Matty's POV
🎧Bon iver / Taylor swift - exile
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I always thought that guys who watched girls sleep were weird and creepy and obsessive. I always heard Ryan talk about a girl he was seeing like she was the centre of his world rather than just a bit of fun. It always made me feel so deeply inadequate, I couldn't possess the same loyalty or depth of feelings. At that time I thought maybe there was something wrong with me.
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As I lay watching Taylor sleep softly against me, Her brunette curls wrapped around my hand as I'm stroking her soft hair I can see exactly what Ryan meant the entire time. Asleep she looks delicate and peaceful. Her cheeks a faint shade of pink contrasting with her dark lashes. I think about the guy I was before I met her and I feel so distant from him. I don't remember the last time I stayed at home for any length of time yet here I am. With her, and nobody else and beyond happy to have her to myself.
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I love you are words I didn't think I would say to a girl. Yet with Taylor I’ve felt no resistance saying them. I can’t imagine not thinking about her. I’m changing beyond belief in front of myself and that means something.
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At times it's completely unnerving to realise I have no control over her in the way I normally would. I am so used to having the upper hand in any encounters with women, I control what happens. But because I can't control how I feel about her, I can't control her either.
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It's terrifies me that when I realised she could have conceived a child, my child, apart from the initial shock I came around to the idea. I feel like I'm questioning my sanity continually in the name of being in love with her.
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And now I’ve found understanding and perspective on all the times where women have called me names, telling me I'm playing with their emotions or their sanity. I make a deal with myself to try and rectify the relationships I have ruined. And the people I have let down. I will not be able to make up for some of the pain, but I will try to reconcile what I can.
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There's a plethora of reasons why this party is not a good idea. It is not a good move for me, bragging to my mates and showing her off doesn’t appeal to me. I know that she wants to go and that she's already planned her outfit and that means a lot to girls. So I will take her. Yet again powerlessly, I can't really control the situation how I normally would.
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My friends specifically Jay, remind me of who I was. They know all of the bad stuff about me. All of the dirt on me; they have it. All of my hideous secrets.
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Jay and I used to talk about girls when we were far too young to even have girlfriends. Before he grew up and became monstrous, he dreamt about having a girl like Taylor. Nice and kind. Respectable and superficially a girl that looks exactly like Taylor.
She's everybody's type and that's the other issue, all of my friends want her. She is beautiful with no idea that she is, she's classy. She will look unbelievable and I will have to fend off Ross at every chance he gets to be with her. I haven't decided how to deal with that one yet. Romantic as he is, she likes him.
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I decide I won’t be able to step on his toes too much, I must keep Ross on side. I can't afford not to or he will out my dirty little secrets to get to her. Especially if he believes that's the right thing for him to do. He usually follows through when he feels he is justified to do so. At the back of my mind it's worrying me. I'm completely consumed living in the moment with her but there's a part of my subconscious telling me that she will realise who I am. My own mind telling me I'm a joke for thinking this won't all catch up to me and bite me like a huge slice of karma. I can’t help but think that if I keep her here with me all of the outcomes can change for us.
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Eventually I drift off to sleep with Taylor in my arms thoughts consuming my dreams.
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***
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"Matty!" Rachel yells at me.
We're literally in the middle of Ross' house everybody around us, I was dreading her turning up to be honest. God she does not stop, she practically begs me to sleep with her, I follow through and then what does she expect? She expects me to be hers forever. At seventeen years old, I'm not ready for commitment not now and not ever to be honest. More trouble than it's worth if you ask me.
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I turn to face her, it's pathetic really and I feel sorry for her. I thought I was clear on the whole thing, not sure what she's expecting from me right now. My subconscious is telling me to handle this situation better, but my drunk mind is clearly not listening to the other guy. The sensible and reasonable one.
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"Please just can we talk, like I swear I'm not going to get mad or crazy about this whole thing" she says. Hands in the air, she looks overwrought.
She's actually pleading with me right now. This could be interesting. Jay laughs next to me. His perfect teeth gleaming. He's at least a head over me in height. He's just as tanned as me but with golden hair cut shorter than Ross'. I always thought he has all the charm and looks of Ross but none of the common decency.
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"Hold my beer" I tell him. Smiling at him jovially.
I follow her out, at least that gets us out of the way of everybody where she clearly thought it would be great to make a scene. I took my shirt off earlier and I'm just wearing my leather jacket. I've pushed my hair back and rolled a cigarette to take out with me.
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I light up, lean against Ross' decking and I just wait for her explanation. Then I'll deal with her accordingly, should be easy.
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"So I see you've moved on" she glances my way.
Oh Lord moved on from what I want to say. Nothing happened between us, we literally had sex a few times. Maximum five times that is all.
