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下班回家，淋浴。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8uH3kYNl9
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsQfuxOtK0
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgPQjwTmv5
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqvL7nlELM
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQN7gqE87mC
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzCKKUaDCq
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxC9liJqXP7
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw188iPIYh3
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqxTejHC2E
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1eglLfQUK
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKmlj6WvMz
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbr5nMnYknS
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1oNOsQzqo
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIzplFkhjV
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgp85FCD2gg
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIohrCVHxCs
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyP135rIKTG
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvlwB3UFJr
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡza16r2tbTS
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRsPM4MMMg
啪——啪——463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhVZQ6gzmz
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwl1GmFUiQ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq637LPRUjs
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNj5ZjHmtmq
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoultnOv3Lg
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL1E3Ng0ZSI
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5sMG4LEyJy
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP0N64M9K1s
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCT8q00SBOI
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbpIepmBeI
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBdqs2ctBtb
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zZQ909W64
算了吧。沒所謂。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvy5w3vQtB
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7feYaktoV6
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7luGq1Fvw
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaS3F2TZSs
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwlqcmygwCf
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMOlLO3H2F
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVtGmw6cwmd
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYcFiJRM7A
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljE8cnoSy0
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ814PDyrFSn
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAajZPgokE9
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpRvRRoxPg
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7FTpFkdii
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxSOSx6nUpB
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwqUW3gXgO
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtGagt64zP
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoIuiX09dW
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ATwmIkbMw
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjrEFsLra9
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7yKFpzc4z
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5jVu1fGE9
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnP6acrBq0x
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSazcy2ADw
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAV4lhjK5Vt
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeYYMsi6s6
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDj85XbEdAB
我頭也不回開門離家。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIJWok9q9U
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuhhba8qlw
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFClA2BEOI
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCchnDzCCrR
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupqLOqURqA
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡncckqO1XYU
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByrSlCjDc7
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLvrwj81TU
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmpW4hRxPYr
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewGNHI7kwL
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7aN5yZ2Y1
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVAe4nIqmw
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKZXpNTzFs
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3eYV8SQKhy
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZbIBj49oH
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZp8FJSy4mn
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFlobbQgw0
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2mWm1x8xi
「你不開心？」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pvfvzoQtH
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxhMcb8C4q
「是的。但與你無關。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFA1RZPwjqc
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujpHTWycIY
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wgp7XVR3x
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnOKJSjghz
「還有菸嗎？」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUojsAUmWbs
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZcLaiXCyd
「有。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1tsn7CWZb
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzoe2MDhBm
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyBWTCyde7
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttTjH1j7bn
「俊仔還好嗎？」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKbf9HzXUn
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hUY9TCXmL
「與你無關。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3sJanCKBD
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcdMDkqQbE
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTMJfK9KkG
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7pI8LO1LF
我幽幽一笑。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYAbgHH6mz
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFRbIwW0if
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YE8et98Dv
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFujFXrtj4N
「多少？我付！」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCoLCVkOvp3
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9DVwBWUq5
「五萬七千五百元。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbm31yj5tHd
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTFcIrVIBwK
「好！沒問題！小意思！」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcjF7XafZyj
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYWFnnYdvq
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjmD4sShDq
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOp3DPFapBl
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdS0tzBXcOD
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3BzJkHI0k
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKdsGpAeax
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowYbpHPCKb
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0OLPdF7ZB
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5jxd4kqm2
「阿顧，對不起。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06wWuGHaWW
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT30lPVYre7
「道歉有屁用！」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5PcX3Lnec
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCDeAqLIZG
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbwHgZtkL7
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSNT8rbWEc
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0qSaR8RM9
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3MLAIcidj
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOZe0xW06w
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV40c0X7Px2
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa25igpLVC5
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLFpORnUY5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLe5FeqIJPS
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRAB3c6qAB
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiROdipm7RA
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEmspjrJ06
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0ZN0YxXUs
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxh89es97fn
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UohwYOMpN
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdz2bW5MTc
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyNwepEgK0
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0NSiO1b0V
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbXev1zT57
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvcWktMdBL
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdBMVQqAYK
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbXBA3wE6a
我活該……我活該……我活該……463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIsLwu0qrE
463Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdSCCeBGqKp
我如此催眠自己。
