The day had gone buy painfully slow with no contact from Jarred, Rickey or Joshua on the situation. I had decided it was best I just carry on with my routine until I got further news. I felt guilty as Hell still, even if I wasn't fully at fault I still felt somewhat to blame.
Matthew was leading the sparing lesson and I had almost let him hit every punch, throw and slice he made at me today. Some of it was because I was distracted, but if I were to be honest with myself it was probably mostly punishment.
I touched my forehead and looked at the blood that stained my fingertips I looked up at Lukas as he held the knife in his hand his eyes black like coal.
"It's unlike you to take so many hits like this. . . are you punishing yourself?"
His face softened as he put his hand out to help me up.
Was it that obvious?
Of course it is, you never let anyone land that many hits.
I thought to myself.
"Something like that. . ." I admitted quietly as I grabbed his hand letting him pull me up as I steadied myself.
"I know we can all tell you this a thousand times but really you shouldn't blame yourself"
Suddenly my vision started to cloud and burn as the blood dripped into my eyes. I wiped it away and suddenly the pressure on my head had been released and I could heal myself. Once my body healed I rolled my shoulders.
“Luna!” Alexander yelled as he entered the room seeing the blood on my face.
“I’m fine Alexander it’s just a scratch, it’s already healed.”
“But-”
“Everything is fine, Matthew and I were sparing as you can see I wasn't on my A game today” I said with a stern voice.
Alexander looked at us and then down at the blade in Matthew's hand.
“Really? with that small of a blade?" he questioned.
I shrugged.
"Like I said. . . not on my A game I guess"
"Maybe I'm getting better" Lukas nudged Alexander giving him a playful grin.
He scoffed.
"Took you long enough"
He smiled shoving him a bit.
"Well, if we're done for the day- I'm going to go up to my room"
"Yeah we can be done, you're the boss lady after all."
He turned around and had started to pick up the broken pieces of wood from the fight as I headed up to my room.
I shut the door and sighed taking my phone out of my pocket and opened my messages. Rickey had texted me.
“Coming over.”
“Shit I gotta get cleaned up. . .” I muttered as I walked into my bathroom I cracked my neck trying to loosen the tension.
I grabbed a washcloth from under the sink and ran it under the warm water soaking it and patted it on my old wound getting the blood off. The wound was healed and a bruise was already quickly fading. I threw the cloth in the trash and walked back into the bedroom trying to hurry.
“Hi gorgeous” I jumped a little and sighed looking at Rickey.
“Jesus Rickey, sorry I was cleaning up. . .”
“You’re fine love.”
He sat down on the floor and I sat beside him looking at him puzzled.
Was he going to bring it up? Did he know I knew what was going on.
He grabbed my hand and gave me a big dorky smile. I laughed a little looking into his saddened blue eyes. He just laid down and sighed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, looking at him now concerned.
You already know you idiot.
“Legs hurt.”
“Why?”
He shrugged.
He was quiet today. . . I know he was somewhat lying, or maybe he just was hiding it. Part of me wanted to be mad, but I'm sure just like me- or maybe this was me being narcistic he blamed me and didn't know how to talk about it.
He broke me out of my thoughts as he leaned over and started kissing my neck. I poked him, trying to bring him back to focus. He just ignored me and moved my hair to one side and pulled me on top of him. I just stared down at him into his empty seeming eyes. He was wearing a dress shirt and a pair of nice jeans meaning he had probably been with Jarred all night. I guess that was somewhat good because they were carrying on with their routine. . . was this how they were going to deal with her loss? Distractions or carrying on with their old routine? He started to pull at my shirt and I poked him again, this time his cheek in attempt to get his full attention this time. He looked at me and tugged on my shirt again.
Did he not have words today? He was so straight forward it was so strange to see him acting in such a manner. . . so reserved. . . so quiet. So empty.
“You’re gonna stretch my shirt out.” I scolded him breaking the silence.
He gently puled it off me without a word and I shook my head.
“Were you seriously gonna jerk off with me right there yesterday?” I tried not to laugh. Trying to remind him of the moment we had the other morning as we tried to take separate showers.
