First off, to anyone who celebrates it, happy Remembrance Day!
For those of you who don't know it, today is the day that European countries signed an armistice meaning the end of World War I. Ever since then, it is a day that serves to remember all the soldiers lost in both World Wars. Since my school is British, we celebrate it a lot because it's a tradition everywhere in Britain.
The common symbol is a red poppy because according to soldiers who lived in the trenches all the way back in World War I, the poppy was the only flower that grew on the fields where the battles happened. Talk about resilient!
Anyway, onto personal matters. Get ready for a session of Alex yapping!
So obviously I had school, and it was pretty boring because, well, it's school. Come on. No form of school is fun, and if it is, you're living on another planet.
After school, I had a rehearsal for Hansel and Gretel, and then had to rush to the bus to make it back home in time for my piano lesson. Spoilers: I barely had enough time to put my bag down before my piano teacher came in.
I'm so tired it's not even funny. Every day I have something.
Tomorrow I have band practice and extra English. On Wednesday it's yet again another Footloose rehearsal. On Thursday I have my usual drama class. Friday I have band practice again. Don't even get me started on my weekend, because since it's time for the three Footloose performances, I will not have a minute to myself except when I'm sleeping.
I love being a committed kid.
Honestly, it's hard to believe that a year ago, I barely had anything after school. Sure, I still had kung fu and occasional basketball, but that's it. Thanks to my toxic friends, I hated myself so much that I thought I sucked at everything. All I did was go on Quotev.
Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends both on Quotev and Penana, but be for real. I'm an ambivert. I need some sort of social life, no matter how small.
Now, I literally have after-school things every day. Not to mention homework/schoolwork and also being on here every day, posting my daily motivational message as to why you should get up and do something of your day.
When I started this, it was in response to Liam Payne's death. I was distraught, and I needed people to understand me. To understand my pain.
Three or four weeks have passed, and my pain has not lessened. I realise that grief is like a huge ball of emotions that's in a glass. At first, the ball takes up all the space in the glass, making it really hard to feel anything else. Slowly, the glass gets bigger, so the ball has more space. It's not that the ball/grief gets smaller, because it doesn't, but your capacity to accommodate that grief gets larger and larger until it becomes a part of you.
Sure, that grief can get triggered less or more easily, but it's still there.
Anyway, my point is that this diary has become something else. It's almost like I hang onto it for dear life. It's yet another of those daily rituals that I love having. Pilates, piano, going to school (obviously), my personal diary and this.
This diary is to remind you that you are not alone. No matter how alone you feel, all you need to do is reach out. To someone you trust or even to someone you don't know. No emotions deserve to be bottled up.
So if you hate yourself, remember. Remember one good thing you did, and why it was good and why you like yourself for it. It'll help.
Then ask one of your friends to name one quality about you. That never fails to cheer me up. If you're one of those people who say they don't have a friend, you're wrong. There's always someone who's going to be there for you.
Finally, gaslight yourself. Tell yourself you're great even if your mind is screaming at you that you're not, because you are. Even if you have done the most horrible thing, there is always going to be one part of you that is good. Always.
Signing out,
Alex <3
ns 15.158.61.51da2
