"Leave me the fuck alone, for good."
Without even knowing it, I had rammed fist into the locker that lied behind her - leaving a dent that had been just as large and deep as the one in my heart, as cheesy as that sounded. Ava's words had echoed throughout my being, my entire body. They had been words that I expected, yet had never wanted to hear at the same time. However, there I had stood. Hollowed, carved out through one short sentence.
"Why?" my teeth began to grit as my hair fell over my face. "What the fuck did I do to deserve this kind of attitude?"
At that moment, something had been coursing through me. Something that had made me want to collapse, to leave, and to forget that I had even existed. What had pain felt like again? Was this it? I felt like I had finally been crushed by the weight on my shoulders, and I hadn't had enough strength to get back up. What was the point? It all had just been another thing I fucked up, so why had I been trying so hard?
Ava's voice had slightly shaken as she led herself into speaking. "Isn't it obvious? You're toxic. I tried so hard to love you, even with everything you fucked up. You just can't help yourself, and I can't help you. Haven't you noticed that when we're together, it's always just drama stacked on top of more fucking drama. We're either fighting or making up about something. The only thing we have in common is that we can't talk to each other and that we're both fucked in the head."
"Why are you saying this now?"
"Because you'll just follow me around like a lost puppy if I don't say anything." Ava pushed me away. "I don't want you in my life anymore. I can't take having something like you in my life anymore. I'm fucked up enough as it is and you just make it worse."
"What hap-"
"Are you fucking deaf? I don't want you in my life anymore. Go run away, or kill yourself or something. I don't give a fuck any-"
Ava had suddenly stopped talking for some reason - as though she had seen something that had stopped her in her tracks. Rather, what had she seen that stopped her? Lifting my head in a delayed fashion, I saw Ashlynn standing behind me with my phone in her hand. Had I forgotten it? Why had she come all the way to the school to bring it in the first place? She had no responsibility to do that, and to have topped it all off, she heard all that.
Ava and Ashlynn had looked at one another, looks that had bordered on glaring. Ashlynn had not said a word, only shaking her head as though she had been just as disbelieving of the words as I had been. What had this tension been? Why had Ava come out of nowhere acting like that, when she had shown no signs of it before? Standing up straight, I looked at Ava. Was there anything I could have said?
"What the hell happened to you, Ava? The 'you' I knew would never say that to someone." Ashylnn had jumped in before I had the chance. "You don't deserve anyone."
"Says the girl that never told me about my boyfriend cheating on me." Ava spit venom in return. "Just leave me alone already."
She opened the door to her classroom and vanished inside, leaving me and her former best friend in the dead silence of the school hallways. Death could have met me face to face at that moment and I wouldn't have flinched. I had been near empty, just like the good ol' days after Kylie had died. The cold blood and black heart had returned, leaving me in that dark space I had spent so much time in before.
.
.
.
How much time had passed?
Had it been weeks, a month, two maybe? I had been so hammered that I had lost count of time. Alcohol had been my friend the past few weeks, leaving me feeling full and satiated within my own world. My old ways, slowly but surely, had found their way back to me - mostly, at least. So many things had changed in those quick-moving months with Ava, and some of them had been ingrained within me through repetition.
Sitting up, a hangover hit like a freight train going twice the legal speed limit. I looked around the room to see various pieces of lingerie and alcoholic containers varying from beer to liquor. What had happened? Most of that week itself had been a blur, and the remaining evidence hadn't said much besides "drunk" and "getting laid". What exactly had happened?
The last thing I had remembered was paying some guy to buy a good bit of alcohol for me, after that it had been flashes of sex, sex, and drugs. As I sat all the way up and threw my blanket off of me, I had been met with the sight of a pair of bright pink panties wrapped around my left ankle. Then a knock on the door jolted me even further awake.
"Come in." I mumbled loudly, knowing who it was. "You need something?"
Turning slightly, I saw Ashlynn in a tank top and pair of dark purple pants. "Not really. Just seeing if you're willing to maybe come out and go for a run with me? Y'know, get some of that stuff called air?"
"I'm willing, but you're gonna have to wait for me to take a shower." I smirked, brushing my hair back. "You're more than welcome to join me."
Shutting the door behind her with her foot, she came further into the room and walked around the bed until she stood in front of me. As Ashlynn got on the bed, she pushed me backward and then straddled my waist. She continued to bend over, until her lips met my cheekbone. Her breath slithered it's way onto and into my ear, soft yet deep. I could only wonder, what exactly was she doing?