“Yep. . . not like it’s something you haven’t seen.”
He was right, but still was going to mess with him about it. I was going to continue to try and get something out of him today. . . Was it selfish of me? Probably. . . I knew how he could be though, regretfully this might be the only way to get anything out of him.
He looked at my breasts and stayed quiet.
“Eyes up here.” I put my finger under his chin lifting his head up.
He put one of his hands on one of them and pulled me to him and started to make out with me and I gladly let him do it. I bit his bottom lip hard, I licked the sweet blood of his lip as he pulled away and smirked and reached behind me unclipping my lace bra. I shivered at his slight touch, the lack of words he spoke only made it more intense.
Why was I so nervous today?
“You make me so nervous sometimes . . .” I looked up at him touching his face softly.
“How do I make you nervous?” He looked at me confused he dropped his hands.
“No clue. . .” I whispered softly.
He didn't ever really normally, usually I was excited and I was squirming with anticipation. Not this time though. . .
He pulled me to him and whispered to me;
“Don’t cover yourself up. . . I love your body.” I smiled and he started to remove my arms from my chest.
“You better not hurt me this time Mister. . .” I scoffed at him.
He licked his lips and took off his shirt. God he was sexy. No matter how many times I saw him, him stripping was like the first time all over again. Maybe it was his self confidence he always had when he did it, like he was putting on a show.
I glared at him.
“If you don't, Ima bite you. . .”
Though I loved every minute of the aftermath I felt after we had sex, whether it was the slight sting of the bruises that healed. The intense shivers that I felt from the shaking orgasms he had given me. Every bit of it I loved.
He leaned down and kissed one of my breasts.
“Shh. . .”
And I did as he took my pants off and then my black laced thong. He started to undress and then got back on top of me and I stared up into his dark eyes waiting for his next move. This is what I could do for him right now. . . I was okay with that, he had given me my release and safe space whenever I needed it now I could return the favor for once.
He put his hand over my heat and started to rub it slow, but roughly. I bit my lip still looking into his eyes as he quickened his pace feeling his hand slide against me from my wetness, but then suddenly stopped and put his hand up to his mouth and licked it, tasting me. I shivered and whimpered, wanting him to continue. He smirked and fixed himself and slid himself into me slowly wasting no time in getting to the part he really wanted. I tightened around him, sighing with pleasure pushing my hips up to meet his thrust. Suddenly his face turned sad again and what looked to be regret. He quickly pulled out of me and sat up. I looked up at him puzzled.
“Rickey what’s-”
All of a sudden he was crying.
I didn't have to see it, I could hear his small sniffs.
“Shut the fuck up!” he shouted.
My heart sank.
What the actual fuck?
Maybe he did have some bad feelings about me now. . . Maybe he felt somewhat the same way after all.
“Damn. . .” I said quietly.
Why I spoke I don't even know. It just came out, and I instantly regretted it and felt stupid.
He grabbed his briefs and put them on and got up and walked out of our bedroom slamming the door as I sat there shocked for a moment, but quickly shook it off and put my clothes on and ran out after him.
He was gone. . .
☾☾☾
We had been broken up now for a week. Joshua had come home that night explaining that there was nothing of worry for safety within the council. He didn't specify what that meant just assured us that within time we would understand what happened but it wasn't something he wanted to burden us with until the other parties were ready to talk. Jason reassured me this would pass and that Rickey was just being stupid, at least with how he wanted to avoid things.
Rickey did come around though to our surprise. . . He didn't complete avoid us, but he didn't ever linger for long whatever reason it might have been that he left for. I was putting together my meeting paperwork when he came in and hugged me picking him up into his arms.
“Hey” I said softly.
He seemed to have a troubling way of dealing with the change- sometimes he acted as if nothing had changed between us, other times he kept his distance. Every time I saw him however all I wanted to do was be with him like this and kiss him until every part of sadness was gone from him. . .
“Hey. . .” he said back even softer.
I looked at him before I spoke, his eyes looked like he’d been through Hell. . . His hair was kind of a mess, his cologne was faded. Did he even shower today?
