Taylor's POV
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I'm drifting in and out of sleep, I can feel Matty's strong arms around me as he dozes heavily next to me. Pressed up against his neck and chest, I breathe him in and kiss him lightly. He's still asleep, unmoving. I touch his shoulders, working them with my hands and trying to get all of the tension out of them. He sighs and it makes me laugh. I move on to the middle of his back and lastly his lower back, I can tell he loves a back rub already. I will give him a proper one soon.
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"Just another thing you're really good at" he chuckles sleepily.
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"Shh" I whisper.
"You can stay asleep" I reassure him and he holds onto me. A small smile before he drifts back off.
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At eighteen you're supposed to buy cars and go to parties and drink alcohol. You don't wake up gazing into your boyfriend's angelic face and think I could have just conceived his baby. Stroking his face, I smile at him briefly. How can I take his life away from him? Should I even have conceived a baby, how can I possibly tie him down to me for the rest of his days.
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I gaze at him sleeping again next to me. His dark lashes, flawless skin and his ruffled dark hair. How could I not be hopelessly in love with him? How could I not envision our little babies with their brunette curls and olive skin. And my blue eyes.
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Babies are not something I've really thought about ever in my life. I always assumed I would have a baby someday, when I was grown up. But it certainly wasn't my plan to get pregnant at eighteen. This is assuming I have indeed conceived from our one time of unprotected sex, it's a possibility that may not have even been set into motion.
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I'm almost positive that babies are not something Matthew ever thought about and I can't help but think him incredibly mature and honourable for saying what he said. For standing by me, this would have huge implications for his life and future and I feel so much respect for him for being so open.
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I collect in my head all of the things I know about being a parent and being a mother to anyone and come up completely blank. At this stage in my life there's not the capacity for me to fulfil that role. I damn the stars for presenting me with this opportunity when I am unable to fulfil that potential. Ten years time, maybe that's an opportunity I can seize but now I think the answer is clear.
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Looking down at his hands holding me by my waist, pulling me into him. I romanticise what a child of his would look like, with his dark curly hair. I imagine him holding onto me whilst I'm pregnant. All of the imagery that comes into my head is lovely and completely a dream. I push the images away from myself distancing myself from everything, welcoming in clarity.
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Reaching for my phone from the side, Matty protests but I tell him I'm coming back. I face him again and check my phone. Alarmed that I have messages from two other guys. Ross and Tom. How did I become so popular?
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Hey Taylor, I'm just checking everything's okay with you. Would be nice to meet up even just for a drink sometime. Let me know, I miss you. If not I'll be at the fancy dress. Ross xxx
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I never really saw myself as callous, but I ignore his message. There is just too much going on in my head for me to construct a reply that hits the right tone with him. It’s not easy between us now; I’m in a relationship. Matthew and I haven’t discussed whether we are being open about our relationship status or not. Toms message I will not even entertain. Not going to happen. I put the phone back. Ignoring the world.
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"Good morning" Matthew says smiling at me. I can't help but smile back at him and kiss him.
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"Good morning, I could get used to waking up to you" I tell him.
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"Me too baby" he chuckles.
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"You want to go get breakfast, pancakes I mean" he says finally opening his eyes.
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"Mmm that's an offer I cannot refuse at all" I say to him.
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He pulls me in, hands on my waist under his T-shirt that I'm wearing. He's staring into my eyes, rubbing my back and moving his hands over my belly. He has never touched me there before. I smile back at him.
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"Have you thought anymore about the clinic" I ask him, I must be direct with him.
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"I'm with you all the way whatever you decide" he says simply stroking me over and over. I kiss him deeply, he gives me his all back.
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Eventually begrudgingly we leave his bed. I pull on a pair of shorts from my duffle and he comments that I should take space up in the drawers and the wardrobe. I give him the eye and he laughs slightly shocked at his own admission. We are snowboarding through these relationship milestones aren’t we?
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"That shirt suits you" I tell him as he swings a khaki t-shirt over his head.
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"It will all be okay Taylor." He tells me looking into my eyes as I sit on the side of the bed.
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"I'm sorry this is my fault for putting you through this" he says softly as I gaze up at him.
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"This is not on you Matthew" I explain softly and he pulls me up.
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"It's my job to make sure that you are always safe" he explains.
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"So now" he smiles softly.
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"I'm going to take you for pancakes and do just that" he says softly.
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Grabbing his car keys we head out for breakfast. He clasps his hand around mine as we walk to the car.
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