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下班回家，淋浴。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyXpIeCf1k
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQknq2tjdTt
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfyDVH6ztk
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxih3NcCccE
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJ7Kspxz8i
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1Bi5SeS0d
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBWbTQr5FO
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMQvnic7gSk
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CzfdDdX5E
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3xQK6Hj6E
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFo5M4jwfmS
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nEnL5FP8U
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHkwDhEPdR
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYEufEq35f
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVp0mwmYV1W
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFW2Vg7TVE
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROVGG1P61F
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBidrfBh0Go
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhGdrh2kC6
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXZoFA9Ka5
啪——啪——495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjEpsN2qpL
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDKdR3T1xt
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8V5taLUaQc
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkVXiaeCv69
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhKoweWLaT
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7T4zkIL8my
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6XuhsVnQi
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmA76wJ5PtK
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tCnL7ZwrZ
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHT47XWPA9r
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLK5N7j0ra
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEuLThnUeF
算了吧。沒所謂。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOPGp4zG8J
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWB7TmKW2wH
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6pkaYn3bF
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45EcmM1tS2
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2Z6Ccd0rg
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjBCBejDajM
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡigLC0zkaF1
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuI0ZtZUcBs
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3LmHLPXGw
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEURaCjZ1o
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPE1DXJoaT2
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYU5LMZkm5k
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsY2WzNrCm
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJNMtwa9Dq
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9sZA0Sx5q
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7eUyHsJ9t
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbExvYWlJR
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Zf2tWx697
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9GHyWUiLz7
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndSTSmchgZ
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAt8SOGNW9
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIHZa58ZMlK
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNhoFDuHKo
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDqskHQ79i
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxaU5YcyQN
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIV7pKPo3d
我頭也不回開門離家。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOT53Tlheh
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE91GcUfaHw
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQz5QcIzkEh
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ547qYBZL9o
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPufbHhjUfm
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmHH2H7AwL
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbYfk01nP1k
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBxDpZIKiD
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5Vqct4wix
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ593rSjGGhF
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3qsaLdbvs
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrBnqBtb1o
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrL0YiOYDwe
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoL4jtMkle
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1ivKVwl3o
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeC2nsMb0B
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrR4HI31xX5
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQ2SYBJFbL
「你不開心？」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjvlULdsqo
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBVGAkbskp
「是的。但與你無關。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54AxHrD2tl
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CzShX2P44
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjaL3auNss
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWdSXHV8GfZ
「還有菸嗎？」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGgF29Lm3i
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzKZs6RVwZ9
「有。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwI2njxYPYI
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqWtERD4yS
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzttZTk7WOC
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzH5Ohr2J2t
「俊仔還好嗎？」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYTLqDm5rF
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRMfNHyX00
「與你無關。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HI22AczZD
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGNfKz8awW
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHPCYpdrVw
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjJlmwQP8A
我幽幽一笑。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkB1uP2qtm
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQ5ic5QyFY
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKwrRXjbqK
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSXihBJr3J
「多少？我付！」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4M6pWo9L4J
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmK7LlpVfqa
「五萬七千五百元。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGOgx2DjZ7u
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SD6kzQj4j
「好！沒問題！小意思！」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGk7mpSIwM
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1ukveLtM7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUwSnrOklr
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6VJvgFIOc
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nrYePAaPD
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GxBmGka9J
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJZs1FAK9d
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtMdHCW0Hj
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbc9OgppSB2
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKhIPhRRBu
「阿顧，對不起。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yUmazs4Bm
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Jbxrnq5ND
「道歉有屁用！」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSj7TRP3k81
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhS74VssK9
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTDSJuPdFS
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBfHfCcMyB2
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfy9M2QFIsP
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpYFC9SXUU
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZEKNJzenP
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJm4Cf9OCc
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpdJkE4NmWm
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkB7S83gHf
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bz4TeNdvp
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELt5N8pPua
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnsodcl8vi
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KY04AaqB9
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnp5EnegXS
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6GU8uy6I9
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFi3vtcJpv
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgR2RaawGi8
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBOes6f8aqZ
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4FQ84MFRt
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ruDoLQwMn
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn9cvu2XIb1
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AHz4335FP
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5LoovUaYQN
我活該……我活該……我活該……495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEH90xCUV3k
495Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZsIqg0MHC
我如此催眠自己。