“Do you wanna talk about it? I know you know I can see it. . .” I asked softly.
“No.” He paused.
“Can you make me smile?. . . I haven’t done that in a while. . .” his eyes still had that hollow empty look to them. It made me crumble with guilt every fucking time too.
“I can try. . .”
“C’mon. . .” he sounded so . . . desperate.
“Well I haven’t seen you in a while sooooo.” I shoved him a little bit.
He smiled. One of the most genuine smiles from him that seemed like he was honestly happy for the first time since that morning. . .
I poked his cheek and smiled.
I want him better. . . Please be better. . .
I thought to myself.
“I got you to smiiiile.”
He bit my finger softly and smirked.
His eyes still had the same look in them though, even though he was smiling it was still there haunting me.
“Come here, I have to tell you something.”
I looked at him confused, but came closer.
“Hmm?”
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I blushed. It had been so long since I’d felt his touch. Well at least in this way. He was very careful with what he did this past week.
“What was it?” I looked at him trying to refocus the conversation. Or lack there of rather.
He said nothing, he just leaned in and kissed me ever so softly, I didn’t even think about it I just kissed him back like nothing had changed. . . I pulled away looking back at him. He just leaned back and looked back at me.
We can't keep doing this. . . We can't keep doing these circles.
“Why did you kiss me? . . .” I looked him in the eyes as I asked.
“I liked to kiss pretty girls.”
Oh. . . so I was just being used to blow off some steam. Now that I actually knew it, I wasn't sure if I felt the same offering way.
“So does this mean you’re a little cheered up?” I shook it off.
He shrugged.
“A little. . . keep going?” he sat up a little.
“I’ll stay with you all night if I have to Rickey.” I smiled.
And I meant it, I may have been confused of what he actually wanted from this, but I just wanted him to be whole so desperately.
As if he couldn’t be any more weird than he already was he kissed me again. I kissed him back and pulled away quickly pulling on his arm towards the love seat.
“Come here, can’t stand here all night!” He followed and sat on the loveseat with me.
I poked him a few times trying the same method that had worked before.
“Smileee, come on Mr. Stubborn. . .”
He growled at me playfully and I poked his forehead in return. He pounced onto me making me fall back onto the loveseat. He looked down at me.
“I win.”
“No fair!” I tried to push his shoulders. Okay yeah I was barely trying. . .
“Cheater.” I pouted.
He was undoubtedly in a weird mood, I couldn't blame him. I had to keep reminding myself that he wasn't the type of person to deal with grief like most people.
He put his hands on my waist and shook his head letting out a small laugh.
I missed that sound.
“I didn’t cheat.”
“You caught me off guard! So you cheated Sir.”
He ran his hands down me slowly causing me to shiver with need. It didn't matter how long it had been, a week, a day, a few hours. It all felt the same when he gave me this feeling.
“Well next time be on your guard then. . .”
“Oh I’m not gonna lose.”
I pushed him off of me and pushed him so he was on his back as I sat on his stomach.
I smirked. “I win.”
“Then do something for your reward.”
He ran his hands back up slowly before pulling me back down crawling on top of me.
“No!” I pushed him back pushing him faced down plopping myself on his back.
“Now you can’t moveee.” I laughed quietly.
He started to push himself up and I grabbed onto him as he stood up and got off the loveseat carrying me on his back.
“You do know you weigh like 100 pounds right?” he chuckled.
“Yes Sir, and you better not drop me because of that!"
And of course just after I say that he slides me off his back onto the bed.
I sat down making myself comfortable and he sat beside me.
“I wish I wasn’t so short compared to you.” I gave him an irritated look.
He just smiled before he pulled me on top of him and put his hands on my sides.I poked his cheek and tilted my head. Trying to get a good look at his eyes for the hundredth time.
“Why are you so quiet?”
He just shrugged and slid his hands down my sides. I poked his chest hoping to get something out of him. He only smiled and he pulled me down to him and kissed my neck so softly it almost was as if he just breathed on it, but then he moved my hair to the side and nipped it.
“Rickey. . .” I didn’t know what was going on in his head. . . It was frustrating why couldn't he just tell me?
