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下班回家，淋浴。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiBaXDLQL5
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我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunj7Zenci8
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今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJB2jLgjkr
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ImTha4dVS
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrNpLN0GnS
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「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jwsQfxRUI
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJO0gBtK7QJ
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTG9z0lxmXE
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtsUcQkeZjG
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8ctvSjjqs
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDv2ErS5WSA
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QNQKhgdBu
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8jr8cPvev
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBNtQi2NAt
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUVj9R8XGCE
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZxHSMkklDk
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeuWqf7IwN
啪——啪——529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9zgQwf5Rp
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2WR2ATZ97
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzo7KIdJcOJ
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94aBzmTVl3
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWhZS3Hx5o
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zPynHdPcG
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGUWyqFYq8
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtTTAscX3F
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzEbM5fD4y
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFyJk6oYU9
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dTqnZFyba
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算了吧。沒所謂。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmDVUpVwiVm
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我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ23EsyGNH4d
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoJLwBklh4
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyPi3Mo8do
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwOuJe4OLV
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNHU7uiLLK
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHxslYXcqx
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUhu8Lxn2fo
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIu7GkTqq3K
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsukakJhPNM
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCtlhy5RUq
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFm0hIak8x
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9zj3BUHDwU
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtiBpKikWJf
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa5EFalXHd1
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8dZCenPlk
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKbWVjG1VMP
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxAoRUIJa1
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgd9UmBfEY
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6L7rusyMjn
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0z7EmMcpfg
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOgFI0vXwJ
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQXf1X3PPg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4iDy7Wse9F
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSLdR8oDG6
我頭也不回開門離家。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplpV1EZ2UY
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb69UuTJCgC
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsHZflUYC3
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXE3S82w3Uh
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiASuAKOE01
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3YwqjZBj7
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07IOiDgh7i
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISi1yn2hcN
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvgpGXkBON
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bOoiHOwpi
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ4X2Qf0mce
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhPR5gZxCk
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQjwOMyyvi
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsrkov5n2M
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbjyMwbyuY
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDx3nVg5hhV
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsCF21msyT
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZSBWrJy6w
「你不開心？」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Wn4RmsMvU
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「是的。但與你無關。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDTGW46lZs
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk6eYM4RkgL
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJ9eYqzKWJ
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeVBXDEGJ6
「還有菸嗎？」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnch4ZXfHUz
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfp1fJTxK0
「有。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQXhE8kp2B
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0QaYiFeGU
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAMVSKlGdD
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTp3LgkbVh
「俊仔還好嗎？」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvmttLuaOa
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4RFBf7LXl
「與你無關。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLfdYuKh8f
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0yDprhRhp
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1b4cuM1NcB
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjsshSlDW0
我幽幽一笑。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pgRkdZDV8
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRgzokFZ3d2
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHrJEDLdHe
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfg5ee8h4b5
「多少？我付！」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpDoMM6kwG
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjL4EQ9U8m3
「五萬七千五百元。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseHTE2Zh5g
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsb5R5YISg
「好！沒問題！小意思！」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4cYYqeZq3
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQi6aoTcGZ
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAIG50fDBp
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JqIVAc2Av
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTv2VcvjSel
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSKLOuuCMPK
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA6MTf35atl
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrwMO0M4Ts
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5JfaS51IT
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡulocnpFkBj
「阿顧，對不起。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJZspwkoGl
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYOC7c8uG1
「道歉有屁用！」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsmqkbu1kO
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSj857wnaN
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡef32jLzC2r
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kBvGsdtGb
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9SC84deSl
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNybZU0kzDf
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8B7SWfUBXh
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnGx457MnK
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfA5kSizwq1
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7Byft5DhI
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRN8YTxTUS
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gfbj4bupx
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxv483DCR85
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gvc6SSbNp
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLcwEAqo53Z
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtWXxsMOjNn
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyrmHciAvJ
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJ9FjpdmDq
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkunVbsccjD
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXP8qSadkeh
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHy3lWaK04
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQ1H3We4DU
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8zhEERY2E
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQpyCWHIai
我活該……我活該……我活該……529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3tkiw4ggx
529Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxyY54ylUN
我如此催眠自己。
