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下班回家，淋浴。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUY5dSihlb
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ryMtvVS9X
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1e7HWXG2x
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGhOfpkBvC
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmar8JAPENF
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzecrxirC19
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3QbNMXmLE
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEnK2dxylO
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzj6LITCej9
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycInD3Iv4n
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSybty0Hk2
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVvVIXgELE
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17XeibyzGv
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtbGtKv0wk
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5uJK8xghI
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonY5iTYjXj
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBFInFHWWe
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRHMiUTGhF
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡARkWAy7bjT
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRFONMhwfA
啪——啪——496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuqk6rWuO3
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQWWeF2isnB
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbR9Rg56neu
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuGlOVADtQ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJm3LQ8i5J
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbi9dB8hGP
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpf3Vl9njj
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQkxDFch1N
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxqdWxuFHzO
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8Atun88Ol
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkshuxMgqL
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESQfnWy6MR
算了吧。沒所謂。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlmFUMyKIMb
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsW6N4a816D
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDybR3o5fP2
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFYBa3VyUe
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2WjUWS8GV
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTdO1N6bfI
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zkPleB6AL
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvLPYZ681f
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxwBoDcRhD
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1W2inktSTp
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXf8dibiYL
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10yzU9gw57
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QiN76l5pK
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡif7BR4K7Uq
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLarF8Kerp
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXu1SnkVkX
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUL19EGNwNW
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDhjZ34230
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbROtZeNO2m
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhXm8upz9u
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2KPAiNrtN
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5y13U8TzB
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zznxldivl
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihmm7hxPXz
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXvuDcWBer
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbl96ebxbHX
我頭也不回開門離家。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZSG3Thenj
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbsAx1sPvO
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtVsHnqsNF
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU84aCrRbol
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡznIb4ZNR0n
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NKej8pWSv
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhV8NtA89Tz
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjDjJuL72m
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2MrIlPbAm
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NyKhwhKT2
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJK6MQXtyr
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMpW0vsSw8
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJe556ja7S
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbFoVFQbFL
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCHWUJlu3e
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHlbzfB2CN
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOwky4XAag
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPunq3Qg2CO
「你不開心？」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwtbQkgK80
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGdahLKA8Z
「是的。但與你無關。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYUoVsaeiM
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCQXLTRdPB
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLXRGqkzM0
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqBccWfQec
「還有菸嗎？」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHFxZdIJqi4
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VOviwd28b
「有。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO581t0vira
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5k9hmBjlK
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQguOSi7Og
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4t4Z4y3fsB
「俊仔還好嗎？」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLgRncmq2F
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpo1CZy0xMu
「與你無關。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5q6eq3m5p
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPcfbdHbEU
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eyGU8kgTl
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFFpPTaxJEX
我幽幽一笑。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8AomLjGdL
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1RdkhI9nf
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49QAxJXJJU
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTrglkwlPh
「多少？我付！」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTG06nJDtO
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48eNwpo0A1
「五萬七千五百元。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgBos2hPwB
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SKrg07YGY
「好！沒問題！小意思！」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrw2UMrPAZy
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5KnlleUdi
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhNjqJkYim
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ48hgsugWxE
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFGs2Vbo1R8
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRdHM4Lit7
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGKaE7Gq8z
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdU6W6mICbD
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUtBd2lkRM
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRDvfaCvyxO
「阿顧，對不起。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDOuVgIidg
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TuPiCGTNC
「道歉有屁用！」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmDFuvq3ks
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeANeWJAVUi
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTxen6RaZ5
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNDZD4UQvn
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcD72FaeNe
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52YjbLUgg3
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHltunvynnb
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHxxQ9MBwaj
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTMH5JdW5U
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHqPkWm8MG
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKT82VI3kcI
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzebOpNZoF
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sp1pwzlOm
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wxy6FLOAH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarr8dI4VhF
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGm0JtgizB
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjfOvOth1v
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXVXEumL4s
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8N9lNFM0u
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKeijegEzv
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhW1DVeCPG
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrbS53gKdjb
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYd5rJI7ILi
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaifaijAas8
我活該……我活該……我活該……496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡReyk0Mn6il
496Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrei7bRcHLe
我如此催眠自己。
