Jessie
I don't know when it started, I can barely remember the incidents. But I remember the difficult days which passed, and I can still remember his face, his voice, his laughs, his eyes, and the way he said my name.
He was different, too different from other guys, to the point of annoying other guys, he was different to the point of making other guys jealous, making girls feel weird around him, and not in a good way.
You see good guys are rare to find, good girls are too, but I'm speaking in a girl's point of view, but I always had this problem; my thought on good guys differed completely from other girls' type of good guys.
For them a good guy has to be; handsome, should be the same level as them (financially and socially), buy them lots of gifts, treat them good, has to be better than their friend's boyfriends, should be rich, should compliment them all the time, maybe even be their slaves, and last but not the least they should be a good kisser.
It's not the same for me, I don't want a guy with all those qualities above, sure they are good. But not good for me. Other than all the qualities of; being understanding, sweet, kind, having a nice personality, all those girls forgot about the best thing; love. Or maybe they weren't looking for it after all.
All I want and wanted and will forever want is; I want him to love me.
I want him to be madly, passionately, crazily, and completely in love with me. I'm not saying this because I'm selfish, or I want attention, I'm just saying this because I think one should either not fall in love, or they should love deeply.
So far, I haven't found the guy who has that quality I want, all around me are guys with all the good qualities any other girl would like, but I haven't found the one for me.
You might say; stop searching, it will come and smack you in the face one day, love comes when you least expect it.
Honestly I don't believe in that. Why are all my friends so happily in a relationship, if love is unexpected? Sometimes I just don't understand people and the way they think. Since they all have their lovers and look so happy, they don't want you to be happy and will complain that relationships are not that good, or being single is the best thing that can happen to anyone.
But you know what? They're lying. They're happy and don't want you to be happy like them.
Among the entire male population of nearly two hundred eighty two thousand and two hundred eighty two in my city (Louisville, KY), men are always looking for women and they always get them, why?
Because they don't just sit down, and wait for the unexpected, mysterious girl to come into their loves. They actually look for them. They stare at girls, use online dating applications and websites, they even go on blind dates to find the love of their life.
And they usually do find them, and they live happily ever after with their princesses, like those fairy tales my mother used to read me when I was only seven. Not anymore, because; firstly she's dead and secondly I'm not a kid anymore and can read my own books now.
My problem is I have been looking for love too, but I can't just find them. I don't know the reasons, I have been asking myself many questions, like: Am I not pretty enough? Am I rude? Am I not good enough? And many other unmentionable questions.
Before I talk about that particular guy, who broke me completely. I will talk about all the other ones before him, since it's only normal to start from the beginning.
In case you're wondering, I have never had a boyfriend in my entire life, I am twenty two years old, and have never had a boyfriend, or been asked out, by anyone. Even girls.
I'm not lesbian, no. I'm just stating the facts, it's the twenty first century and we all know it's pretty normal to find gays, lesbians, bisexuals and even transgender among us. But I have not even been asked out by girls.
I know what you're thinking, and you're right. I have never been kissed too.
In high school it was all normal, I was the geek after all, I called myself; the pretty geek. I was confident that one day I will definitely have a lover, someone who likes me or loves me for me, who I will definitely love back.
But my hopes all crushed when I got into college. I had only asked out nine guys by the time I was in high school, my first crush was when I was in kindergarten, I was trying to play with the boys since I felt like being friends with boys more than girls, even when I was only four years old, but my crush pushed me, and I fell hard on my ass on the ground.
Just like that, my feelings for him disappeared. Even at that moment, my small brain knew it, I was rejected. I will not talk about the other eight guys, because they were all nearly similar to the first one, except the first one only pushed me and told me he doesn't like to play with me, while the others humiliated me, and bullied me.
The remaining three I met in college, Danny, James and Cody.
Danny Williams, was my first crush in college. James Jordan was the second, I asked him out the previous summer, he kindly rejected me. At least kindly. Cody Smith, who was my last crush, I asked him out the previous summer, and he rejected me rudely.
"Earth to Jessie!" I snap back into reality, and looked at my best friend, Emma Taylor, who has been waving her hands at me, and calling my name the last few minutes, as I can recall.
"What?" I muttered. Digging the fork in my hand into the spaghetti in front of me, and staring shyly at my best friend, ignoring her suspicious glares.
"I have been calling your name, for the thousandth time now!" she exclaimed " Where were you?"
"I was right here" I say, and put some spaghetti in my mouth. Emma was glaring at me, as if I have done something stupid, she always glares at me when she doesn't like something I've said and done.
