Sawyer
The problem with going to bed--was I wouldn't be sleeping alone. Since Kaylee would be staying here tonight, I couldn't exactly sleep in the guest bedroom. Boyfriends that moved in with their girlfriends normally slept in the same room--unless they were in the dog house. Seeing as Toni and I weren't fighting, I found myself slipping into her bedroom after getting dressed into one of the only pajama bottoms I owned. I rarely used them, unless I was staying with my parents or relatives. Grateful that she was still in the shower, I took a moment to look around the room again. It was just my luck that there weren't any chairs or couches, though I doubted she'd let me sleep on them if there were. Kaylee struck me as the kind of person who wouldn't be ashamed of poking her head in if she wanted something.
I sat on the edge of the bed, defeated. I just had to suck it up and share the bed with her, no matter how awkward it would be.
"Oh.. hi." Toni said from the ensuite bathroom. Her cheeks turned a bashful pink.
"Hey."
"So um.. I guess we're doing this, hu?" She asked nervously.
What the fuck did she mean by 'doing this?' Did she think we were going to do more than sleep? I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I needed clarification, stat. "Doing what?"
She gestured to the bed. "Sharing the, um, bed. I, uh, I guess I should tell you that I kick sometimes in my sleep."
I shrugged, fighting a shiver as I pulled the pink covers back. "Won't be a problem."
"Oh.. good," she smiled slightly, it looked forced. "So, thank you for lending me your shirt earlier."
"It was nothing."
She shook her head quickly in denial. "That wasn't nothing, it was.. sweet of you."
My nose wrinkled. Me, sweet? What the fuck was she accusing me of? "Look, can we not talk about what happened tonight?"
I inwardly flinched at how doosh--ish that sounded. She'd just endured a night with my friends. With my ex. The least I could do was listen to her complain about how fucking horrible it was, if that was what she wanted. I really didn't want to think about tonight though, because when I let my mind wander, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Kaylee. About her notebook, the lace and leather I'd found. Her lips on my neck, hands on my shoulders.
Fuck.
I needed to get things back under control.
"Is everything okay?" She asked softly.
"Fine."
She flinched back like I'd back handed her. "You don't sound fine. We should, you know, talk about whatever's bothering you, like a normal couple would."
Rolling over onto my side to give her my back, I sighed and closed my eyes. "Maybe tomorrow Toni."
She didn't come to bed, after a while, I'd assumed she went to get a snack from the kitchen. It wasn't until I heard hushed voices that I started to wonder if I'd pushed her too far. What I'd said was a real dick move. I tried not to care, tried to ignore the voices and fall asleep. But I couldn't. Instead, I crept up to the cracked door and listened closely.
"He won't talk to me." I could hear Toni say quietly.
"Guys don't like to talk about their feelings, Toni." Kaylee said. There was a touch of sarcasm in her voice. She let out a quiet laugh. "Don't let it bother you, I'm sure it's nothing."
"I know.. but.. you opened up to me, and you have walls built higher than the ones in China. Why can't he do the same?" She asked softly. There might have been a bit of irritation in there, but I couldn't tell. I wasn't close enough to make everything out clearly.
"You're forgetting how long it took me to talk about my feelings." Kaylee said it distastefully. "Shit like that takes time."
"Okay."
"The best thing you can do is to just be there for him." Kaylee said. She sounded.. Sympathetic. "Trust me, that's enough. He's lonely. Lonelier than he wants to let on. Maybe even lonelier than he realizes."
I leaned back against the wall, staring at the floor. Something inside me stirred. The void was filled, just for a second. I didn't need to drown myself in a bottle of whiskey or distract myself with girls. Why did it take me so long to realize that deep down, I wanted to be understood? She was right, I fucking hated talking about feelings and all that shit. I hated having to tell someone when something was wrong, especially when I couldn't precisely explain what it was. To be understood.. that was something else. That was something I hadn't known I'd wanted.
I was lonely, and I wanted someone to understand, without having to tell them.
Rather than listen to the rest of their conversation, I walked back to the bed, laid down and stared up at the ceiling. It seemed like hours before I finally fell asleep. At no point in the night did I wake up to find Toni sneaking back into the room or pulling back the covers to crawl into bed. When morning came, there was no sign she'd slept here at all. I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair, discomfort twisting my insides. I didn't want to fuck this up. Maybe I should do something nice to make up for my behavior last night.
Pondering over some ideas, I left the bedroom to find some breakfast in the kitchen. Kaylee was sitting at one of the bar stools, a bowl of granola cereal on her left and her phone on her right. She glanced up briefly as I walked towards the fridge.
"Morning." I said. My thoughts went back to what she said to Toni last night.
"If I cut the gas line to a car, will it explode?" She asked curiously.
I spun around to look at her, forgetting about the open fridge door. She looked entirely serious. There was a little crease between her brows as she stared intently at whatever was on her phone. "I don't know.. I guess."
"Hmm."
"Why do you ask?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to my own question.
She waved her hand, shutting off her phone. "Not important."
I doubted that, but I let it go all the same. I returned to the fridge and thoughts on how to apologize to Toni. I cringed when I thought of my dad, and what he always did when mom was mad at him. He bought her flowers. I turned back around slowly, swallowing down my fear of what she would say when I brought the idea up. "I want to ask you something, but in all honesty, I'm a bit worried about how you'll respond."
She stilled, a spoonful of cereal halfway to her mouth. She lowered the spoon back to the bowl, regarding carefully. "You may proceed."
"I was kind of an ass to Toni last night.." I paused, trying to gauge her reaction. Nothing. Totally blank. "And I was wondering what her favorite flowers were? Because she likes that clichè crap, right?"
She spun her spoon around in the bowl, her brown eyes never leaving mine. "Pink roses."
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