Taylor's POV
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Clasping my hand in my pocket I feel for the small ring box, velvet that is soft. The holder of my future before Jay. Pushing it further down and deeper into my wool coat, I remove my hand and hold onto my handbag as I approach Jay. Leaning on the side of the Audi as he eyes my approach.
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"You look wonderful" he whispers as I set my arms around him.
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"You look like a model" I scoff looking into his eyes. Pulling my head back I notice that Matthew is waiting by his four by four and I exhale. I had discussed with Jay after psychology that Matthew and I would be clearing the air tonight. Considering the direction my relationship with Jay is heading in I have decided that clearer boundaries and giving Matthew a sense of finality is necessary.
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"I promise I'll message you, but I need to do this. I need to explain. I need to get it out and tell him all of the stuff I messed up on during our relationship" I say softly looking into his eyes as he nods.
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"I understand, Taylor. I love you and I'll come by and pick you up when you're done" he whispers before kissing me with a sense of urgency, so much so that I don't want to leave him at all. I stroke his face briefly before I cross the lot and walk my way over to Matthew, the first love of my life. His ring in my pocket where it's sat all day long. It's not mine to keep anymore I've decided.
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"Ready" he says embracing me instantly, sure that he's looking over my shoulder at Jay I sigh and walk around to the passenger side of the car.
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"Yes" I say slightly stilted pulling the car door open and climbing in as he gets in the drivers side. As much as I don't want Matthew to hate me or to look at me differently, I must have this conversation with him. For so many reasons but most because I am becoming somebody. Somebody that owns up to her shortcomings and somebody who cares about telling the truth and trying to absolve herself from the bad things that she has done.
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He drives off like he always would. I look over at him when we're on the road and I see the man he always was to me. And even though we outgrew each other we definitely shared a space and time together that I will never forget but instead forever cherish.
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"What's brought this on" he says softly glancing at me, catching me watching him.
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"I was thinking about what you said at the party when we were dancing." I say feeling my throat close up at the pain I'm going to see in his eyes.
My mind protests leaving him again in pain, shouting oh Matthew, please don't read between the lines here because then I will get wrapped up in your soft green eyes and I will just go along with keeping you selfishly for myself.
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"And I decided that I needed to talk with you. To tell you about everything. To give you some clarification at least" I tell him softly before looking at the exit that I know he will take leading us to the suburbs.
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"Taylor" He smiles and my skin has goosebumps.
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"Yes Matthew" I smile back at him as he rubs my thigh just once.
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"You don't owe me anything" he whispers.
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"Oh but I do" I say as he rests one hand on my thigh and another on the wheel.
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As soon as we get close to the house I begin to feel the nostalgia. Day in, day out of sitting with him journeying here floods back to me. The little place we called home, still exists in his world. The large oak outside and the driveway we used to clear of snow. The small white wooden porch and the woods just behind the yard.
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"Not all that different is it" he smiles opening up the front door and for a brief moment I imagine him carrying me up the stairs like he used to before I gulp slightly and attempt to clear my mind.
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Passing the wooden staircase I proceed through to the living room deciding that the kitchen especially holds the most memories for me. I eye the fireplace, the mantelpiece holding pictures of us and our friends. The large exposed brick wall and the window looking out over the dense woods.
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"I'll start the fire, you look at the takeaway menus" he smiles brushing my back just once.
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"I already know which one" I tell him as he sets up the logs.
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"The Chinese?" He laughs pushing his hair back reminding me of how we used to order from the same place every time, sometimes I would deliberate for almost an hour about where to buy food and then eventually give in and opt for the Chinese.
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"How did you guess" I laugh almost sarcastically before ordering for us. His back to me as I place my wool coat on the side retrieving the ring box from the pocket and standing waiting for him to turn around.
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Casually he spins to face me with a smile he looks at my burgundy top and skirt and approaches me, wrapping one arm around my waist before I show him the small box and realisation dawns on him.
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"It was beautiful and it doesn't belong to me anymore" I tell him softly as he bends his head to look into my eyes.
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"Taylor that is yours. I will not take it back" he whispers looking down at the box that contains my engagement ring and eternity ring. Glistening diamonds and sapphires all symbols of our love for one another.
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He guides me over to the sofa and I set the box down on the table. Taking his usual space next to me on the sofa as he eyes the box quickly before settling his gaze onto me.
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"So when I left I always meant to come back myself and just talk through everything. And I realise that that is something I didn't actually do. Because when I did leave it all just unfolded. And it's not fair that after all of that time we shared and all of the things we endured that I just didn't even speak with you properly" I start crossing my legs over as he rests one hand on my thigh. I look down into my lap, bracing myself for his disappointment.
