但現實是這樣又如何?981Please respect copyright.PENANAtS36Xvzais
981Please respect copyright.PENANAZISnhLwygB
沒法理解,沒法接受。981Please respect copyright.PENANAF2ORocWVvH
981Please respect copyright.PENANAw0imL8KMmQ
童桐變了,已經不再是我小時候認識的那個她。981Please respect copyright.PENANAJ0lagk8Clj
981Please respect copyright.PENANAbdBXGnQwIf
但現實對我來說,過於…難以理解。981Please respect copyright.PENANAmLOJJXcRg0
981Please respect copyright.PENANAfzcKfvzzRp
她甚至連一個苦衷也不編,一個謊也不撒。981Please respect copyright.PENANAu3wH4Ts5M0
981Please respect copyright.PENANAW70e8DkUNh
要該高興嗎,還是要哭?我曾經視她如宗教一樣的存在,現在卻。981Please respect copyright.PENANAK7LsXbyWrX
981Please respect copyright.PENANAhVKow3TFjK
現在卻。981Please respect copyright.PENANA9g06gVS4OU
981Please respect copyright.PENANAz5iTRqr1EY
感覺最近情緒上的衝擊,我已沒法作出正確的反應,腦海被攪成一團糊糨。我掩著臉搖著頭,恍如因射箭而滿是厚繭的雙手,能為我提供一個避風港。981Please respect copyright.PENANAWHhMG8Wrxz
981Please respect copyright.PENANALuy57t9jiq
因為我的避風巷已經毀了。981Please respect copyright.PENANATXEgJHIUfg
981Please respect copyright.PENANA1sSHNg4KlY
因為我的童年…981Please respect copyright.PENANA6JMBd9DYD2
981Please respect copyright.PENANAwqyNROvkWr
…真真正正的,結束了。981Please respect copyright.PENANAyTgew4GXmL
981Please respect copyright.PENANAYU4pnZqEPT
「呀遊,我地都有唔想俾任何人見到既一面…我相信你都有。」童桐說,「但即使係咁…我都會接受,呀遊,因為由所有面向組成既…先係完整既你。」981Please respect copyright.PENANA86sI2gSapT
981Please respect copyright.PENANAv7Kc2b5CFA
甚麼是好人,甚麼是壞人?981Please respect copyright.PENANAlz18mTb1oK
981Please respect copyright.PENANALJwqKtVyHH
壞人在自己的故事中,也是一個英雄。981Please respect copyright.PENANAf7Z7XGLNJx
981Please respect copyright.PENANADBEnrftwt0
捐錢幫助窮人的慈善家,也有人視之為資本主義中的剝削者。981Please respect copyright.PENANAqUWWHljMuY
981Please respect copyright.PENANAH4wPXBTnIT
不用說到這樣宏大,我媽也不是沒被人說過HR死全家,我爸把釣到的魚放上網和人分享也被動保主義者說血腥屠夫。981Please respect copyright.PENANA347uEruDJW
981Please respect copyright.PENANA1zZNBGcUTE
但對我來說,二人都是父母,是家人。981Please respect copyright.PENANAbciNosK27N
981Please respect copyright.PENANAsS7ElFlVa1
不同人對於不同人來說,可以同時是好人,同時亦是壞人。981Please respect copyright.PENANA0Pwe30QhFG
981Please respect copyright.PENANAo2WEwFnkYi
…但當距離親近如我和童桐這樣,所有面向便互相嵌鑲成一個完整的存在,並非一個單獨面向。981Please respect copyright.PENANAT0aVszDBAt
981Please respect copyright.PENANAJAcaX0KxBp
愛慕她的好。981Please respect copyright.PENANA0lzd3ysdgg
981Please respect copyright.PENANAWmbil9odCy
便要接受她的壞。981Please respect copyright.PENANA1wRgmxmqKU
981Please respect copyright.PENANAHytIIUrHhZ
我竟然天真的曾經以為童桐只有好的那一面,如甚麼完美的聖女。981Please respect copyright.PENANApcdMQOMDxR
981Please respect copyright.PENANArgAygnhUJ6
