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下班回家，淋浴。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqWDaz9onI
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZacp6ey77
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1wko2cGHQc
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCipBJMVpWC
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETiEeeGmIE
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VsQPVQXCD
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmztAfU8TEi
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6l0hl6vwt
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmmigcyM3f
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQY2gYJtzR
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1V4kXUkcV6
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7y4XoGVdJj
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMo8fgsFAq9
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTikjkufHC
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOiIBmCA7g
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfK6vsv5ERk
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmkQt6qD5i
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vQ9Vx5Efy
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9NRmaLMt2
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUrj1YV2By
啪——啪——451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEFBhylz5F
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvUQ9TmO5Yw
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVEfSlls8D
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZm5uekvOT
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYXG1hwVYM
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu8CMuuqmU1
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjcVPAcv2L
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQ1SdnL6qD
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PxLxiKZyt
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6RXCQLh29
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkevFTl6c7W
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69Rjlq2Yzf
算了吧。沒所謂。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEPIOpXjNq
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBqMdspUlD
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyo7r5rS9I
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNZs0h5aMT
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WUMoh6dVi
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZQJfzN7rO
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTQQbQxQtA
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSFvF0QnWI
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxr15hl3T1b
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vf2gzl3kB
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilLytqugCk
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtJgf6S2VO
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJQ0F2ZigT
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvFBd0x1EX
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljEExmKELr
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxLiixCNUd
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGcl22C0TR6
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoehW6rlNB
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bsqRSPwCH
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUo8ygDQQ6
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjlFbwv8VB
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhcNf0WT2p
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVq1kQp3a4
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWcUvfeLxl
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPSunYekYT
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2nSMgIIxP
我頭也不回開門離家。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3CWTpSIPJ
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhudIy3zQNk
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZLwODRky6
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnl8KBxwZqo
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdL758RAED
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvgbEmmKZt
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshFeAWSiry
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxUADmd84cZ
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpMgtaSDUkn
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2kzjirQUg
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajFJwdffx3
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKEe3Meesl
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tn8kYj8ok
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlfbKxbz7WI
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaK7eSeH5c
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0gEkhFdL4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OQcOsdYpz
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡey32GASNIf
「你不開心？」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZN2GZJlir1
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WVBh3lJ6v
「是的。但與你無關。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJZQuJfVVO
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXuCp3OHU8
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSRL4Lhu1f
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnffpkSbwp
「還有菸嗎？」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjjEcBJGau
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvp1cmQHQTM
「有。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22mWcmai29
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhj8QK2scMF
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEmUSreKvA
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoCPnnrj2v
「俊仔還好嗎？」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGZKE1lxCI
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHNQiseHFX
「與你無關。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0aAE9NqIhW
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEivfATwwQ3
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMQWUHJ2y9
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDwoAGnEvz
我幽幽一笑。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGiQ1jAwWk
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmi21ECFDw
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwC3PT1UbbX
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfLSsJ7T2p
「多少？我付！」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkBb4McWwM
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZblTASydF0
「五萬七千五百元。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGqQ2sBOeL
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk661qFA26e
「好！沒問題！小意思！」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeOpsdPGHIp
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA8npWvdUZc
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoZrq07aj3s
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwzBZsfyLvJ
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFB0yQ5456y
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHI6sCMtFwO
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2Lx7KidGy
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOBMEY4Md4v
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVx3OzUtwC
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcFwD7aMwL
「阿顧，對不起。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhr42byFrS
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfD6gYngFoK
「道歉有屁用！」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDukx1DFLzw
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2OeCvM5md
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3OkgCMG9B
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWwciw6eoi8
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyHkznGBLn
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwdZs2Kq0P
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDkyvmMOla
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlZhOFgfwv
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoB65mzb2Pl
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GRXldrMct
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KILpkYA2H
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOuNRRobLe
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvs1kJvu9h
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1nS0fATc80
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqNqPGc4A9
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hErHgZtfR
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFKsOLPwuc
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNhWv9mTcj
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoKdKFT1zK
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOKTXYLI9B
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmxsVHTEvy
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVXfFJZbsJ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BO9GQyZ2d
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPdswaaqrO
我活該……我活該……我活該……451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYaLmdIFgjI
451Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNFHwcdA06K
我如此催眠自己。