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"Matthew you meant the world to me, nothing that happened between us was false. Everything we shared was special and meant something to me" I explain and his eyes gleam. He pulls me closer and I touch his face lightly with my fingertips. Silently he watches me intoxicated by our closeness, before I sigh and remove my hand as moisture forms in my eyes and I cry. Matthew delicately lifts my face to his again and strokes my cheek with his fingertips.
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"You do not have to do this Taylor, whatever it is. It doesn't matter." He whispers softly his other hand rested on my hip bone.
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"It does because you are so worth it Matthew." I explain wiping my eyes.
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"You treated me impeccably. You made me feel so perfect and wonderful and I want you to have that again" I whisper to him as he nods stroking my face with his hands. I'm almost positive that he's going to kiss me as he closes the distance further between us and I open my mouth to speak.
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"With somebody special" I whisper as his face assesses mine temporarily frozen.
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"That's not your choice to make Taylor. Whether I love you or not cannot be changed by you. Do you see what I mean ?" He whispers placing his lips on my cheek and kissing me just once before I pull away.
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"I will not tell a soul" he whispers whilst his hand moves down my waist grasping onto my hip as I melt and he smiles pulling my face closer to his again. His lips achingly close to my neck as the door knocks and he sighs standing and heading out of the living space. Through the oak doorway and into the hall as I stare into the fire and pull myself together. Spying our scan picture in an elaborate gold frame on the mantelpiece almost brings me to tears as I stare at the twins that once grew inside of me. How his hands would rub my waist, how he looked upon me as though I was his world.
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"Let's eat then talk" he says bringing the food through and smiling down at me curled up on his sofa.
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"Deal" I manage as he settles back into me, his physical contact is too much considering that I should be setting boundaries. However we eat comfortably together falling back into our old roles in each other's lives almost seamlessly. Leaving the discarded polystyrene boxes on the side he pulls me close to him again. Gazing down at his black Levi's and khaki shirt I decide that I need to admit to everything. To break his delusions of me and make him hate me. Instead of cuddling him on the sofa.
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"So when we were together obviously there are a few things I told you about. Ross telling me he loves me, Ross trying to kiss me." I begin hating myself already even though he only pulls me closer.
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"And really as a person in an exclusive relationship it was my duty to make sure that I made it clear to him that I wasn't available. I'm saying that because I feel that maybe I took advantage of your laid back attitude and I should have come clean at the time. Ross kissed me, a whole number of times. I brushed it off because I felt that I belonged with you. Ross held me, he told me he loved me. I didn't push him away. I am not the perfect girl that you had in your mind. Okay?" I begin crying again as he shakes his head, smiling at me almost as he brushes away my tears.
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"You gave me everything, absolutely everything I could ever have wanted and I'm sorry but I was not worthy of that devotion" I say blubbering.
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"No this isn't about me, or me getting comfort from you, this is my fault. You should be shouting at me and hating me, Matthew" I tell him looking at him as he searches my eyes. I place the necessary physical distance between us, sitting up on the sofa and away from his chest.
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"Taylor I'm so in love with you. Nothing you can tell me will change that. It's literally not possible for me to hate you" He says looking into my eyes, I decide telling him everything is necessary. Absolutely everything.
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"That's just Ross. I told you that Jay was pursuing me, I told you he kissed me at the party when we were high. At Ryan's when the weed was laced. But I didn't tell you that after that I let him kiss me again, at his house when we were studying. In his kitchen he got me alone and I didn't resist him. We miscarried the following day. And I can blame that all I want for not telling you, but the truth is I was being a coward, I didn't want to tell you." I say looking at him and he goes still, utterly unmoving as he watches me.
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"So I didn't treat you correctly. I wasn't honest and I am a lousy excuse for a girlfriend. I loved you. I did love you but that isn't enough and it does not excuse my behaviour. I am truly sorry for the lies and the deception. You were right about me, you kept mentioning Jay and I could tell it was all unraveling for me. So I ran from the whole thing. And it was not my intention to involve myself in another relationship, I did just want space" I blurt out as he watches me keenly.
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"I need you" he says softly looking into my eyes as he pulls my face to his and strokes my hair back.
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"I need you, Taylor. I'm not idiotic, I love you in spite of everything. I knew of course, I knew that they were both hitting on you constantly. I'd like to think at the time that you wouldn't do anything but then they kept hitting on you and I realised there must be something more to it. Otherwise they would get bored right? I just wanted you to be honest with me, to tell me why. And I understood that you needed that space but I hoped that you would decide I was your choice and that you needed me too" he explains.