現在殘酷而赤裸裸的事實放在眼前,至於接受與否便是我們的課題了。981Please respect copyright.PENANAS1ewQJDOj4
981Please respect copyright.PENANAalmcPBXjJJ
即使我和童桐身上都穿著衣服,但卻比起過往十多年來任何時候還要更加赤裸,更加坦誠相見。981Please respect copyright.PENANAB1Jfig9ovL
981Please respect copyright.PENANAjVJcqIwaGR
「你肯定?」我冷冷地說。981Please respect copyright.PENANAYySFcVvtXj
981Please respect copyright.PENANAqZUDugj6gq
她還不知道我幹了甚麼。981Please respect copyright.PENANA39scSA6ftf
981Please respect copyright.PENANAnu6oBA7E6T
她還不知道我曾經打算幹甚麼。981Please respect copyright.PENANA7qybQcDTWc
981Please respect copyright.PENANAaDtQPnQpmo
「…嗯。」她說,「我,我又有咩資格話你?無論你做過咩都好…」981Please respect copyright.PENANA3SG9Wb1WCn
981Please respect copyright.PENANAqVM3Y3LVna
童桐雙眼發光,好像在淹水中捉到了救生圈一樣。981Please respect copyright.PENANAoPbeEk3dAK
981Please respect copyright.PENANAzpqrUHXBIT
「所以你覺得如果我都有一個黑暗面,一個黑化版既呀遊,我就同你一樣自私,同你一樣有唔見得光既一面,所以我地就平起平座,我就應該接受你,然後可以如以前一樣?」981Please respect copyright.PENANAp9Cklu6945
981Please respect copyright.PENANA38oq13H6Ix
「…唔係咁…」卻被我看穿了。981Please respect copyright.PENANAn6g8qgFRkf
981Please respect copyright.PENANAyakSBfvhfe
「定係我咁講正合你意,咁樣你內心會舒服D,因為自甘墜落既人唔止你一個?」981Please respect copyright.PENANA5avjepZnSS
981Please respect copyright.PENANAOQAZy14QcL
「唔係咁,唔係咁唔係咁,呀遊,唔好咁講,求下你…」童桐哭著說。981Please respect copyright.PENANAVzCkVbywSE
981Please respect copyright.PENANA6rgtRFmIbr
「…童桐,我地永遠都唔可能好似以前一樣。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAIZSNvbtRrU
981Please respect copyright.PENANA4mpzWXxIxP
然後,我推開了她。981Please respect copyright.PENANAu5imcbDiOr
981Please respect copyright.PENANAiumRXlWVuA
史無前例地,我推開了正準近我,打算向我撒嬌的童桐。981Please respect copyright.PENANAdEEfaw34Tw
981Please respect copyright.PENANASDr5dZBOgP
「……」她露出寂寞的眼神。981Please respect copyright.PENANAwdFGB5UEKE
981Please respect copyright.PENANAaWHPoKNiU4
「你講得岩,我都有另一面,我都有做過D唔想俾你知既事。」我低頭說,「但…我好亂,我唔知,我唔知點樣面對你,同你一樣。」981Please respect copyright.PENANA1cEFXUNCgy
981Please respect copyright.PENANAJ6tTvaYMkf
「邊個會無?我鐘意你,即使你有咩秘密都好我都一定會…」童桐說。981Please respect copyright.PENANAmabtoxwZKu
981Please respect copyright.PENANAeE5XmQsy5U
「我係你就唔會咁講。」我苦笑。981Please respect copyright.PENANA4gweEoCaPG
981Please respect copyright.PENANAKS6yWM7tmo
「係…?」981Please respect copyright.PENANA9hHBq73efW
981Please respect copyright.PENANAdw1bWCmxym
「我個時都咁講過,我話無論你做過咩,有咩秘密我都會接受到…然後我個心就碎左。」我輕撫自己的胸口。981Please respect copyright.PENANA2lptnvqC44
981Please respect copyright.PENANAtjvYd5VFEG
愈是鐘愛於幻象,現實就更加殘酷。981Please respect copyright.PENANAfiYcZ8c4x4
981Please respect copyright.PENANAUqjzhwzc0p
