The next thing I had known, I was leaning against an ambulance while looking at the agent talk to me - though I hadn't heard a word she said. She looked to be saying something important, but I couldn't hear a word. And it wasn't because of the gunshots nearly ruining my eardrum, it had been because I wasn't really listening to her. Honestly, I hadn't even really been listening to myself. Listening to myself was like playing a bad song on repeat.
"Are you listening?" she finally caught my attention.
"...Not really." I brushed my hair back.
Sighing, she looked around and secretively pulled out what appeared to be cigarette. Had she been hiding it from others? "I was saying that your charges should be gone by morning, and that those girls are being checked on for injuries right now. As for you, you just about got yourself killed..."
That much was obvious. I could see the both of them talking just a small distance away - wait, talking? Ashlynn had been standing as Ava sat with who appeared to be a paramedic. The other thing she had mentioned was pretty obvious, too. It had taken a minute to realize it, but after I had drifted into la-la land, she had somehow managed to shoot D-Bag at the cost of my eardrum. Had she wanted a medal of honor from me, or maybe a kiss, a hug?
"You were right about him, it seems. I don't know why I didn't think of it." she continued. "He was never going to kill anyone. He just wanted to die, or run away from going to prison. I'm not sure on that one."
"He wanted to die, because he knew his sins caught up with him. He wanted to atone for them instead of wasting his life away behind bars." Chrissy jumped from the top of the ambulance, giving me a face-full of ass as her skirt flew up. "So, both."
Both Chrissy and the agent traded words before she had walked off, leaving me alone with Chrissy, unfortunately. I hadn't quite been in the mood for her noisy antics, and I had made that clear with my silence as I watched the agent talking to one of the coroners. Even if Crest had deserved death, why had I been involved with it? He was just another person in my life that had disappeared on me, that had vanished on me in the blink of an eye.
Just like the snapping of my fingers, I had lost a whole part of my life with Crest in that room - and with D-Bag, too. Sure, D-Bag was, well, a douchebag. However, he had a good side to him. He always seemed to know the right things to say or do to cheer people up. Honestly, I think his whole bad attitude had been so that people took him seriously, and he had actually been friendlier than he came across. His douchebag persona had been nothing more than a facade, until he had actually needed to be that character.
Crest, in some ways, had been that older brother I never had, and in others he had been a teacher. Things I never would have learned in school were taught by him - not math or science, but life. He had taught me of human interaction and reading body language, of how not to see people, but to be them. Crest had been brilliant in ways that I never would have been, and he should have been so much more than just a criminal. He should have been a scientist or something, and he should have done bigger and better things. What had made him choose that world? What had pushed him so far away from the regular world?
"You know, he took me in when I was 16. I used to hack people for chump change and rumor got out about it, so I got jumped pretty good by a few people." Chrissy pulled down on the sleeve of my shirt, her voice beginning to give. "This stranger just gave me money and an apartment to live in as long as I worked for him. I thought he was going to sell me off or something, but he never did. He only ever made me do what I have always done best. Hack. Why did it have to be him? He was more of a parent to me than my own ever were."
"Probably because he knew me. I make the things I love die." I sneered, her nails began to dig into my arm to the point of being painful. "Everything good is accompanied with something bad, and that bad is never made worth it by the good. Ever."
"You should have stayed, Cyrus. Imagine where you would be now if you had. You'd be stupid smart after working under Crest. After that, it could've been you and me. I could have given you the world. Anything you wanted from me, I could have given to you. Sex, fun, and even just the plain ol' romance. I bet I would have replaced her immediately..." Chrissy's mouth softly pressed against my ear as she spoke, trailing off as she stood. "...Just kidding."
Just as she had been about to crash and burn, she had somehow managed to pull herself out of it by using me as a punching bag for not only Crest, but for her own self - all while teasing me like she usually had in the process. I had never believed the word "relationship" when it had come from her mouth. While she had always been a good friend to everyone, she had commitment issues to a severe extreme that had most likely began with her parents. Her commitment issues were miles worse than those of my own.
Chrissy had always been a good person who listened to anyone speaking. With her nasty streaks aside, Chrissy was an intelligent woman that had an unfair break in life like the rest of us had. She always had that cheery, near chipmunk-y vibe about her, and it had always fit her quite well. She had always been the first to help everyone, and that had included me - in an obvious capacity. Her problem, however, was when people had gotten too close, she ran away from them. I hadn't known her story, and I don't think she wanted anyone to know, but it had clearly played a large role there. Large enough that it probably would leave her alone for the rest of her life.
"What are you going to do now?" I asked, genuinely unsure.
"I think i'm going to stay with Sainz for a while. She's a quirky one, and a little interesting." Chrissy answered. "That is, unless you want me to stick around."
"I'll be fine." I lightly punched her shoulder. "Go do a real job, for once in your life."