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"So no I don't hate you, sorry." Matthew declares his hands running down my back briefly as I shake my head in disbelief.
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"But Matty you have to understand" I begin softly.
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"Oh I do Taylor, I've been there and lived it. And I was still ready to be the father of your children despite all of it" he says softly brushing away my tears.
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"I think what you need to consider here is, that despite everything I would never ever tell you no. Where is your loyalty then best spent ?" He asks watching me seductively.
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"I'm assuming that because of the way you care about what I think, because of how you react to me. And moreover because you will not be alone with me anymore that your feelings albeit maybe diminished have not left you entirely" he whispers.
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With his hands clasped around my head he strokes my cheek with his fingertips and I think of ways to deny him. I have chosen and I must make this clear to him.
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"Taylor if I play, if I show you still how much I love you is that enough? Will that at least make you think about what we had." He asks me softly angling his face to kiss me.
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"I need to text Jay to pick me up" I tell him softly as he shakes his head. A small smile as he looks down at me on his sofa that was once ours.
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"I'm not going to do anything, I promise just stay a bit longer" he whispers lighting up a funny cigarette and staring at me. Matthew leans back like he used to before handing me the cigarette.
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"While we're here being honest with one another. It's important to me that I tell you exactly how I feel" he explains and I rest slightly back as he hands me the spliff. I take it watching him as he smiles.
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"Since we're being honest with one another I would like to tell you how I feel about you and this whole mess, okay ?" He says softly as I inhale.
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"Now you're not going to deny me that right, seen as I can tell you're all in your head making decisions quickly and trying to push me out of your life" he smiles at me, it's undeniable that he is trying to charm me and so I look away from his eyes.
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"I couldn't have ever imagined my luck the day you trusted me again, after everything with Jen oh and Jay by the way. They both stirred the pot continually. And yes my decisions were my own. I did say some stupid shit. But that day when I felt you truly trusted me and looked at me again with nothing but excitement and love for us and for our future, there's not ever a day I don't wake up wanting you to look at me like that again. That I don't think about you and how it felt to hold you and kiss you and call you mine" he says softly.
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"We both did silly stuff, let's just call it quits. You forgave me and now I forgive you. There's nothing stopping us now" he whispers pulling my face to his before he brushes his lips over my cheek.
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"How am I ever going to get you to hate me?" I say looking into his eyes.
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"I told you it's not possible." He says smirking looking in both of my eyes as he chuckles.
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"We should have had this talk way before I let everything happen between us. I am as much to blame as you. You are the perfect girl that I fell in love with and sometimes things happen between people. I'd like to think that all of the things that happened between us, good and bad, shaped us and made us. It's our decisions now that determine what is yet to come" he says and the spliff is gone so he puts it in the ashtray before holding me into his chest.
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"Now however don't worry about it. I'm glad we cleared the air, I actually feel better about it all" he whispers as I listen to his heart through his chest. The familiar pattern of its beating, and his soft breathing which almost makes me drift off to sleep. His hands playing with my hair as I tell myself I must leave imminently before I kiss him.
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"I love you" he whispers in my ear.
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"I love you so much and one day Taylor we'll make all of this right again" he whispers helping me to stand up before him. The fire warming up my back as he gazes up at me. Sitting up his eyes travel over me whilst he bites his lips. And for a split second my resolve falters as I almost ruffle his hair like I used too. Pulling my gaze away from his and halting myself from any further hugging I hear a tap on the door that makes me jump as he laughs slightly pushing his hair back.
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"I guess we only get an hour alone" he sighs heading towards the door as I slip my boots back on wiping my face and pulling my wool coat back on. I hesitate before taking the ring box and placing it back in my coat pocket, holding onto it tightly and wiping my eyes unable to let go of him. Emerging from the living room with a small smile plastered on my lips, I watch as Matthew speaks with Jay like they normally would.
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Jay eyes me the second he sees me. Assessing whether I am okay. Concern shadows his face and I give him a reassuring smile before glancing at Matthew.
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"I'll see you tomorrow" I say to Matthew, knowing that when he returns to his living room he will find the ring gone from the table and realise that I am still holding onto a part of our lives. I haven’t kissed him and I have chosen Jay over him however hugging him and letting him draw conclusions from my actions is giving him false hope as he smiles at me leaning on his door. Nodding to Jay which I've learnt is the guy way of saying goodbye. I head back to my life with Jay the ring box still in my coat pocket, not totally sure I managed to achieve exactly what I set out to do.
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