother to read his messages. Plus, I haven't been sleeping that well again because the vision of Augustus has been appearing in my dreams again. But unlike the first ones, this seems to be just because of me thinking about what had happened that night.
Finally, my last class for the day had ended, and as I was packing my things into my bag, I saw a pack of cigarettes. My brows furrowed as I tried to remember when I put it there. My mouth watered at the thought of its aroma lingering inside my lungs. I stared at it for a moment, and when I realized I was the only one in the room, I decided I wanted to break one last rule. Hoping that it would somehow be made me a little bit better.
I walked out of the classroom, but instead of going to the front gate, I went to the other side of the building. I think I knew the perfect place to do it. I went to the old storage room where one fire exit was located. I know the CCTV camera wasn't working, and no student was hanging around that place. But when I got there, I heard footsteps coming from the storage room, making me think that it was the utility or the other staff that was in there. The thought of the cigarette's aroma playing in my mouth started to disappear as I knew that I couldn't smoke now.
I was about to leave when I heard a familiar voice. Very familiar that I have to stop and listen again.
"I didn't do it for me. I did it for him. Because he would be better off without you!" It was Paul. "And you're not that dumb, Sir. You know that it is unethical and against the rule of the university." He added.
Sir? Did he say, Sir? Is it Gray he was talking to? These are the questions that are playing in my mind right now. Carefully, I took a step forward and spied on the gap in the window. And it confirms my inference. It was indeed Paul and Mr. Gray.
"As far as I know, I am not breaking any university rules by being concerned with Flavus. I want what's best for him," Mr. Gray said.
"Not breaking any rules, huh? The rule book says that a teacher cannot be in an intimate relationship with any of his or her students."
"Is that what you think? That's why you tell the Dean about what happened during the retreat and on the field trip and everything we did together. Is that it?" Mr. Gray emphasized every word that he was saying. "And just to tell you, Mr. Morris, Flavus and I don't have an intimate relationship," I don't know, but my heart seemed to skip a beat when I heard him say that. Disappointment came rushing again in my whole body, and I found it difficult to find rhythm in my breathing as my heart began to race.
"Not yet, Sir. Or it just hasn't been said by either one of you?"
"Whatever you say, Paul. It was never my intention to hurt him, unlike you, who have been pretending to be his friend. Still, the truth is you're just waiting for him to be vulnerable so that you may have a chance to comfort him about the things that he is frustrated with when the truth is, it is you that caused all of this," I gasp as Mr. Gray said those words lucky that they're both heated in their argument that they didn't hear it. "But you know what? I think you're about to get what you want. Because Flavus is still dead mad at me. But whatever it caused me, I will tell him the truth."
"No. You don't have to, Sir," I said as I entered the room.
"Flavus? What are you doing here?" Mr. Grays said. I can also see Paul's eyes widen as he sees me enter the room. I ignored his question and looked directly at Paul.
"Is it true, Paul? That you're the one who told the Dean about Mr. Gray and me? You did that just to be with me?" I said angrily. While confronting him, he just looked at me, and I couldn't see any remorse in him. It was like he was all fine with me finding out about it.
"Yes, Flavus. I did it," he said coldly. I stared at him for a long moment, trying to choose the best thing to do. "It was only because I wanted to be with you," he admitted.
"What? I... Though we're okay? I thought you were fine with us being just friends because it can't be more than that. I thought we'd cleared that."
"Yes. I also thought that I could do it. That I can be with you as a friend because you can't love me, but I can't..." Paul paused and looked at Mr. Gray. "I can't because now, I know the reason," he said.
"Whatever you're thinking, Paul, it's not true," Mr. Gray butted in, and I could see the change in Paul's face.
"See Flavus? He can't even admit that he wants you. How can you be so foolish as to believe that he cares for you?" he asked me.
I admit that it breaks my heart what he said because it is true. Mr. Gray never admitted what he was feeling toward me. And maybe that is the reason why I still have this heavy feeling burdening me.
"You know what? This is full of crap. You're full of crap, Paul. And also you! Coward!" I shouted to Mr. Gray before I sprinted out of the room.
But before I even made it out of the long hallway, the bell rang, and the rest of the students went out of their classrooms, making it hard for me to make my way in.
