Under an evening sky, I inhaled the cigarette as I waited for Ava to make her exit from the studio. Thoughts, her words floating through my mind like woman screaming into a never-ending cave. What had she gained from any of that? Why had told me that she was talking to Ava about me? Why had she tried to tell me about Ava, and how strong of a woman she was? Hadn't that much been clear?
Most importantly, hadn't my feelings for Ava been made clear?
Molly had seemed as though she had been holding something back, something that I hadn't said or done to Ava. I had lied, I had no clue what Molly had been referring to. What had I done? Fuck her brains out? Check. Tell her about myself? Check. Had I made my feelings known? Check. I had simply wrung out my brain, thinking and thinking for some logical answer, but none had come.
Had she been fucking with me, pulling me around like string around her finger? The answer had been at the tip of my tongue. It had been some kind of knowing, some kind of feeling. Yet, as much as they struggled - scratched and clawed - they couldn't reach my mind. The words couldn't find their way to me. An image, yet a blur. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Smoke, smoke, smoke.
"You're the same." the dull voice sounded off. "You put too much faith into faith, and when that faith doesn't work, it crushes you."
"You're comparing me to you?" I loaded my figurative gun, looking down at her.
"People like you are so predictable. A couple bad things happen to you, and you suddenly think the world is out to get you. You think that knife is always aiming for your back. You are the lone hated person on the planet - and when someone gets close to you, you feel like you have to push them away. Having your parents murdered will do that someone, yeah?" She stole my cigarette from me, dropping it and stepping on it. "Help yourself by helping someone else, idiot. It's only three fucking words."
"Three...?" I pushed myself up from the wall.
"Yeah, dipshit." She turned back. "It's those three words that every fucking normie wants to hear. Jesus, you're fucking dumb. I hope I don't ever see you again."
It had hit me like a linebacker. Had I really missed something so obvious? Why had it taken that mini-truck driver to wake me up? Rather, why had it taken another person at all to realize something so simple? If had been so simple, then why had it felt so foreign? Had those three words really mattered that much to Ava, or had it been the thought of them that mattered?
While I had clearly been smacked like a bitch by a middle-schooler, she had also made realize a few things. "Hey. Thanks."
Looking down to my left, I had been met with a pair of dark brown eyes. However, just as quickly as I had looked at her, she had turned her head and went inside. Left alone, again, I lit another cigarette as I watched the sky turn a slight shade of pink. When had nature become so eye-catching, something so worth looking at?
Ever since Ava had rolled into my life, little things had changed around me - and little by little, I had noticed those small things. The weight on my shoulders had lightened by a fraction of a pound, my breaths had come every so slightly easier than before, and the clarity within my thoughts had become less fogged. Had all of this been because of Ava? Had my world changed because of Ava? Interrupting my train of thought, Ava had passed through doorway - her hair damp, droplets of water reflecting off of the light.
"Can I take you somewhere?" I asked.
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As I led Ava through a branchy, grassy path that clearly hadn't been maintained, I let memories of this area crawl through my head. The laughs, the friends, and Kylie. In that moment, it had spontaneously came back as I had taken her to an area that a lot of people hadn't known existed. Had this been a good decision, a good place to do something like this? Had this been the fruition of exploring as a child, to find this place for events like this?
Pushing a few branches aside as though it had been a doorway, I let Ava walk past me and through the path I had opened for her. There it lied, the sight that had been so breathtaking back then was just as breathtaking at that moment. As far as the eye had been able to see where small white flowers, flowing in the direction of the small wind that blew in a south-western direction.
"It's beautiful." Ava turned, looking quizzically. "Who owns this place?"
"I dunno. I found it when I was kid. You're like one of six people who know about this place, I think." I answered, sighing. "...I kinda think the place was meant for you."
This place had been so bright, so white as it epitomized something dazzling. Much like Ava. She had been so dazzling, so bright. Every time she released a smile, a little of my own darkness had been burnt away, repelled by the light. Darkness and the light, could they coexist? Could they be one? A beauty and a demon, could they find solace in one another?
"I've always wanted to leave this place, but every time I do, I think of us. Me and Kylie. Every time I think of her face, I think of pain." I spoke out of place. "This is the only place that holds good memories for me, things that I can look back on and smile about. I want you to be a part of them, and more. I don't want to think about and feel pain in this place anymore."
