Nathan
At some point in life, we have all been thinking about running away from life. From the problems we have, the people who we see and talk to everyday… We kind of get tired of the same routine and maybe we’ll want to change it, or perhaps we have a problem in life which we can’t solve, or it could just be that the solution is not in our hands, and we can’t actually force it to be solved, and so at these times running away may seem like the best option. And it sometimes is.
Have you ever wanted to run away from all the troubles you have, and all of the people around you and you’ve just wanted to live far away in an island, alone? Or just somewhere you know nobody’s going to know you or care about you or judge you? Well that’s how I’m feeling right now.
I want a new beginning, to start my life again from scratch, to go live in an island and just live alone and read books or watch movies all day, every day. Perhaps look at the stars at night alone, the chirping of the birds and how they fly from one branch of a tree to another, and listen to the flowing river trickling. Probably that calming environment will make me forget about reality and instead wonder about the stars, the birds and the river.
Flying back to Florida may not seem like the best fleeing, and there may not be any birds and stars to wonder about, but at least getting busy with my research might get my mind off of something. You know, using your negative energy and thoughts for positive purposes might be a good idea.
Speaking of good ideas, I’m currently in Jessie’s apartment, packing my clothes and stuff. Being cautious to not leave a single thing which belongs to me that might harm Jessie in any way. I don’t want to leave any memory of me here in this place. She has been through a lot, and she’s already going through a lot with her family problems and all those mysteries she’s found out lately might be too overwhelming for her to take it. Especially at her condition, I shook my head and grabbed the last piece of cloth in the closet and started folding it.
I heard the front door open and my heartbeat increased a hundred times, afraid that it might be Jessie and she sees me, and afraid if she sees me she’ll get hurt more. I took a deep breath and peeked through the door which I haven’t bothered to lock earlier, but thankfully instead of seeing Jessie, I saw Rachel taking off her boots.
I slowly opened the door as I relaxed a little bit, Rachel stared at me and frowned when she saw the folded sweater in my hands.
“Hey!” I said slowly.
“Hey! What are you doing?” She asked and walked past me to my room.
“I’m packing” I replied and put the sweater over my already folded clothes in the luggage.
“Packing?” Rachel asked, as if she didn’t hear me the first time I said it.
“Yes, packing.” I replied and zipped the luggage then I stared at my watch to check the time, it was two and a half in the evening.
“Why are you packing?” Rachel asked and stood in front of me, her arms folded, I stared at her, not believing that she’s actually asking me that question.
“I’m leaving” I said, and shook my head, grabbing the luggage with some difficulty and started dragging it out of the room. The room which was mine for a month.
Rachel followed me quickly and stopped me in front of the door to my room.
“Leaving?” She asked, but it was more of a statement. It was as if she didn’t want me to leave.
“Yes. Rach. I’m leaving, I’m going back to Florida” I answered, feeling irritated, my heart beating faster.
“I know that, you idiot!” Rachel yelled, taking me by surprise, then she continued in a calmer voice, “Just because Jessie said you have to leave the apartment doesn’t mean that you actually have to go back to Florida, you know!”
“We already talked about this Rach, my supervisor called me and I have to finish my research to graduate soon” I replied and ran my hands through my hair, “Now can you please step away from the door?”
“What about Jessie?” Rachel asked, her eyes filling with tears. I swallowed and looked away.
“What about her?” I mumbled, as I forced my mind to focus on the luggage beside me and the clock on the opposite wall to the kitchen, and not on how it will feel without Jessie.
“You said you loved her” Rachel whispered, as she started sobbing and grabbed my free hand. I took a deep breath, still not staring at her, letting a single teardrop fall down my cheek.
“I do” I replied.
“Then… why are you leaving? Why don’t you fight for her?” Rachel asked, she was still crying and she squeezed my hand, as if begging me not to go. I almost saw Jessie in her, but I shook that thought away and reminded myself to think rationally.