"You're a coward too, Flavus!" I heard Paul shout, which made all the remaining students silent and alternately looked at us. A surge of anger then took over me, and the next thing I knew, I was sprinting back to punch him, but Mr. Gray emerged in front of me.
"Flavus! Stop! Stop!" it was then that I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I was being pushed back to the wall. "Flavus! Calm down! Calm down!" Mr. Gray called out to me while pushing me away from Paul, who was ready to take my punches. I clenched my hands and attempted to push him away, and I saw other students coming in.
"Why don't you let him punch me, Mr. Gray?" Paul asked.
"Shut up, Mr. Morris! Just leave already. Don't make it worse!" Mr. Gray shouted, and I could see the shocked face of the students because it may be the first time they saw Mr. Gray was actually mad. Same as I was, he too was panting. He was between me and Paul, who was still looking at me.
"Why would I shut up? You don't want them to know the truth?" he said. I saw Mr. Gray's eyes filled with fury, but he was just trying not to hurt Paul.
"Mr. Morris. I said you have to stop it or-"
"Or what? You're going to put me in detention again? What about Flavus? What are you going to do with him? What would be his punishment? Because as far as I know, he was the one who wanted to punch me." I felt Mr. Gray's hand clenched into a fist as he saw Paul smirking.
"Or do you want me to be the one who would tell everybody..." Paul said as he looked into the crowd. Mr. Gray was ready to burst out his anger, but I held his hand. I looked directly into his eyes and shook my head. I felt him relax his fist; I know it was because he was taken aback by my actions.
"Flavus..." Mr. Gray said as he turned to look at me, and I could see that he was so angry that his eyes were rumbling. I felt so sorry for him, but I kept my composure. We were now in the hallway full of students.
"Okay, I think it's time for you to know..."
"Mr. Morris," Mr. Gray said sternly.
"That our respected Mr. Gray and Flavus, one of our fellow students, is..." before he could say anything more. I dive towards him and punch him right in the face. The impact made him fall to the floor.
"I don't need to hear it," I said as I was being pushed away by the other students and Mr. Gray, who was so shocked by what I did. But I didn't regret it. Instead, I felt satisfied. I back away for a moment to catch my breath.
"Stop this nonsense now!" A loud and deep voice was heard from the end of the hallway. And there, the pool of students gradually vacates the middle of the hallway, just enough for the Dean and other teachers to make their way.
"I want the three of you in my office!" the headmaster said. "And don't you all have classes to take?" he added, and just like that, the students dispersed as if nothing had happened.
Mr. Gray offered a hand to Paul, but he refused it. As he stood up, he wiped his bruised lips with the back of his hand while he looked at me. At that moment, I wanted to punch him again, but Mr. Gray held my arm and walked me toward the office of the Dean. But I have another plan. I didn't want to be scolded by the one behind all of these, so instead of going to the office, I kept walking straight. I heard Mr. Gray call me, but I did not look back. It was satisfying, at least. But I still hope that he will be walking with me here. But he does not.
I reached the parking lot and got in my car. I started to drive with nowhere to go. I drove aimlessly around the streets, turning and turning, and it's been nearly an hour since I'd driven around alone.
Then the next thing I felt is tiredness. I suddenly became tired of everything. Why did I have to have feelings for a man who I thought would stand up for me? Too many questions. Why was I so stupid? I was so foolish and immature to believe that it would be okay to have feelings for my teacher. Thought that maybe, I should have just told myself I liked him. And once I did, everything would carry on normally because we were already okay with just being a student and a teacher, but it's not. I can't.
I stopped on the side of the road I was not familiar with. As my tears just won't stop falling again. I sighed softly to myself because I was in a position where I knew what I had gotten myself into. Many thoughts cross my mind. Would it be better if I just left and leave everything behind? But somehow, I can't. I can't run again because I don't want to face the consequences of my actions.
I was in the middle of crying when my phone rang. I have to wipe my tears to clearly see who it is. And for good twenty seconds, I just stared at Mr. Gray's phone number before actually answering it.
"Where are you, Flavus?" he asked. The most obvious worried tone was evident in his voice.
I can't answer him. I just let my tears flow and sobbed nonstop while he asked where I was. Until I have the courage to end the call and just message him. "Carnival193Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzwuP3hY7v
