It was not far from where I stopped, not because I was exhausted. I can still drive even with this hazy vision, but I can't because I ran out of gas. I looked at my phone again and saw the last message I sent to Mr. Gray. "Carnival," it says.
And there it is. In the middle of the town, there was a carnival. From here, I could see a pile of rides, but droplets of rain started to shower, making it evident that there would be fewer people tonight.
I composed myself and got out of my car. Just as I expected, it was chilly and wet. It was raining but not the rain that would make you look for a shade, but the one you may tolerate when walking to your next class—that kind of rain.
The cheerful sounds of laughter and the dazzling carnival lights should bring joy to any child, yet I can't help but feel my heart sink as I take in the scene before me. I find myself wishing I could trade places with the other children, who have experienced this kind of joy before, and yet I can't help but feel like an outsider in this crowd. Instead of reminding me of happy family memories, the carnival only serves to highlight the lack of them in my life. All I have ever known are campaign rallies and meetings with my dad and other politicians - this is my first time experiencing a carnival or an amusement park or any place where families usually hang out.
As I make my way inside, I only see a few people. There were parents and their kids. I can see them holding balloons, looking for rides and food. There were adults in rubber boots, with jackets and umbrellas. They seemed to be enjoying this kind of night. But for me, it was a sad night.
I braved through the rain and walked towards the carousel, the only ride that caught my eye. The wood carousel was the only old thing in the entire carnival. It has faded red and white paint and a few smiling animal bobbles on each ride, but most of them were, of course, horses.
The rain poured harder and harder as I watched the rotation of the ride, a cold and lonely reminder of the fun I could have had. I got in line, five people including me, and paid for the ride, but I couldn't bring myself to sit on one of the animals. I just stood there, beside a smiling horse, as the carousel started to move. The sound of the rain drowned out the laughter of the people around me and I felt more alone than ever. I was surrounded by happy people, yet I felt so isolated and I could only watch as they enjoyed the ride. The rain kept coming down, but I could not bring myself to move; I was content to stand there in the steady downpour, a sodden reminder of the joy I could have experienced.
But since I am alone, I kinda liked the feeling. I stood there motionlessly looking out at the people, the lights, the vintage rollercoaster, and the merry-go-round, at everything this place offered that was supposed to make you happy. That's the one I was once told. But rain... the rain proved that it was not always the case.
Then I just lost myself. I didn't even need to close my eyes; as I rotated with the carousel, I saw him walking toward me with a yellow umbrella in his right hand. He wore a simple leather jacket on top of his black slacks and light-colored shoes. He walked with a strong and steady pace, with light steps, and his eyes fixed on where I was while he avoided stepping in the slushy puddles.
In every turn of the carousel, he comes closer and closer, but not close enough for me to see him fully. But I am certain that it was him. The carousel turned again, and this time, he was much closer that I started to get to look directly into his eyes as he gazed back, and at that moment, it was like the carousel turned so slow. It carried me to the other side, but I just kept on looking at Gray as he was in the middle of the rain, just waiting for the ride to stop. But it went on a few turns before it halted. I came out of the carousel and looked back. He was still standing in the rain, watching me as I came out of that ride. I stood there for a moment but then sort of walked toward him just to catch his attention. I wanted to see if he would hand me the umbrella.
Before I came out into the heavy rain, he ran toward me and let me share the umbrella with him. He just hugged me. He hugged me tight and hard. He just hugs me so tight I can feel his warmth. We stood there for a moment, not saying a word, the rain pouring, but we just didn't care. "I was dead worried about you," he said meekly.
"I'm sorry," was the only thing I could say because I was drowning in his familiar warmth, like the warmth I've always known but never experienced. And now that I am actually feeling it, I don't want it to end.
"You came... You actually came..." I said in almost a whisper. "This time, you actually came."
"Yes, Flavus, I'm here." I heard him say in between his breaths. "And I'm always here for you. I always have been." He added.
I wanted to ask what happened after I left, but I don't want to bring that up now. I don't want to ruin this moment. And I don't know how long, we hugged there in the middle of the rain, not caring about the people watching us. As long as we're in each other's arms. As long as we're in our safe space. He was my safe space.
#
The rain just kept pouring, relentless, as we made our way to his car in silence. Neither of us said a word, a thick air of sorrow lingering between us. I eventually broke the silence, my voice barely above a whisper, and the words I said brought a fresh wave of sadness upon us both.
"So, what will happen next?" I asked him. But he did not answer my question.
"It's your first time here, right? It's your first time in a carnival," he casually said.
"Yes," I simply replied.
"I'm sorry it has to be like this," he said as he looked at me with sadness in his eyes. "I've always planned to someday bring you here, maybe right after graduation before you left," he added, and it made my heart sink as I was reminded of the possibility that I may have to leave for graduate school abroad. I wished I could stay, but I still hadn't made up my mind yet.
"You don't have to say sorry," I said, trying to push away the tears that were threatening to surface. "We're here now, and I guess that's what matters- you and me, here... Now..." The words felt hollow, and the pressure within me only grew stronger. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, the sadness threatening to drag me over the edge.
"So what will happen next?" I asked again.
There was silence for some moment before he sighed and finally said, "I wanted to leave." I quickly turned my head to him after hearing what he had just said.
"What do you mean?" I asked
"Let's leave out of town, even just for tonight. Let's go somewhere we haven't been before. Maybe we'll find answers to the questions we're too afraid to ask." he said, but his voice was so heavy with sadness that it felt like a goodbye. Like we just need to go. We need to just leave this town. Leave this town and never come back.