“I’m leaving because of my research, Rach. As for Jessie, I… I can’t do it, I’ve hurt her a lot, there’s no turning back” I mumbled and squeezed her hand back, hoping she can understand me.
“But… you guys love each other” She declared, “Jessie may seem mad at you now, but if you talk to her-“
“Nothing will change if I talk to her, she doesn’t even want to talk to me in the first place. And even if I go and talk to her now, I’ll hurt her even more”
“Give her some place, don’t just give up on her. When she’ll calm down she’ll eventually accept to listen to you, and then you can explain yourself, maybe even change her mind”
“When someone’s heart has been broken, you can’t change her mind, you need to fix her heart. In Jessie’s case it’s even worse. She’s very sensitive, so it’s difficult to fix he heart, especially by me who has broken it many times”
“You can fix it, Nathan!”
“I can’t. It’s over”
“Yes you can, you’re my brother, the Nathan I know. You’re hard working and you don’t play around with anything.”
“I played with her heart…”
“That’s different, it was my fault, but let’s not get into that now. My point is; you can fix it, and honestly only you can heal her heart”
“Come on, Rach. Be a bit realistic. Healing from a heartbreak needs to be done alone. She doesn’t need a guy to heal her, especially not the guy who broke her heart.”
“Okay… maybe I’m not very good with the words I’m using now, maybe you’re right, she doesn’t need you to be healed. But… will either you and Jessie be happy with another person? Will you find a better girl than her to make you happy?”
“I won’t find a girl better than Jessie, not in my entire life. But there are better matches than me for Jessie”
“I see the way you two look at each other, and talk about each other. I am being realistic, Nathan. What’s more real than love? You love each other, that’s what matters. Sometimes the only thing that matters is love, this is called unconditional love. You forget about all the excuses and follow your heart”
“You can’t follow your heart everytime”
“You actually can”
“You won’t always get the things you want by following your heart”
“You’re right. But you’ll have no regrets then. You have tried your best then”
“You are saying all of these things to me, but do you actually believe in them? Are you ready to fight for love? Risk everything?”
“Yes. Me and Dave are dating now, and we both know this is the right thing to do”
“What if something happens? What if your relationship is ruined? Me and Dave could stop being friends too”
“That’s where you are wrong. Why think about what might go wrong? When we can actually make everything right. It’s a choice you know. Me and Dave have feelings for each other, so we’re good. Now all that remains is to see where this will go, either it will work or not. But instead of worrying about this not working out, we’re both actually working on making things work out, and we’re very excited for it”
“But… what if things don’t work out in the end?”
“See? You’re still thinking about the negative part. You’re still wondering about things not working out”
“You might both get hurt”
“We will. But Dave is worth giving the chance, plus I don’t want to have any regrets”
“Still, me and Jessie are different, ours started with lies. And she’s different than you, not as strong as you”
“Honestly… if she heard you now talk about her condition and calling her not strong, she’ll be even more hurt. I know Jessie, and I know she would want you to think she’s strong, and she would want you to trust in her”
“Rach… even if all what you’re saying is true. She still doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t want to see my face”
“Have you actually tried to talk to her?”
“No…”
“You need to try, Nathan. Please don’t give up on her, don’t give up on this love, just try it once again. Don’t hurt yourself, be selfish for once!”
“So, what do you suggest I do? I could stay here but if things didn’t work out with Jess, I’ll lose her and I’ll also lose months of hard working for my project”
“That depends on you, bro. I could have done something about you two and it would have been easy. But, well, I learnt my lesson. So it’s time for you to decide. Think, and do what you think will make you both happy”
“I thought you said to follow my heart, thinking would ruin that though…”
“Uh… yeah. I meant follow your heart, and think of the best way to win her over”
I laughed and pulled my sister in for a tight hug, “Thank you, Rachel. I love you” I mumbled into her hair.
“You’re welcome, I love you too!” She mumbled back.
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