“Whatcha doing? . . .”
He didn’t say anything just went back to kissing my neck and I just laid my head on his shoulder wondering what was wrong. He moved me ever so slightly to kiss lower down my neck leading to my chest.
“Rickey.”
He got to my shirt and looked at me.
“Keep your eyes on my face Sir.”
He pulled on my shirt like a child.
“You’re not gonna give up are you?” I laughed a little, shaking my head.
“Nope. . .”
“And why not?”
“Cause’ I want you. . .”
I shook my head.
“You dumped me, Rickey. . .”
“So. . .” he pulled on my shirt more.
“So we’re not together. . .” I grabbed his hand softly and made him let go of my shirt.
I wanted him don’t get me wrong. I craved him. I craved everything that he was. He was mine, and I was his. We needed to work out whatever this was though.
He looked at me and I looked back at him.
“Please. . .” he begged.
“No.”
I tried to stay stern.
“Please? I’m sad. . .”
My face made a frown and I wanted so badly to give in.
“How would having sex with me make you feel better?”
“Please. . .” he whispered again.
“That’s the only reason you came over isn’t it?” I shook my head.
“No!”
“Why are you yelling?”
He shoved me off of him and got up. I looked at him confused.
“Rickey, stop. . . Just tell me why then, I didn’t mean to make you upset. . . We just need to deal with whatever is happening lately. . .”
I didn’t mean to make him upset. It pained me to see him so miserable, but he did leave me and he wasn’t talking to me. I was selfishly pushing him, but if he wanted things to be back to normal we couldn't just ignore this.
“Sex makes me happy. You know this.” He turned away from me.
“I do know that. . . You said no that wasn’t the reason you wanted to talk and come over. . .then what was the reason?”
“Because I did, I’ll talk to you and stay for a bit after too.”
I sighed.
“That’s not the point.” I admitted.
He started walking away.
I grabbed his hand. He stopped and turned around and looked at me.
“Why is that the only thing that makes you happy?. . . I made you smile without any that. . .”
“So? Fine, I'll take care of it.”
He started to go then stopped and looked back at me and sighed frustratingly.
“Can I fuck you please?”
“No.”
I straighten myself.
I wanted to, believe me I did, but I wasn’t going to deal with him leaving again and ignoring whatever this problem was. I had to do this.
Circles, we're doing circles still.
I muttered in my head.
“Fine! I’ll fuck someone else!” he grabbed his jacket that he had left last time he was here from the chair.
“See! That’s all you wanted! That’s all you ever seem to fucking want from me!”
My heart sunk. Fuck I didn't mean that, I really didn't mean that- I mean sure I knew that's how he wanted to deal with his problems, just fuck them away. Though I didn't mean that's all he ever wanted.
“With you. Fuck you.” He shook his head, putting his jacket on and walked out of the bedroom.
What?. . . Was I wrong? Or was I taking his words wrong? If he just wanted to have sex why propose to me?
“Wait what? Stop!” I yelled out to him as I ran to him, but he didn’t stop. . .
He kept walking.
“I’m lost. . .” I said as I stepped in front of him blocking his path.
“Nice to meet you. I’m horny.” He shoved past me.
I wanted to yell at him for showing up like this but I couldn’t. Not without letting him know I knew everything. Well enough.
“Please don’t be mad. . .I didn’t mean to make you mad. . .”
I felt tears start to sting my eyes.
He started to walk down the stairs as I followed.
“I’m not mad, bye.”
I moved in front of him again putting my hands on his chest. He looked at me.
“What did you mean by with me?”
“I don’t know.” He moved me and kept walking.
I shook my head moving in front of him again.
“Fine you can, if it’d make you happy besides it’s not like I don’t want to have sex with you I just don’t want you avoiding things.”
His eyes looked shocked.
“If you don’t want to then no.”
“Not what I said. . . most of the time you wanted nothing to do with me afterwards. . . Rickey something is wrong I can see that please. . .” I begged.
“I will stay this time. . .”
He pulled me close to him.
“I promise. . .” He whispered and I believed him.
I looked up into his eyes and smiled a little. He grabbed my hands ever so gently.