夢中愈是甘甜,現實便愈見苦澀。981Please respect copyright.PENANAcfmZdRxgt5
981Please respect copyright.PENANAZ1ql54mgyB
「我唔信,呀遊你唔同我,你係個好人…」981Please respect copyright.PENANAgxItcwdThb
981Please respect copyright.PENANAJcDvW8Z9rG
「我先唔係。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAYOzmzs0bWS
981Please respect copyright.PENANAxKJK3yptgs
我早就不是甚麼好人。981Please respect copyright.PENANAdFrMffYkbt
981Please respect copyright.PENANA5ycFHAJ2CV
從明明連人家名字還沒記住便去追求人家,胡亂表白開始,到之後的事。981Please respect copyright.PENANA8Qw4nf8w0Y
981Please respect copyright.PENANAcP7S41VQyL
我才不是「除了射箭甚麼也不會」的人。981Please respect copyright.PENANAxtvWJAhCI0
981Please respect copyright.PENANA8IoR0cJVFz
「咁你講出黎。」她說,「我寧願你親口講,都唔想某日自己發現。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAgLxN1OMb3V
981Please respect copyright.PENANA6cEDIPExvt
「……」981Please respect copyright.PENANAxgRSSqop5r
981Please respect copyright.PENANAZvagIazSpv
是我害得植嵐晨自殺。981Please respect copyright.PENANA6SOl7d0xmu
981Please respect copyright.PENANAR1UYv0nnbM
那天我差點按下了清理瀏覽記錄而間接害死他。981Please respect copyright.PENANAnMAVEZE0M7
981Please respect copyright.PENANAu3qNEEyN28
為了勝利我打算吃禁藥。981Please respect copyright.PENANAzKYF0r5DFY
981Please respect copyright.PENANALlqhQ2Ol4C
我和妍妍有了肉體關係,但沒打算負責任。981Please respect copyright.PENANAuIxwPlaZF2
981Please respect copyright.PENANAywpMMp9dV7
當天第一次妍妍出現在水上樂園是,其實是PTGF。981Please respect copyright.PENANAulc5RZF0XR
981Please respect copyright.PENANA9UsID3nKTU
中學時那連串的表白行為,其中一些我可是明知有男朋友也照去馬。981Please respect copyright.PENANAk5BsY3VeCE
981Please respect copyright.PENANAQ7GZHdy3w8
……那年我打算過自殺,甚至已經完成了氦氣袋的試作型。981Please respect copyright.PENANAfmiQirnbfP
981Please respect copyright.PENANADzJpRtYB0K
「呀遊,我地大家今晚都互相坦白喇…然後睇下點樣互相接受到對方,好唔好?我唔想無左你呢個青梅竹馬,無論做唔做到情侶都好。」童桐說。981Please respect copyright.PENANAa7cMGz1HEL
981Please respect copyright.PENANAeSHCjKmEFT
「我諗…今晚我地都攰。」我說,「我求其煮個公仔麵就返過去。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAO9YerSksEa
981Please respect copyright.PENANADU7BYauUye
「呀遊…」981Please respect copyright.PENANATX4McyaQ8J
981Please respect copyright.PENANApikDeZ9rHA
「我會講。」我說,「只係…唔係今晚,我要,童桐,對唔住,我…做唔到…我好攰,我好撚亂呀,你明唔明呀。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAE0PMVsbole
981Please respect copyright.PENANAVo2HiInis2
我試圖以過去的眼光看待她。981Please respect copyright.PENANAkwh7XF8ISW
981Please respect copyright.PENANATj58wBujIJ
做不到。981Please respect copyright.PENANAvThwcdLtPx
981Please respect copyright.PENANA6daxfi4req
我試圖向她坦白自己做過的一切。981Please respect copyright.PENANAi0lVDawo0r
981Please respect copyright.PENANA2TNLEaJW8I
