Lines of Love; Chapter Five End
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Joy/
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I knew the consequences of my actions would lead to this and I was ready all the same. Kissing Astra was like a death sentence for what I was trying to build. If you wanna see everything you struggled to build burn in an instant this was the fastest route. I know what Cassie means to me but if I was to be truthful I also know what Astra means. A lingering hope born from desire and selfish needs but am I wrong for not regretting any of it. I can see the confusion and the pain on her face as I explained everything that happened, I'm a hypocrite but that's okay. Being human often means we are selfish creatures.
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" So where does that leave us...You don't just kiss someone without knowing what that means... Am I not enough?"
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That's the most basic response because we all wanna be enough, especially for the person we love. Mistakes happen but so do judgments that bring forth this kind of question.
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" You are enough but not enough to conquer this desire it seems. What I feel for you is real but I also promised myself to be true to myself... Regardless this won't happen again because we were never meant to be, I guess in a silly way... That was our unofficial goodbye."
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How do you word something so you can avoid further damage to the other person. A fair question but the truth is you can't and I learned this some time ago leading me to accept it as a truth. I am flawed either way.
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" What happens to us... Was there ever an us or am I just holding a spot ill never fill. Help me understand Joy, please..."
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I'm used to failing those around me and close to me because I am so very flawed. What could I say when nothing fixes this decision of mine?
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" Hate me is the easiest answer... Regret knowing me because from the start I never hid my fractured state. I tried to pretend but I was lying to myself in the end, she matters to me. But she will never be close to me... I don't know what I can give you or tell you to make this easier or better..."
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" Then lie to me... Tell me lies so I'll feel something other than this pain. Just lie to me Joy please."
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" Lies are a comfort we demand to avoid the reality before us, Cassie... Don't ask me to lie to you because it's not who I am, not when I love you like this... So don't ask me to lie to you."
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" You said to hate you how's that any different it's worse in fact...Joy how does this end for us because I wanted a life with you but why must I share you..."
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You are not sharing me because this is a one-way road but I understand what you mean. I wish I was a better person for you but this isn't possible right now.
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" I will always be here for you Cassie but this choice is yours.... I'll give you the space needed, find me or let me go and move on..."
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It is wrong of me to kiss her so I place one on her head before leaving the house. I can't make this choice for her I just need to be ready to accept it and perhaps this is for the best. A happy life was never meant for me when I'm stuck in the past that much I know. How unfortunate that I tried to even against the odds life stacked against me. Maybe she will make the right choice for us both while there's still time to walk away.
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I found myself in a hotel for the night falling back into some d habits slowly. The drinking helps and I honestly missed its warm comfort which made me feel safe. I can't help staring at this screen on my laptop because with a single touch I could throw it all away. All my effort and hard work I could just throw it away but nothings ever so simple for me. So I take another drink between the wine and beer hoping to be claimed by sleep before I make any more mistakes. But it's been so long since I indulged like this so it takes its time coursing through me. Once more it becomes familiar with my veins before sending me off to bed, in the end, I feel closer to her than ever.
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When morning hits I awake like normal without a hangover which is a blessing. But now I'm faced with work however is it worth it anymore I can't tell. More old habits creep into my thoughts but I'm not that far gone to fall that far. So I get up to get ready for work hoping today will be better than yesterday. Maybe Cassie will have an answer for me and we can put this behind us finally. It feels wrong to give up so easily but I know I'm no good for her so this would be best wouldn't it. But I lost the right to decide what's right for her so I'll wait while she decides. I send her a text like I normally do with the same words I always have before heading off to work. Because we are not over till she tells me we are.
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" I'll have your lunch ready, enjoy your day. Love you Cas "
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