Walking further down the hill until I had been at eye level with Ava, I stopped and approached her. "What are you saying?"
The strongest breeze of that day had passed at that moment, as though to only further illustrate Ava's beauty. As the breeze continued to blow, her hair flowed with it - her crescent shaped eyes slightly more opened than usual - maybe wonder, surprise? Why hadn't I been able to see inside of her, why hadn't I been able to see what she had been thinking?
What had I been saying? Indeed, what had I been saying? Why had I been talking about my dead ex in a place like this? Why had I brought her up if I had wanted to rid myself of those very memories, those painful thoughts that seemed to have been permanently trapped within me? Had I been trying to confront myself, and my pain through Ava? Or had I realized that it doesn't feel as bad with her by my side?
"I don't know yet." the wind finally began to slow. "When I'm with you, everything becomes so easy. I don't have to fake everything. When you're around, I can laugh for real. I can smile for real. I can let everything go when I'm around you. Why is it like that with only you? Why does it feel like I can be myself with you? Shit's changed."
Ava shook her head, a slight look of distrust passed over her face. "Is that why you brought me here, so you could just tell me that I'm your fucking band-aid? Shit's changed? What does that even mean?"
"...No?" I let my hand reach out, only to have it smacked away. "Jesus..."
Ava stayed silent, looking as though she could flown away at any moment. Why, why had her expression resembled pain? Had it been me, myself that had caused that look? Had it been because of the memories I had spoken of? Had it been the words I hadn't said, the feelings I hadn't shown? As Ava began to move back, I followed her. What had this tension been within me? Why had my mind given such refusal to let her go?
My hair curtained my eyes as I latched onto her wrist, not letting her go.
"Are you not going to let me go?" Ava turned, hissing ice cold venom as she tried to pull herself free.
Say it. Just. Fucking. Say. It.
As her lithe wrist rested in my tight grip, I pulled her towards me. Even if she hadn't wanted it, even if she would laugh at me and then run away, I had needed to say this. Even if Ava had hated me for it, this had been the only way to close the distance between us. With the momentum, Ava had fallen into my chest - her forehead pressed against the blade of my shoulder.
My head fell downwards, putting my mouth closer to her ear as the breeze now hit my back. "I love you."
I could feel Ava's head lift up, slightly enough to feel the weight being taken off my shoulder. She took a step back, looking at me with shocked expression - more than I would have expected. Why had she looked dumbfounded? Hadn't this been what she was waiting for, hadn't she wanted this enough to go talk to other people about it? Had it been that surprising coming from me?
"That's really it?" Ava lifted her hand, using her palm to shield her mouth.
"Yeah?" I answered with another question, not understanding her in the least. "Wasn't it obvious?"
"I don't know." Ava spoke with her mouth still covered. "It kind of felt like you were going to break up with me."
It hadn't been me? It had been Ava misreading the situation, or rather, protecting herself from anything bad that may come? Much like something I would have done myself, Ava had only been trying to prepare herself for oncoming danger - both mentally and emotionally - if she had been prepared, she was able to take the hit. While that clearly hadn't been my intention, I had understood it and I wasn't going to blame her for it.
"Sorry for, you know, what I said." Ava sat down on the grass, her cheeks overcome with a shade of pale pink. "I don't care if I'm your band-aid, if it helps you get better than just use me. I don't know what came over me, but it felt like it was going to hurt. It felt like you were trying to give me an answer for why you were going to leave."
"I don't blame you at all. I probably would have done the same thing." I brushed my hair over of the back of my head. "...and you aren't a band-aid, you're so much more than that. You're like, I don't know, a surgeon who's taking a bullet out of me or something. But definitely not a band-aid."
Ava laughed at my odd comparison, even though it had been the only thing I was able to come up with on the spot. She opened her mouth, as though she had been ready to say something to me, but stopped just as quickly as she started.
"Shoot." I nearly ordered. "Remember what you said earlier?"
"It's not important or anything, but okay..." Ava brushed her hair behind her ear.
"Why did you bring me here to say that you loved me? I thought it was pretty obvious that we felt the same way about each other."784Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBHoDWUXin
