Lines of Love part four
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/Astra/
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Gina had a bust day today with work and her mom so I figured since I was off I could face my mother. This house has a lot of bad memories for me and a single good memory of Cait. But it's where I went to meet her to find out why she came back to me. My brother and father weren't here either it seemed which means they didn't care enough to see me.
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Entering this home long since abandon I once more found my mother missing. She left a letter on the table, she couldn't wait for me. Is this a way to ask for forgiveness.
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"Astra, I waited but your father needed me at his side. A lot has gone unsaid and I should have corrected them sooner. Your father has been in a coma for some years now and I have been at his side. I have been hoping for him to wake up but the doctors are losing hope.
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We have a lot to talk about so I wished to ask you if you could share some time to see him. It would mean a lot, and we could finally talk. I hope I can correct my mistakes made with you, I'm sorry Astra."
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I gritted my teeth and slammed the letter down my anger was boiling over, that old familiar feeling was creeping back inside of me. I wanted control but I was feeling so much anger, how dare she. My vision blurring no matter how desperately I try to calm myself down, my breathing is increasing. I can feel that old familiar adrenaline coursing through me again, I wanted to last out as I did before. Not to feel alive but to vent my anger on something, that's when I noticed it. I had driven my knuckles into the table hard enough to tear the skin just a bit, I am losing myself again. That's when my phone rang out catching my attention.
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Astra; " Hello..."
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Tanya; " Astra... I probably shouldn't be calling but, it's Abigail. Can you come over please?"
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I agreed but at the mention of Abigail's name, I became calm as if nothing happened. I was no longer angry because my mind was filled with worry, in some ways I left my anger next to that crumble letter. That part of me can't come back I won't become that person again, it became a charm to repeat that as I headed over there. I needed to believe I wasn't that person.
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When I arrived Tanya told me what happened and where Abigail was. Unlike the other kids Abigail was attached to us even though we haven't taken that step yet, we were often called in when she got like this.
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Astra; " Hey Kiddo... Wanna tell me what happened today at school."
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Abigail; " They were being mean to my friend, I didn't do anything wrong, did I?.. I just wanted to help her"
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Astra; " No you didn't, but there's always a better solution than violence. Violence is not the way to approach our problems. But that doesn't mean you should let your friend or you be pushed around either. Try to find a balance and try to find a different part than me."
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I didn't know how to be a mom nor did I know how to talk to a child. I was giving her advice I wanted to hear myself from anyone but I hope she understands someday. She hugged me tightly repeating how sorry she was, asking if I was mad at her. It breaks my heart how hard she tries but she was unwanted by the people who gave her life. Why are people so selfish and cruel, I couldn't understand it. I sent her back to the other kids to play as I went to speak with Tanya, I don't know if this was a mistake but.
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Astra; " Tanya could I have the paperwork for Abigail. I wanna Look at over with Gina tonight."
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Tanya; " That be fine... Astra, you always try too hard, it's okay to step back sometimes."
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I feel like I heard that before but I just smiled at her and took the papers. So much was going through my head with my own mother I was hesitant to be a mother. What ifs are like a lethal poison to me and I feel it coursing inside of me. But I also know that part of me wants to do this for both right and wrong reasons. I wanna do this to spite my mother like I had something to prove. But isn't that how I ended up here always needing to prove something to everyone around me, and myself.
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Gina was who always grounded me even before we dated she still had that effect on me. As my thoughts race, I feel myself withdrawing again from the world around me. It's like I'm slipping back into the old me and I'm getting so scared of that happening. I just wanna feel like I'm doing the right thing for once without having to think About the bad of every situation. I was so absorbed in my thoughts I didn't hear nor notice Gina trying to get my attention, till she touched my face pulling me back.
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Gina; " Hey... Welcome back, where did you go?"
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Astra; " Sorry my heads been filling up... "
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Gina; " You don't get to leave me behind if you go somewhere, Astra... So is it meeting your mom?"
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I told her about the letter she left and the way I felt, I had to tell her about the other thing too. She smiled assuring me I wasn't going back to my old ways, that she would pull me back always. Then I told her about Abigail's papers and how I wanted to do this, but I told her the bad too. She didn't know how to respond but she tried her best to lay my fears to rest. I know I'm not my mother but it's hard to ignore as a possibility regardless. We looked over the papers and discussed everything but one part stuck out to me. I had a past incident of violence and it will show I was inside That place, I should have expected this but Gina wasn't worried.
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For dinner, we decided to go out together but Gina just wanted me to breathe and relax, forget about my worries. We went to a little dinner not too far from our home that was opened late, Gina loved the food they served. But mostly she wanted to get the couples special like usual, it's kind of our main dish here.
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