x
下班回家，淋浴。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ817mYeoigt
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4t8TK7IIR
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ090Lh44Nw5
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qiGaHeg8Y
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XkYNecM0t
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIgHcdg35X
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjfSkNet3d
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcDfGw3sQf
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5O7eRKC3D
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4oZcAyMaj
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4myTAoQAWO
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmiCdqGRSB
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwI8tkHj2B0
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPiAVwZx0Mm
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9Lzu7nLCW
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOjC90PYSw
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17Y62ew9dY
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsesdbvGHlE
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbk6v81fhF
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGXRa8OHyr
啪——啪——475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfxIwNuiqf
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3acJMIpOU
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7AltU332Ir
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WDJGk4Da9
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0AMXCJoUF
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacmCnHAHoU
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9FUw0mzfx
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkE0LBZUV2
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPQu5wBTjH
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvLEdo579v
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAjhCHe5Wo
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmYMKNylgW
算了吧。沒所謂。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMe4ELSAX8
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuL3abcJDvr
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJzQD2tKZu
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqTskqxrGV
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE0r2VMKaMn
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0djQkvmeE
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9U0XclbjlT
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAJN5pDSta
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvZoaCLzE3
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKRLHmpKQ3
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwHJ0X8JFt
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2pvUhzWNB
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Cf3YGsHIw
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPj6b3lMiLQ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPoRJlnydQ
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRC5HDzZ77L
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cbLZmtaBD
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdxQfV7OLd
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7cGXCtq7h
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYCG8m8HY3
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguOdOACbUB
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENZVo5Vdgi
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM26qjhaE5i
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUvuf8SyOI
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlmEIZxXoJ
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcl17SVCkR
我頭也不回開門離家。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxjoFJ44E0
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBJsTc0C8N
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkM1bMnGcc
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkMGJGHeYj
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhljWTfvoZ
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUw0W13ggd8
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmk1jsxBLY
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdSECgka99
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLU3EPiclw7
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxV3Wzlcjoz
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Zt9BqfHGE
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WpZ7Odvom
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qdQvInoMc
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21QEOIdFAe
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28pAVze2q2
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPoIxp6spW
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwX1tTBrwXx
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmA6D0H26g
「你不開心？」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTAJ6jRxGC
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJy4sA2prbd
「是的。但與你無關。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUIZ9Bagmb
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGCxDGkkQt
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGimRx1d6L
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96Sjj6W0BP
「還有菸嗎？」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooTLBi1Hrq
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMJaTxTQfx
「有。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uJxp1NLKZ
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDogQ8SBJ7
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lUwc4kPAs
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhHujcv0nOt
「俊仔還好嗎？」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYfvtSxkp2
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiV0MTKwgRR
「與你無關。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9TWLmm7Mul
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5GTW30mLv
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4mduUOdB6
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFnriGadcu4
我幽幽一笑。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3FAyOOrJa
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIrIMfLs9Q
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeMjYVW7jNv
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5k8TxIDwoi
「多少？我付！」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnL50RyGqT8
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrCWJoFtx4
「五萬七千五百元。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRm3b8Ll1M
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLK4oGtGwud
「好！沒問題！小意思！」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzspdc9WclQ
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7WCyQ0gkg
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlT6B7D9zY
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡudbBW2wDk0
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQdoFMpfhYX
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fVd00Lzc2
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO8dc3japib
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡognE9GoEmB
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepTB1gDgB0
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNBGpT4RXGh
「阿顧，對不起。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GcaEwvb2X
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPey44yW7u
「道歉有屁用！」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3ERlPGGNV
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjl4NHpbUc
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBmlDbiv3X
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7rZAZA7Mtz
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvyHQ1hkyY
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzFi9vVlLNH
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKX42QrKiQX
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIceEhicbt
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4lMNMIbyh
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGyVf65zth
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEiXZROQT9i
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQ5ZHrjCaW
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJorjUEAqWf
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xb4Vd6EGI
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSlV2BLTZX
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYxMPahazo
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCxwK7AY7X
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPamFvCv0FX
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOHjHr16B7e
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmH0OVsXnSm
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhTXGVbENf
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikcUDP3jkQ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQ801HKbsn
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7K9Sli02x
我活該……我活該……我活該……475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXsoomkmNL
475Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjmjwcj5rrX
我如此催眠自己。
