Jessie
A period will come in life, which we might feel like there’s actually no joy in life, that we even doubt the people closest to us, and we’ll wonder if they ever loved us at all. Just because something has happened in our lives and just because someone let us down, we start to doubt everyone around us.
I’m actually the type who doubts everyone, I admit. But seeing my father taking care of me, and checking the time of my pills or how Rachel was actually very worried when I got sick and how she always freaks out when I pretend I’m about to faint just to scare her out. Or how Harry, who I’ve found out lately that he was actually my half brother, was so kind and caring. And all of them were giving me so much love, that I almost forgot his absence. Almost.
But the truth is, I missed him, and I’m trying my best not to go there. But every time I let my mind think about him I usually feed a huge void in my chest. I knew deep inside that it can actually be filled, but when, and how and how long it takes for that void to fill, that I don’t know.
I’m laying on the sofa in my father’s house, with a cup of steaming coffee in my hands (which Harry made for me) and a blanket covering my legs (which was my father’s idea, since he thought I’ll get cold). Harry was busy humming his favorite song while washing the dishes, his singing voice was so terrible that it made me laugh a couple of times, or maybe that was his intention, to make me laugh, you know.
Dad was taking a shower, and Rachel went to my apartment to see if everything is okay… regarding him leaving the apartment without a trace (which I tried my best not to think of it), my father thought it was better for me to stay with him for a few days, so that he could take care of me, until I get better.
I took a sip of my coffee after smelling it for the billionth time and heard the doorbell ring repeatedly. I frowned and stared at Harry who was dancing while holding a glass in his hand, using it as a microphone to sing.
“Harry!” I shouted, since his voice was so loud that I was sure he wouldn’t have heard me if I had called him gently.
“What?” Harry shouted back and glared at me, “Don’t interrupt my choreography please!”
“It’s the door! Go get it!” I shouted, glaring back at him. The doorbell kept ringing nonstop, which was getting annoying.
“I can’t. Can’t you see I’m dancing to Britney Spears?” Harry exclaimed and continued dancing. I groaned and put the cup of coffee on the table. Then I got up and got to the door slowly.
“I’m coming!” I said and shook my head, whoever this was, was an impatient one for sure. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and adjusted my clothes just in case it was an important person, before I opened the door.
I gasped audibly the moment I saw the person standing there at the doorstep. I don’t know whether I was surprised that Nathan was actually here, in front of me. Or was it the fact that I just noticed how much I actually missed him, and how much I have wanted to see his face again and kiss him again. Or I don’t know if I was actually surprised that Nathan had dark circles, his hair was messy and his eyes were bloodshot red. I wanted to say things, but somewhere in my mind there was this voice telling me that I wasn’t even supposed to talk to him, but then there was this other voice which told me the way Nathan was staring at me without even uttering a word was really nice, but I didn’t let this latter voice get to me. I blinked and looked away from him.
I was about to close the door, when Nathan held the door handle quickly.
“Wait!” He said, “Jess… let’s talk… please…”
I ignored him and pushed the door with greater force to close it, but Nathan was stronger and he wouldn’t let me close the door.
“Please! Just give me this chance. I’m going back to Florida today, you won’t see my face again”
I stared into this eyes and wondered what would happen if I actually let him talk? What could possibly go wrong?
“Please…” Nathan said once again, taking advantage of my silence. I sighed and stared at the kitchen at Harry who was still dancing and singing then I slowly closed the door behind me and walked towards Nathan.
“What do you want?” I asked, without staring at him. He walked closer to me, I could feel his warm breath on my face. He grabbed my hand with one his hands, and put his index finger under my chin to make me look at him.
“I… I don’t know where to start” He whispered, staring deep into my eyes, which didn’t really help with calming my heart down.
“Jess, I’m so in love with you, and that’s the truth”
“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have played with my heart” I found myself say.
“I never planned to do that” Nathan shook his head, “I swear, that was never my intention”
“You broke my heart” I whispered, aware of warmness of his finger on my chin, and how dangerously close he was, standing only inches away from me. And hating myself for it.
“I broke mine too” He said, “The day you found out about this ‘fake boyfriend’ thing I was at your Dad’s. I knew if I continue this game you’ll get hurt, and so I… I was searching for a way to tell you.”
I was surprised at what he just said, but I waited patiently for him to finish.
“I never expected you to find out in that way, I wanted to tell you myself” he continued, “truth be told, I never imagined to fall for you. Not because you’re not worth it , no. But because I had given up on love. Also I never imagined you falling for me too, honestly speaking, I thought you’re just a girl who’s after attention, I thought you can’t really love a guy. I was so wrong, and I’m really sorry for everything, please forgive me.”
“Why are you telling me all of these?” I asked.
“I want to be honest with you” Nathan answered.
“What makes you think I can believe you, you hurt me once, you can hurt me twice” I said, taking even myself by surprise.
“Jess,” Nathan whispered, and cupped my face with his hands. I was too shocked to even move away or slap his hands away. “I have been hurt too. The girl who I was so in love with once, cheated on me, so I know how you must be feeling now”
“You have no idea” I mumbled.
“Oh, yes. I do. I know you like my hands rubbing your cheeks, just like how I know you’re hurt”
“You hurt me a lot”
“I know. And I’m here to ask you to forgive me, and give me a second chance”
“Second chances always hurt more”
“Not for the right person”
“You’re so full of yourself”
“I’m sorry, you’re right. But what I mean is: I will try my best to be the right guy for you. The guy who actually deserves you.”
“But… why do you love me? I’m sick, and weak and desperate for love”
“I really have no idea why I love you, but what I know is love doesn’t need reasons, love is natural. And I don’t give a fuck if you’re sick or whatever, I’m in love with you, Jess. And that’s something which can’t be changed, and is not in my hands”
“I honestly don’t know what to say”
“You don’t have to say anything, think about it, My flight is at four. I got one hour and a half left. Think of what you want and let me know. I really hope you give me a second chance, but if you decide not to, I’ll still understand”
I bit my lower lip, thinking, while enjoying his touch. I knew if I take any route now, it’s completely up to me. What was it that my mom told me in my dream? Oh… she said love is one part of life, not all of it. Maybe my mother tried too hard for love. Maybe what she was actually looking for was love, like the Jessie of one month ago. Maybe she never wanted Dad or Mr. Hikings, she wanted love. And when she couldn’t find it anywhere , at least that’s what she thought, she committed suicide.
But at this moment I don’t want love, I have enough of love from Dad, Rachel and Harry and Dave. Although I do want Nathan in my life, but I can’t rush these things especially when I’m not really sure of Nathan’s feelings.
“Do you really love me?” I asked.
“I do” He replied.
Seeing Nathan looking so vulnerable and cute, I wanted to say ‘yes’, and I wanted to kiss his pain away and tell him I love him too and I’m so ready to give him a second chance. But what actually came out of my mouth was; “ No. I can’t do this Nathan. I’m so sorry. I’m scared of getting hurt again.
I will never forget the pain on Nathan’s face in my entire life, I wanted to take those words back instantly. But I didn’t. I bit my lower lip really hard as tears poured down my face. And I was digging my nails into my skin in order to forget the burning sensation in my heart.
“I understand” Nathan mumbled, “I wish you all the best Jessie. But… just in case you changed your mind, my flight is at four o’clock”
He dragged the luggage with him after letting go of my face, and started to walk away. As for me, I was on the ground the moment he left, bawling my eyes out.
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