I am still annoyed about the results of the U.S. presidential election, but I shall not bother you with it any longer.
Moving on to my personal life. I have the impression that though I am really happy and feel fulfilled, there is a gap. I have drama/theatre rehearsal nearly every day. I have pretty awesome friends including one very close best friend who is like my twin. I have good parents who support me. I have a great band and great fellow cast.
So why do I feel like I'm missing something?
Maybe it's a guy. Maybe it's that same oddly empty feeling that I've been getting since Liam died. Since everything changed.
In a way, Liam's death really was a turning point for me, both a wake up call and also marked a drastic change in my personal life. Before, I was still involved in a form of toxic friendship, had deleted my Quotev account and found no motivation to do anything. I had forgotten the lessons God had given me, and He sought to remind me of them through this death.
When Liam died, I cried. I didn't know what else to do. Resurrect him? Can't do that. Comfort his family? They don't even know me. Talk about it? I would look crazy to mourn a guy I didn't know more than I mourned my own grandmother (in my defence, she had emotionally abused my mum in my mum's youth, and I love my mum).
So I changed. I started taking working out seriously (I'm seriously on a roll!). I invested one hundred percent of myself into drama, learning all my missed choreographies, all my forgotten lyrics, all my unlearned lines. I started taking my friendships more seriously. Why?
It was a wake up call.
I think Liam Payne's death was to me a form of a wake up call. Usually I don't very much care when celebrities die. Plenty of them have in my lifetime, but it's never been very close to my interests, so I somehow thought that I would be spared at least a few more years before grief for a celebrity would hit me.
And then Liam died.
I suddenly realised that I wasn't doing enough. I was taking life very much for granted, yes, but I wasn't actually doing anything. I realised how mental health really does matter. How it affects a person's life. My mum has suffered from depression, my dad from bullying and discrimination because he had eczema and I have been through various stages of bullying. My close family has been affected by various things that could have and did affect our mental health, but in France it's still not socially acceptable to be publicly talking about those kind of problems, so I grew up being told not to talk about it. I was taught to hide it.
When Liam died, I'm sad to say that it's the first time I truly took mental health seriously. I go to a private school, so they yap about it all the time, but just because they keep on going on and on about it doesn't mean that I listen. Doesn't mean that I care.
Like many things, you only care about it when it strikes close to home.
I'm happy to say that from now on, I will not take life for granted. Proof: I came back onto Quotev and writing websites in general. I started taking friendships more seriously. I started playing the piano every day again. I started putting even more effort into theatre. I did my homework (though I've always done that). I stuck to my English tuition schedule.
I proved to myself that I could be serious about multiple things.
Okay, so now I have so many things going on that I don't have very much time for myself. So it's hard and I sometimes complain and most of the time it feels like I'm going to collapse from the lack of time and the work and the effort and the pressure.
But I'm not taking life for granted, am I?
I'm making the most of it. I want to make the most of it. I want to have a nice real life and a nice online life because nowadays it's possible to do that. I won't retreat into myself when there's so many amazing people across the globe that share my views and share my interests. It would be stupid to do that.
So Liam, your death was a lot of things to many people. To me, it was a wake up call. To others, it might have been something else, perhaps something either more positive or more negative. I don't know.
All I know is that you have made an enormous impact on the world.
On my friends.
On my family, even though they're not even that big of Directioners.
On me.
Signing out,
Alex <3
ns 15.158.61.20da2
