Xoa wasn't sure what to feel. In fact, she could hardly process anything other than misery and sadness. Her feelings kept replaying themselves over and over again inside of her mind, tormenting her with their cruel reality. Xoa couldn't convince herself that all the bad things that have happened, especially Niko leaving, wasn't her fault. Her mind kept telling her that she wasn't good enough. But she knew, in her heart of hearts that she should have tried harder to get closer to Niko. Now the guilt of causing Niko to want to end her life was consuming her.
Xoa was alone. She had nobody she could talk to. Drey understood what it was like to feel pain within yourself, and Sage understood that Xoa and Niko once had a romantic relationship. Although Xoa trusted Sage, she felt that the other girl wouldnt understand her feelings. She felt completely alone. Grieving over a broken heart that nobody knew about.
Drey and Sage were completely unaware that Xoa was battling with herself every day. Xoa had mastered the art of putting on a show making it look like her life was perfect, when it was truly shattered around her in a million pieces.
She was determined not to let anybody else suffer through what she had to go through. And that's exactly what she planned to do.
That night, Xoa lay awake thinking of nothing in particular. There was a nagging feeling in the back of her mind, and she couldnt quite put a finger on what was bothering her. It was something she had felt before. Xoa knew she had to be better. "I need to be better than this. I'm not good enough." She let her thoughts wander, thinking about why Niko may have left. "Am I not loving enough or funny enough or kind enough or pretty enough..." The last reason lingered in her mind. Attached to the thought was a wondering of "am I not skinny enough?" She had to do better. Xoa knew she couldn't continue to be like this.
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