I close my eyes with the reality that I actually finished the program and will be going home tomorrow finally sets in. I scoot my chair to my door with a squeak and close the door. I scoot my chair up to my desk, skip a clean page in my journal and begin.
“All the tales of how we as dark skins get bullied and picked on for being different, a shade darker different; some of it is true and some of it is not. True, I have had dark friends who made it in the world, while the others...they chose to let the words of strangers knock them off their focus of what they really wanted for their lives.”
I rub the corners of my mouth, “Don't get me wrong, it is hard to ignore what they are saying, especially if you have never been teased before. If you don't have thick skin, then what those strangers say will hurt you. They feed off that hurt with hopes that they can cut you down deeper than the last time.”
My bottom lip begins to quiver as I continue, “Each and every day, it gets a little harder to ignore that. Each day, you get more and more depressed and your self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth begins to decrease. In some situations, I have lost a lot of good friends that way. They had nowhere to turn or thought they didn't and thought the only way to stop the hurt and the taunts was to kill themselves. A permanent solution to a temporary problem, I have heard said from a lot of wise people.”
My fingers grip harder on the pen and my eyes focus, “Sometimes that 'problem' isn't always temporary. Sometimes it's going to be all around you and sometimes there won't always be a way out.”
I try to steady my trembling hand and push back the tears, “I know this because I have tried to attempt that so many times. I wanted to just throw in the towel and say "Fuck it and fuck everything". I entertained the options...sucking down sleeping pills, hanging myself, and shooting myself, all because of what people thought about me.”
I smirk as I wipe my eyes with my shirt, “I couldn’t take it anymore. And here I sit, talking as if I have the highest self-confidence in the world; sorry, that is wrong. As you can see, I didn't die, because the majority of the time I was not alone like I thought I was. Instead, those suicide attempts landed me a nice, cozy, boring room in Maple Grove Sanatorium for teenagers and young adults.”
I shake as I give a chuckle, “A few weeks into the program, I was popular and teenagers would come to me for advice. I often wondered how I can help them but could not help myself. After being evaluated, within a month, I got transferred into the normal dorms. It was the protocol when the doctors figured a patient was no longer a threat to themselves or the other teenagers.”
“The sanitorium was a last resort for my parents.” I grit my teeth, “my mom had cried, while my dad held it together. Zakia, my younger sister was low key upset and Zadia, my older sister bawled loudly as the doctors hauled me away kicking and screaming. I wonder now if they thought she may needed to be admitted as well. I felt betrayed and angry.”
I shake my head remembering how I felt that day, “they just did this on a whim, not even talking to me about it. They didn't even try to prepare me. They lied to me by telling me that we were finally going to get my driver's license, but instead we turned into this parking lot and BAM! I felt like they were ashamed of me and hiding me to save face. I was already hurting, and now I was angry. But, they didn’t know I felt that way. All they knew was that I was acting out and they didn’t know what else to do.”
My face softens as I relax by leaning back in my chair, “Anyway, tomorrow is going to be an exciting day, because I am set to leave this place tomorrow afternoon. The hurt, anger and confusion no longer is haunting me; and, I can't wait to apply all that I have learned to the real world. I just have to keep that in mind, because, to be honest, I am protected here. When I walk outside these doors is when my real test begins.” I drop my pen and lift my head.
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