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下班回家，淋浴。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvBmzpnObg
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8uBgTHsCN
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUgSqlqh1P
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjwiB11oQ7f
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dOYPh9hQB
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0iFA8fLuVe
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73kOBZLf2c
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBW6XYBw33
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDP3eVAPSl
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8alHtZvYCd
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQ22Mqsk73
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUWYoKoI5x
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtsYlyIc82
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhSIZMmAvy
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNUAAkzhRqf
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrYhwSF7eYy
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDj6vfk2v1l
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTUwtk5aXe
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xKD3egAHc
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAFlczE7tG
啪——啪——527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNm8pCEp3N
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMwH4CNfLJ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzg3S1T1mg
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQC7JM3PwNe
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwBzqvX8Cs
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvwU4r9743
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMVHfWnKIS
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcjd2uWM0y
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcYeWCE9Mx
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBdXjhOWbV5
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx67vJDBqAI
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeyzVeQjp5
算了吧。沒所謂。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5rhgaUaTj
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsM9CqjxEf
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3U7tZeVqOF
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECgLblejYz
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQlWSfxwKG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIANdr2jgv4
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEA6Z8pKDct
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnzfE9QGcvM
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLglr3DliEc
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWq8uBjQDN
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wkfbPt4Rt
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLyP95m1Sg
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dtE7QMCfG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ471KKF2tvb
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz1kuaOboOE
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAlHFK5uD1k
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUjbl42JON
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLXiFafNA9
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKD6NSCSLk
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrw2t0wx5vr
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWcyi9U2xT
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ss5XwH9CV
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaggIrZNW3
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusOXKOJfnU
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vEUN2qWOM
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEPxP8FcnX
我頭也不回開門離家。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZQJN1DsT0
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOisw70zgU
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PqvMwa9OM
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICRiwIAZmW
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDNpHukFAk
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkImHHLOY1e
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaH0HJRysip
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUy19JhnXUD
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvxpTVDNsR
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNn7Us3S4My
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yPmpJ7Au6
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGt6YRfJ3DE
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPAFvJGDv6
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQoWF4FuVGw
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0M4p2vvuJ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctbNS7MbVE
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4lr0wx8gC
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqTuj3t6vn
「你不開心？」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCujDfjicY
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVt87B5zdBu
「是的。但與你無關。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUK1NDx7fJW
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSKIpFwdVY
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPuVDXs45X
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVtNwDbkEha
「還有菸嗎？」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozAWijAkRp
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBcztF59sL
「有。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2Pq7wFZHu
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTC6k0f89z
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASm7SAWW4F
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw4R2mRahrN
「俊仔還好嗎？」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fgurqyUYy
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VSQa6AA6n
「與你無關。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltniPyNvSG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXs0HA8VIU
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRPoTLshro
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxyDExktiU
我幽幽一笑。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbrxWsEgd1
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrhClDnGlb
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZPeenkayx
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLT0rm6zJhm
「多少？我付！」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtH3ZPYctb
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiSennrAx8
「五萬七千五百元。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcOuTtmWGm
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLciiu8agww
「好！沒問題！小意思！」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOQChwlvqT
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XDdnwGEfn
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKiAtwjiVG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCM8hpca4x
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4VweTsUpd
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EhwRQ7ThG
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNk8Pz054hH
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7u13yudJWD
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7HvGi2VMP
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eCJr9RwU6
「阿顧，對不起。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfN5QdD7gdj
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAwZK4JESl
「道歉有屁用！」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJt9lZNmFKS
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3qRPbcaOd
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57mk3ufEcJ
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rdB0xfYO4
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQY4WfhjWrf
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtj6eQ57f9S
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31Xsb4sPPW
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJs7TCYQ4s
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrG9cWy6xq
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5iIrTVBLo
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYL2ZrgOLX
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrz3g6UmqD
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgyYNfdirbU
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86j8uyspDb
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5THwcokKG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiWKtntyro
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIPkdIBMNI
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIycqrd9Idj
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBAvHcXvbx
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsjdyNgxEG
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzXENQSEBq
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7ePI9gDLs
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwOVjYSOXG
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmA0FfYGMP3
我活該……我活該……我活該……527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFjWnV4EXB
527Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpvcSfNkoO
我如此催眠自己。