做不到。981Please respect copyright.PENANA7wjZwbCL5o
981Please respect copyright.PENANA5k24wMvuMa
既然我知道了她的真面目後這樣激動,這樣看待她,反過來…其實也一樣吧。981Please respect copyright.PENANAVlTVEtWyHE
981Please respect copyright.PENANASNtAJOLJA3
只是現在是我在暗,她在明,她才這樣向我告解一樣。981Please respect copyright.PENANAmCMaXFufYU
981Please respect copyright.PENANAYYx6hOHliu
下午離開Beta那兒之前,他幫我設定了一個倒數計時,現在距離核彈爆炸只剩下167小時。981Please respect copyright.PENANAHfnTd08vyi
981Please respect copyright.PENANApVBxdGCeWV
我沒有高童桐一等,更別說是道德高地。981Please respect copyright.PENANAndvo8xnrtd
981Please respect copyright.PENANA1Piyuf0HhL
所以我也沒法狠狠罵她一頓,然後說要帶她回正途,連這樣子我也做不到,這才是現在一切膠著,一切如陷五里霧中的原因。981Please respect copyright.PENANA20UpKv1bPy
981Please respect copyright.PENANALhDkpdZFET
既,沒法坦白。981Please respect copyright.PENANAFV5TCDrGAx
981Please respect copyright.PENANAemimxD3iFr
又,沒法斥責。981Please respect copyright.PENANAGyFq3tqJVR
981Please respect copyright.PENANAwE8AcTzGAL
既,沒法接受。981Please respect copyright.PENANAULd0cevvBk
981Please respect copyright.PENANAnIrY5kh4gy
也,沒法忘記。981Please respect copyright.PENANAjo2snHTUCW
981Please respect copyright.PENANAhFTRmDAAW4
而且…也沒法理解。981Please respect copyright.PENANAc0ujDMCYNd
981Please respect copyright.PENANAsL44istlay
明明妍妍叫我不用在意她,去處理和童桐之間的事,結果卻變成了這樣子。981Please respect copyright.PENANAWs8amuBHnA
981Please respect copyright.PENANAEu7DlOxB45
反倒有點對不起她了呢,我這爛人。981Please respect copyright.PENANAfdS0ayRzHh
981Please respect copyright.PENANAPkgdMp9jX4
我轉身胡亂地擦去眼淚,以免自己在童桐面前出醜。但這時背上傳來陣陣的溫暖,陣陣的柔軟,童桐從後抱住我,把頭靠到我背脊上,用耳朵貼住我的肌肉聆聽著我的心跳。981Please respect copyright.PENANAICVQ2L2G0L
981Please respect copyright.PENANAkrujqvum2h
「只要你係我身邊,你要嬲我幾耐都無所謂。」981Please respect copyright.PENANALKDjIbB1jV
981Please respect copyright.PENANAfTzFzXXqcp
「……」981Please respect copyright.PENANA9gdog3pm0W
981Please respect copyright.PENANAJpqU1k2vK1
「因為我地都應承過大家,嬲幾耐都好,最後都會搵返對方,唔準絕交,唔準永遠唔彩對方落去架嘛。」981Please respect copyright.PENANA8kMKfEQgym
981Please respect copyright.PENANA9DBNQXn2tX
她能聽到我的脈動,反之亦然。981Please respect copyright.PENANAkXVqGGeg9j
981Please respect copyright.PENANA8pRSO4IOe7
我雖然沒法直接聽到,但我感受著童桐的每一下呼吸,每一下心跳,胸膛的每一起伏。981Please respect copyright.PENANAL2VV1AMBul
981Please respect copyright.PENANAQfuzfNTHc7
「只要你無事就好,我個晚真係好驚。」童桐說。981Please respect copyright.PENANAcojOvekhFO
981Please respect copyright.PENANAiKvLL5c4Zx
「嗯,我都睇到係你救左我。」981Please respect copyright.PENANANdZLYcp1GJ
981Please respect copyright.PENANAFKfLoKHX4H
「但即係係咁…即使你會討厭我,即使你個下已經知道左我係Dora,我唔知點面對你…我都唔想你有事。」981Please respect copyright.PENANA5UtlfjyF9z