We kept looking at each other, our gazes lingering longer than usual. I saw the sadness in his eyes again, but this time, they merely reflected the pale glimmer of the carnival lights. I nodded, and he slowly started the car, driving slower than he ever had before. I savored those moments, knowing that we were savoring our time together before an inevitable goodbye.
For hours we wandered aimlessly, with no destination in sight. I glanced at him as he drove, but his expression was as still and unflinching as ever. I thought maybe this time we didn't need a plan. We just had to let fate take its course, but it felt like we were just spinning our wheels without going anywhere.
"Why?" he asked when he noticed that I am staring at him for so long.
"Oh... Nothing, I'm just wondering."
"About what?"
"What happens after tonight?"
He sighed as he said, "I don't know," but the smile on his face was absent. His gaze was distant as if he was lost in a world that I could never reach. I knew he was lying, yet the words stuck in my throat, unable to be voiced. I could only nod and keep my eyes glued to the road ahead, knowing that I was helpless to change anything.
I noticed the rain had finally stopped, so I rolled down the window and felt the crisp, clean air blowing on my face. A familiar feeling indeed. And the smell of the rain, I'll never get tired of it.
"I've always liked the smell after it rains," he said, and as he looked at me, I saw something in his smile. Something like a ghost of his past. And he must have noticed me staring at him again. So he said, "Look to your right," I did as he said, without questioning or a second thought. I just did it. Whenever Gray would say something, I was so sure. I was so sure that I won't regret it.
There I saw the urban horizon from afar, I don't know where we are now, but the ambiance was different from the city. I looked at my watch, and it was far past midnight. Then our car stopped.
"Let's go," he said. I just followed him, and we were in front of a deserted view of the city. I just stood there and looked at the city across the bridge. I didn't have to look at Gray to know he was still looking at me.
I turned around, and as I expected, he was standing there like all this time, just standing there. He is standing there and looking at me like he always does. Looking at me with his sad eyes, it was almost as if he could see through me. Like the way he used to. And I was left breathless by this.
We sat beside the bridge and silently watched the city from afar. The stars were out tonight and seemed to be more intense than usual, their light shining down on us like a reminder of what could have been. I looked at Gray, and he was still looking at me. And it was at that moment that I realized something. We were still here, together, at this moment when we both knew that all hope of us being together was gone. Tears stung my eyes as I looked away and tried to accept that our time together had come to an end.
"Gray?"
"Yes, Flavus?"
"I'm sorry," I said. He chuckled.
"Why?"
"I don't know... I just don't know. I just know that I am. I don't know why but I'm sorry." I said.
"I'm the one who should be apologizing."
"How can you say that?"
"Because I failed to be brave," he said in his somber voice.
"You're the bravest person I know, Gray. And I know that you tried. But we never tried together."
He looked down and sighed, "But we almost did." The air between us seemed to hang heavy and I felt a lump in my throat. I wanted to say something, anything, that would make it all better, but I couldn't find the words. All I could do was stand there, watching the leaves sway in the wind as his words echoed in my mind.
"I just wish... I wish we'd had a chance to do this together."
"Me too, Flavus," he said. We just kept looking at each other. It was as if we were sharing the same thought, like we were breathing the same air. But neither of us was brave enough to say those words. Those words are so strong yet so simple. It was like we both knew the other was the one who could make the words unsaid.
"Maybe we can. When we were in a better world than this."
He kept looking at me as he said that, and I felt I was being pulled by his eyes to get closer to him. So I took a step closer to him. And he does the same. Then we were just inches from each other. I closed my eyes and felt his fingers touch my chin as if they were guiding me. Then his lips met mine. But it wasn't like what I'd expected. I thought it should make me feel like I was on cloud nine. At least, that was what I imagined this kiss would be like. But it's not. It was like needles were piercing my heart, and it was hot, burning hot, but at the same time, it made my heart freeze. And It's piercing slowly, burning and freezing its way in. It was like frostbite crawling and numbing my lips. It was like I was drowning in the fire, frozen by cold air.
I was trembling, but I was not afraid because I felt his hand travel on my back like he was holding me, and again, I felt safe.
I opened my eyes when we parted our lips and saw tears running down his cheeks, but he quickly wiped them and held me again. He embraced me so tight, and I returned the gesture. I squeezed him as hard as possible because I knew it might be the last hug we would ever make.
My fingers brushed his hair, and his lips moved against my forehead.
"I wish we could find each other again in the next lifetime or the next one after that. And when we did, may we both have the chance to finally tell each other how warm it is to be in each other's arms, how sweet it is to be touched by each other's lips, how serene it can be with each other presence and to be able to tell the world how our love travels more than twice of a lifetime," he said in a whisper. Still, I clearly hear the tremor in his voice, making every word pierce my heart like bullets. It was like that. It was like having a knife that stabbed into every bone in my body. It was as if he was killing me slowly, chipping every piece of me. But it was also those words that were making me alive.
"Is there another way for this to end?" I finally asked.
"We could fight for it. And we could be brave to be together. But you know some battles are not meant for victory because oftentimes, victory isn't a victory at all. What it leaves are only ruins." What he said was so painful. It was like he was conceding to the finality of our story.
And for hours, he just held me in his arms in silence in the middle of the night. But I still think it was so brief when he said, "Shall we go back now?"
"Can we be selfish? Let's stay, at least until sunrise. Let's forget about everything and pretend that it was just us. Just two colors hoping to be a rainbow in the middle of the dark night." I said as I looked into his eyes and realized that what we felt for each other was like iridescent ice crystals forming on a bubble when it's cold; beautiful, yet vulnerable.
-Consummatum Est-191Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHB8fPnw93W