That had been answered with a quick flick to the forehead. Without moving her head, she spoke through a clear smile. "I'm not that easy."
"Never said you were. You just seemed ever so interested in what I was doing in here." I pushed her up. "How'd you know that I wasn't fucking a girl in here?"
Ashlynn got off of me, grabbing the cigarettes from the nightstand. "Because I had to get the last one that came here an Uber. Were they hookers, or just sluts?"
"Both, maybe? Dunno." I burped. "Not like it matters to you, yeah?"
"It does when all I hear is "Oh, yeah! Fuck me!" all night." She moaned, patting my head as though I had been a dog. "Hurry up and take a shower. Drinking and staying in this dusty ass place isn't good for you. Especially when it's because of a girl. It gets a bit pathetic after a while."
"Yeah, yeah." I stood up. "Be back in a few."
**
This is what we wanted. Stop lying. We are happy that she dumped us, because now we can go back and fuck whoever we want - whenever we want. We can drink when we want and we can get high when we want. We love being alone, we were born alone and we want to stay alone, naturally. That's why we always push others away from us, because we don't want to give anyone a chance.
"What about Ava, then?"
Ava? She's an exception, an oddity. She had been just as messed up as us. That level of fuckupery mixed together made us sprout wings and learn how to fly for a little bit, but once shit hit the fan, we just came burning down - and instead of us being the one to push her away, she did it to us. That's the only difference. If it had been us dumping, we would feel nothing. So, pretend. Pretend that we dumped her, and then forget about her.
The voice in my head, had it been rationality? Had it been the darkness pulling me back in? That day with Ava had come crashing back like the water of the shower, why had she looked so broken, so distant from me? What had I done, had I destroyed yet another woman that I cared for? Had it been my fault, as usual? Moving back, I let the water fall through my hair and down my back.
Why focus on another girl we've ruined? She's broken, like a fucking beer bottle. Leave her where she belongs, in the trash. The girl told us to run away or commit suicide, right? Pretty fucked up coming from the girl who had claimed to love us so much. Why should we care about a girl who clearly no longer gives half a damn about us? Or is there more to it?
Are we depressed, are we going to stuff that dark feeling back down into us again? Perhaps we have gained feelings for that Ash girl, yeah? She seems like a nice, easily breakable one, too. Haven't we faced the facts yet? We love to see women crumble before us, we love to break them down until they are nothing. Until they are nothing, just like us. Worthless. Just like you, toxic.
Her body, her idealistic nonsense, and even her laugh are going through our mind right now. She's all we can think about, she was all we wanted in life. Someone to be happy with, someone we could let our guard down with. She was both of those things, but we went too far somewhere and broke everything again. That is what she was out for. She wanted us to feel like we were responsible for everything.
Yet, how are we responsible for everything - when we literally knew nothing?
"I still could have done something. I could have said something."
Don't fall into her game. She wants us to fall, she wants us to hide away again. She ran from us, she hid from us, and then she got angry when we finally caught her. This is why we are better alone, in the darkness. We sleep till noon and fuck a bitch whenever we want. Don't you see what happens when you "love" something? Break that habit, and we'll be fine.
I slammed my fist into the wall. "I don't fucking want to. Something was wrong with her, I just have to figure it out what it was."
Stop being so naive. If it's love we want, then find it elsewhere with someone else. Ava no longer wants us. She wants and thinks she is better. Didn't she make that clear to us, Cryus? She's only out to hurt us now. What kind of person tells the person they love to kill themselves? What kind of person says that stuff to their childhood friend?
We're being childish, and like I said, naive. We still want her, but she wants nothing from us at all. We love her, she loved us. It's over, it's completely over. She crushed any hope of our relationship staying the same after what she did and said. Crush her, let her out of our mind, and then we'll find another - if we want.
This is the only way we can live. We'll snap one day if this trend continues. We can't keep falling so far in love, it'll only make it get harder to get up when it inevitably ends - like it just did. Maybe one day we'll find that balance of love and the perfect woman, one who can handle us. US. Both ME and YOU.
"Who said you were involved?"
That so? Maybe I am. Think about everything. That'll be the only way we can move forward without Ava. Learn to live without her. If you want to be happy, then do that. Move on, and be bigger. If you don't, then we're both going to go down and end up dying in a muddy pool of our own filthy, degenerate blood.
"Learn to live without her?" I sneered.
"How can I live happily knowing that I'll just destroy everything I touch? I'm tired of it. The rise and the fall."
ns 15.158.61.7da2