981Please respect copyright.PENANAAfQy0yBHF0
曾經她只求唯有我別討厭她。981Please respect copyright.PENANAAhYAOJ2rI7
981Please respect copyright.PENANAxm6dmLXV3t
曾經她即使全世界討厭她也不怕,因為有我在她身邊。981Please respect copyright.PENANABuHhZGC7Sn
981Please respect copyright.PENANAt4PQou0vdL
…現在即使連我也討厭她,她也只想我安全健康。981Please respect copyright.PENANAQClnKkEZgH
981Please respect copyright.PENANA9vI6oMjfsI
你叫我怎樣對你生氣,童桐。981Please respect copyright.PENANAF7Kv1EUpJe
981Please respect copyright.PENANAeCaURc8yUq
「我…好多謝你,童桐。」我說,的確是她救了我。981Please respect copyright.PENANANrRXLvpAx3
981Please respect copyright.PENANAm13ZbKN38N
「…到你覺得可以講既時候,就同我講。」童桐說,「我地只要互相坦白,然後互相再接受,互相理解對方,一定可以捱過呢一關。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAhfG2PpJrmi
981Please respect copyright.PENANAqiYVckEoxT
咦?981Please respect copyright.PENANARpYSGEjnEN
981Please respect copyright.PENANATtrxJNwwR9
腦中如一道清泉流過…我覺得這就是我和童桐最大的差異之處。981Please respect copyright.PENANA8LHYPeZST0
981Please respect copyright.PENANAbjP0yC6qeb
「接受與否」,是我的想法。981Please respect copyright.PENANAEExjnTYykF
981Please respect copyright.PENANAE8AGkKhcUH
「如何接受」,是童桐的想法。981Please respect copyright.PENANA0nHGMZUHYp
981Please respect copyright.PENANAVXY8xSFIVy
那天晚上我和童桐沒有得出任何答案,甚至說沒有任何進展。981Please respect copyright.PENANAapJxUNPId4
981Please respect copyright.PENANALiKOpRcBzT
她甚至沒有提出我希望中的苦衷,使我可以諒解的苦衷,只能得出「性格使然」的絕望答案。981Please respect copyright.PENANALdOiGS68Nl
981Please respect copyright.PENANAleR98CjBum
老實說,場面比我想像中平靜,至少我們沒有向對方咆哮或痛哭。981Please respect copyright.PENANAVET6bVMiuf
981Please respect copyright.PENANAMiN6S5rQ9p
但是…無力感漸漸佔據了空氣,佔據了心底,連情緒該發洩向何處也沒有著力點。981Please respect copyright.PENANAYFwD3e96Jg
981Please respect copyright.PENANAGB0g4Xk7Dv
我寧願和她痛痛快快吵一架,也不想這樣子…981Please respect copyright.PENANAtK3lhoivgb
981Please respect copyright.PENANAnJdDLQZ5YI
…我真的不想。981Please respect copyright.PENANA9Dd9YAkWu8
981Please respect copyright.PENANALpEtjxoyrS
至於和她坦白的話,我覺得不是時候,所以也沒有說出口。我需要時間去沉澱,去思考,去好好盤算接下來的做法。981Please respect copyright.PENANAsOECZvAlzn
981Please respect copyright.PENANA74AT5JYIps
活了在幻象中廿多年的我,被狠狠地摔到現實中。981Please respect copyright.PENANA8nMj3mj9qx
981Please respect copyright.PENANAMnXpGQaxff
現在我要學習在現實中活下去。981Please respect copyright.PENANAmoD60fwcVg
981Please respect copyright.PENANAT0roa2RL6W
第二天早上,距離核彈發射還有153小時。981Please respect copyright.PENANA3hMGLq75TI
981Please respect copyright.PENANAw3WArLJRtR
童桐的窗簾現在到了早上醒來…也再沒有打開了。981Please respect copyright.PENANAcCaXGwpodP
981Please respect copyright.PENANAlPjGXTi8Wq
那兒,只有一片茫然和我心中懷念。