Before I had been able to catch what she was doing, my eyes had been covered by her hair and I was caught in between her arms. "I'm going to be dropping by every once in a while, so make sure you're home."
"...Yeah."
**
A few hours had passed since then, and I had made myself scarce. I had ditched Ashlynn back there, as she would have likely gotten a ride back. Obviously, it hadn't been aimed at Ashlynn or anything related to her. I had just simply needed time to think alone, by myself. Had it been better to chew on everything alone? Probably not, but I hadn't been in the mood to be around others. I hadn't been in the mood for speaking at all. Being alone had been the best answer for me and everyone I knew, as I hadn't wanted to give them the wrong idea.
I had found myself at the skatepark with a few beers in hand, sitting and watching a few of the local problem kids fuck around. As I watched, I couldn't have helped but be reminded of those days where those kids had been me - fucking around and partying in the middle of the night like I hadn't had a worry in the world. Around that time, I hadn't had a worry and I had always enjoyed myself with Kylie or whichever friends I had been with.
Then things changed. Kylie died and time passed, and then I'd grown up. Actually, it had been them who had grown up. They stopped fucking around and began to take their life seriously - I had been the one who continued down that path of getting fucked up and having fun. I hadn't grown up at all, I had still been a child in more ways than I was a young adult. It was literally been 'keep expectations low and stay high' for the longest time. How much time had I wasted in my life being a loser?
Of course, self-deprecation hadn't been my reason for being there, but it had just ended up coming to that - that time of my life, my time with Crest, and everything in between had gone hand in hand, I was constantly getting fucked up in one way or another - be it with drugs or my attitude. Crest dying had put a lot of that in perspective, especially all the time I had wasted being angry at something I could never fix.
If I had been able to go back in time, I would have told myself one thing. and it hadn't been to stop Kylie from leaving, or anything like that - as it would have only prolonged an inevitable result. I would have told him to enjoy what he had while he had it. I had come to realize that things, and even life, were finite. Relationships, laughing, crying, all of them had been finite things that could end just as easily as they came and began.
Yeah, time travel hadn't been possible. It had only been a single thought that roamed my mind. An exception, much like myself. Honestly, I probably should have been dead a long time ago - whether that had been suicide, murder, or anything else, I likely should have been long dead.
Maybe I had defied and gained the respect of the Reaper, who had given me the gift of living forever - yet had that gift been a curse for me? Maybe I'm some programmed character in a video game, given actions and a script to follow? Obviously, I hadn't been that lucky. I was exactly what I was, a fucked up punk who had nothing left going for him besides money and a girlfriend for the moment. Even then, how long would she last? How long would all of that money last before it had become boring for me?
"Hey." I had heard the familiar voice, even through her mumbling. "Do you mind if I talk to you?"
"Shoot." I hadn't turned as I took a drink of the beer. "Not like you can take back anything you've said to me already."
A few moments of silence had passed as I heard her climb up onto the table and sit behind me. Within the silence, I felt her palm touch my spine with the delicacy that one touched a newborn with. Had I been that delicate to her, had I been that soft to everyone? Even then, what had given her the right to touch me, or even be near me after what she had said?
Maybe Ashlynn had forgiven her, and I respected that choice, but I hadn't. She had said all of that, no answer included. She had left me hanging out to dry with nothing but the words that had come out of her mouth, nothing but the bullshit she had decided to spew. There had been no warning and no answers, how had she expected me to react - nicely, as though nothing had happened at all?
"At first, I was mad that you pretty much chose taking her somewhere over taking me home. I was just kind of jealous." she explained. "Halfway through that week, I started throwing up at all these weird times...So, I took a bus to a clinic out of town and was told that I was pregnant."
After all of what had happened that night, Ava had decided to drop that on me, too? Even then, what was I supposed to say? Had apologizing been the right thing to do at that moment? I hadn't planned on saying much to her at all, but I hadn't been sure if I was able to get anything out at all. Had she still been pregnant, or had she gotten rid of it? If she had, then why did she tell me any of this?
"Honestly, I was scared. It brought back so many bad things for me. I couldn't stop thinking about any of it. I couldn't put myself through that again, and I definitely wasn't going to put my parents through that again. So, I got an abortion." Ava continued. "You don't have to say anything to me or about that, but you deserve to know what happened."
"Did you mean all that shit?"
"Of course not." Ava answered. "I just went...I don't know, full stupid? I would never meaningfully say any of those things about you because they aren't and weren't true."
I reached back, handing her a beer. As usual, another 'if' had passed me by. What if she had told me from the start? What if she had been honest at the school? If she had told me, would things have been different? What if she hadn't, how long would it have taken for me to find out, assuming I would have at all? What would have happened if she told me?
"Maybe if I said anything at all, I would be the one waiting for you now." I could feel her twirl my hair around her fingers, and lightly pull it down as her voice remained quiet - as to hide how she was actually feeling. "Maybe if I said something to you from the start, nothing would have changed."
"Maybe."
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