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"Not even going to reply I see, that's mature" she says mascara dripping down her face from her crying. She's actually a mess right now. Not her best look.
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"Would you please get to the point you're ruining my buzz right now" I reply.
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"Who is she anyways do you even know her?" She demands. Looking towards Ross' place where I was just with some girl. I don’t even need to know her name. I'm not proud of myself to be fair. I however have learned that I’m not capable of anything else really. I can't feel for others, like most girls who seem to fall for me within minutes of meeting me.
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"Do you need to know? And don't judge me you would go with anyone that looks your way" I tell her. Yes I'm being vicious, I need to start taking charge and leading this conversation to its end rather than just reacting to her. My mind is telling me to just shut up, not worth my time. I need to wrap this up. Now.
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"Clearly" she laughs eyeing me disdainfully.
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"I did not hear you telling me no" I laugh back.
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"Yeah about that, I think I kind of forgot my pill the next day. And the whole getting drunk and sick makes the emergency one ineffective apparently. So I'm a bit nervous Matty" she blots her eyes.
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This is not happening right now. Who just forgets, it's so important for fucks sake. I didn't even know she had been sick that night before we had sex. She's always drinking I just assumed that she could hold her shit down. Clearly not. She was the one blagging about being on the contraceptive pill. Would help if she actually took it.
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I get out my phone. She's exasperated. And she's making me feel pretty exasperated too with the mopey expression on her face.
"Talking about last night right?" I tell her.
I do not want to be trapped by this one for the rest of my life.
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"Yes I took it yesterday, we were all drinking and shots and that. I was sick about 3 times. Then I felt fine so I just kept drinking" she says.
Classy. I'm googling my options on a healthcare website.
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"Then I had sex with you" I almost shout.
“I had a condom. But you said no I'm on the pill" I tell her.
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"Then when I woke up the next morning I realised I didn't have my pills because we were at Ryan's" she says softly crying.
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"You had left so I couldn't ask you, I spoke to Ryan's mum and she told me to go to the clinic." She says wiping her eyes.
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"So did you?" I ask hopefully looking up from my phone.
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"No" she replies. She’s exasperating. I distance myself from her.
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"Why the hell not" I ask. I mean I'm so beyond this conversation, that was solid advice. Ryan's mum is a nurse.
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"Because I'm not sure if anything would have happened. Anyways what are the odds but I thought you ought to know" she says crying again.
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"Well if there's no reason to worry, why are you going on at me" I say rolling another cigarette.
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"Matty no it's not that, stop being a stuck up asshole. I wanted to know if you think we need to be worried and what you would like to do about it all" she says imploring me.
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"Look how would I know, you told me you were on the pill I assumed that meant you took it at least" I tell her, I'm getting ready to ditch this conversation when Ross appears.
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"What's up Rach" he says concern evident on his face. He lounges on the side of the porch and I eye him quickly.
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"Me and Matty were just discussing that he might have gotten me pregnant last night and he doesn't seem to give a shit" she says with venom and then she bursts into tears.
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"That's total bullshit. She told me she was on the pill. Then she didn't take it" I say feeling cornered and pissed off.
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"Look Rach I had a condom and you literally said no, I'm protected" I tell her.
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"Yeah but I didn't realise being sick stops it from working" she argues with me.
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"Look it says here" I say agitated, pointing to my phone.
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“The morning after pill can prevent pregnancy from unprotected sex, if you're worried maybe give that a shot" I rage and she cries.
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She looks at me and my phone, it's clear to me that she knows this already she's not a great liar. She's probably had the morning after pill already. This is all a scheme for my attention.
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"I literally said to you we were just fucking, you told me the pill was better than condoms. Even though I offered to suit up, what else do you want me to say?" I ask her and she sobs, Ross puts his arms around her.
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“Matty calm your shit down” Ross says and I laugh.
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“What you think I’m going to get with you and have babies with you. Jesus” I say ignoring him and shouting exasperated.
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"If you've taken it already which I'm assuming you have then I don't see the problem here" I tell her, she's definitely had emergency contraception. She cannot lie to me. I don't like lying or games. She just wanted some drama and to see if I would fall into her arms, I don't want her anymore and I leave.
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“Hey Matthew” he says to me, anger behind his tone. I’m an aggravated bear at the moment that cannot see reason.
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“Don’t be a dick man” he says imploring me.
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“Rachel I will sort this” he explains to her and she smiles at him weakly.
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I leave them and Ross takes care of the situation. He's great at taking care of things I think to myself. Maybe one day I will be like that, I laugh. I go and find Jay again who's finished off my beer and moved in on nameless girl, fucking Rach and her drama.
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