“You’re beautiful.”
He said softly. I knew he was buttering me up again. Honestly a nice ego stroke after that wasn't something I was going to turn down.
I buried my face in his chest, I just wanted to be close to him again. I blushed feeling his warmth and I took a deep breath smelling all of him. I couldn't pretend that this week 'apart' didn't effect me because it did. I craved just having him back though more than I cared about my feelings.
“But you're right, I can’t do this right now. . .” he said even softer.
What?
Before I could speak he was gone and the door shut.
"We need to talk. . . I think you have to stop hiding things"
My head snapped towards Jarred's voice as I looked at the top of the stairs to him looking down at me with his arms crossed.
"I don't know what you're talking about" I huffed.
"Right, because you wouldn't be informed that one of your members is dead, lets try this again"
He was suddenly in front of him.
He eyes looked a mixture of angry and sad. Neither feeling I could blame him for.
"I'm sorry-"
"Yeah, you sending Joshua says all that" he shook his head.
Great, now my brother in law hated me too.
"I'm sorry. . . I'm thankful, it was smart thinking. . . and I know he wanted to do it for me too, you don't need to feel the blame of all this."
He walked over to the bench by the door and sat down folding his hands between his legs.
"I was the stupid one who wanted to take her damn virginity, kept messing around with her when I selfishly wanted something. . ." he continued.
"Yes, but I accepted her into my council."
He laughed.
"So what? You have plenty of members, lets be honest remember? You wouldn't feel this kind of guilt I know you're feeling if it weren't for the fact you know that two people close to you were effected by this and you are connected."
He knew, he saw through it all. I shouldn't have been surprised after all.
"Joshua told me it wasn't his place to tell me what happened. . . he said he could assure me that no security was harmed, but the rest I would have to find out from you and Rickey"
I sighed.
He smiled.
"Well, least I know he and I can have some things . . ."
His face turned serious again.
"She told me. . ."
He let out.
"She told you what?"
He looked up at me this time and looked me right in the eyes.
"She mentioned the council to me. I'm the reason she died."
Fuck. This wasn't an answer I wanted. . .
"She was being all weird, and sad and depressed and whatever wanting a guy- I said she was being stupid and picky. . . then she confessed she was frantic about it all because of how the council made choices. . . she must have said to many details"
He paused his voice starting to get shaky and he looked away.
"So she started seizing and panicking. . . Rickey was in the kitchen making food meanwhile, she managed to choke out what was happening and he was gone before I could stop him"
I didn't say a word. I did as Joshua asked. I just listened. . .
"When he came back. . . she was gone. . ."
He coughed trying to clearly shake off some form of crying and he looked back up giving a fake strong look.
"I'm sorry. . . I'm sorry I-"
"Don't, you accepted her into it that's true, but you didn't tell me and break the promise, you didn't force her. Hell, even I'm not really the reason why she's dead I have to admit it really was all on her."
He leaned back into the bench.
"She made her choice, whether it was because she didn't believe or she was stupid and wanted us to be close again, she always loved me- stupidly I will admit."
He shook his head.
"She was one of the more innocent ones I went after. . . Seirra has done a pretty damn good job reminding me extra of that as of late" he chuckled.
"Well . . . thank you for telling me, I know it's not easy, and if you want to talk about it ever. . ." I trailed off.
"I'll be okay, I promise. Don't worry about me, I can handle her don't worry wouldn't be the first time she's kicked my ass for something"
He gave me a smile.
"There's something else. . ."
He paused and I looked at him confused.
"I did. . . I did blame you once upon a time for what happened to Vera and I. It was part of the reason I was so. . . avoidant of you, I realize that was wrong of me now."
His eyes turned guilty looking as if he were looking for his own salvation.
I nodded.
"I don't ever blame you for feeling that way, I still feel bad."
He shook his head though.
"No, I don't want you to- you shouldn't. That's what you need to know, stop feeling bad for other people's bad choices that yes involve you to some degree but it isn't really your fault."
I sighed.
He was right. Sure, I played a part in it all, but I forced no one's hand. . .
ns 15.158.61.48da2