"That's not what I mean" She pouts, looking cuter and much prettier than she already is.
"What do you mean then?" I ask innocently, Emma raises her right brow, and sighs in frustration, I just smile at her innocently, and bat my eyelashes at her.
"You were daydreaming again" She says, as if daydreaming is the worst crime that's been happening in Louisville this past year.
Doesn't she know that murder was the highest ranking crime the past year in our city? She probably doesn't. She has better knowledge in fashion and cinema than weird and nerdy things, unlike me.
"Sorry" I say finally, she just smiles and stares at my empty, dirty dish in front of me, she frowns then stares at her own untouched one.
"How do you do that?" She asks, I frown in confusion, then I realize what she means and I smile at her.
"I have a big tummy" I joke, Emma laughs and shakes her head at me, I grin and shrug, not really knowing how I managed to finish all my meal today. Sometimes I barely touch my food, my father always complains that I've become thin lately. But I don't think so, what is it with parents wanting to make their children as fat as they can?
Emma is surprised at my late eating habits, because she knows normally I can't eat this much, whenever I get depressed for a while, I lose my appetite completely, it's been more than five months since Cody rejected me, so the depressed period was finished, and I was back to being cheerful and enjoying life.
Okay, I lie. I'm not cheerful, or happy, or enjoying life at all. I only pretend, and my over eating is due to lacking nutrients and minerals in my body, and not eating enough food for the past five months, so it's kind of a reflex my body makes I guess, this happens to me all the time.
"Your tummy expands and shrinks, expands and shrinks.." Emma keeps saying while moving her hands, moving her palms away from each other as she says 'expands', and getting her palms together when she says 'shrinks'. "... expands and shrinks, expands and shrinks-"
"Enough, Emma. I got it." I interrupted as I put my hands on hers to stop her annoying behavior. She laughed at my expression and kept eating her spaghetti.
"Did you read Pride and Prejudice yet?" I asked, shaking my head at her weird eating habits. Her mouth was full of the spaghetti, and she was trying to talk with her mouth full, the result was total disaster.
"Appshhhlllyyy, nnnnnn" She said, I sighed and glared at her, yep, it was definitely my turn to glare at her. My smiled sheepishly and swallowed the food.
Actually, no." She said. You're kidding me.
"What?" I exclaimed, what does she mean? We had to finish the report on Monday. And here she says she hasn't read it.
"Sorry" She muttered, as she kept busying herself with the spaghetti in front of her. To avoid making eye contact.
"We have to finish it on Monday, Emmy" I complained "And you know it's Four hundred and thirty two pages."
Emma's cheeks reddened, which immediately made me feel sorry for her, but she had to know better, this was big. We had to finish the report before anyone else, Mr.Bailey promised an A plus to any group which finishes it before anybody else. The report was simple and easy, we just had to write a summary about the book, plus our own ideas and thoughts about the good and bad parts of the book, also we had to write about our opinions on the write, like what Jane Austen could have done to make the book better, or what was extra or lacking in her book, which is (if you ask me) totally ridiculous, how can anyone criticize a great author as Jane Austen, but well we had to do what we wanted to do.
The problem was, my best friend, has not even read any word, and it was already Wednesday, four more days left. It wouldn't have mattered if the person who has not read it was me, since I was a fast reader, and I had already read the book.
But this is Emma we're talking about, she's a slow reader, and she hates books, I have no idea how she has gotten into school of literature, if she doesn't like books, or English, or grammar for that matter.
As you can probably guess, I study English literature at the University of Louisville in Kentucky. Me and Emma immediately became friends since the day we first met, we're always together, and support each other, now that we're together for two years ( since we are sophomores) we became best friends eventually.
"Can I watch the movie instead?" Emma asked for the third time that day.
"No, Emmy." I answered for the third time too. "I already told you, books have many emotions and details in them, unlike movies. Movies skip the fun part, besides our mission is to know what Jane Austen thinks, not what the director of the movie thinks"
Emma rolled her eyes, and muttered something under her breath which I didn't quite hear.
"What?" I asked, she shrugged and continued eating her spaghetti, sometimes I question if we're friends or not, because we're just very different.
She is blonde, I am brunette.
She has curly hair, I have straight.
She has dark eyes despite the fact that she's blonde and her skin is pale (which is very weird), I have green eyes.
She is confident, and well I'm not.
I'm not just different from Emma, I'm also different from my other best friend, my sweet, kind, wild yet innocent childhood best friend, Rachel.
When Emma and Rachel met, they immediately became friends too, so the three of us are inseparable, and we extremely love each other.
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