Jay's POV
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Taylor’s asleep. We used the new BBQ and cracked open a bottle of champagne. Taylor decided we should use the hot tub. Taylor knows how to live. She brings me to life, reignites the spark in my flame, and I can't stop looking at her.
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Laying down next to me, the way her hair glides down her back. She's tucked into my chest, her arms circling me.
I used to feel like I was missing something, like somebody incapable of feeling. I felt inadequate to guys like Ross, who could just fall for girls. Guys who could talk about their relationships as if it was something real and tangible. I told myself I enjoyed the distance in all of my relationships. And that I needed the control or the upper hand. Really I was fooling myself.
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With her though, it's a fine balance. I have my control and she has hers. Both equal parts moving in synchronicity with each other.
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I sweep her hair off of her shoulder and sigh, unbelieving. Thinking of the nights that I would sit and think about her being in anybody's arms but mine. Thinking about how much I was already in love with somebody who was not mine to love.
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"Jay" she sighs in her sleep and I smile down at her.
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"Taylor" I whisper, Im selfish I want her to wake up. I want to kiss her and share my elation in this moment with her. She is everything to me.
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"Mmm" she sighs and I kiss her, I can't help it when she sounds like that.
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"Can you kiss me again" she says sweetly. I gaze down at her lips and lower over her chest. I lower my lips to hers and kiss her slowly.
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"Better?" I ask quietly.
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"Much" she sighs sleepily as I stroke her hair until she relaxes back into her sleep.
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"I love you" I whisper when she's drifted off.
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It's far fetched, in fact it would very much be a miracle if she had conceived my child already. I read up on the pill, and it takes time for it to be ineffective, sometimes months. I move my hands down over her waist. Placing them over her tummy, and holding her there. She sighs and her hands rub my back lightly. She's semiconscious, she knows what I'm doing. She leans into me.
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I've never ever had this instinct before. To hold a girl like this. Or to even ponder the idea of her carrying my future. I briefly imagine what she would look like, her belly popped. I would kiss her and rub her back, feeling our child kicking at my hands as I hold onto her tummy.
Our child would be beautiful, I know all children are supposed to be considered beautiful but our child would be something special.
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I rub her delicately and move my hands up again and around her waist. I pull her in and smile as she kisses my chest and sighs 'goodnight baby'. I fall into a deep sleep with her.
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***Flashback***
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"Jay" she cries.
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I'm semiconscious, I can hear the gulls and I know I'm at the lake house. I wriggle in my duvet and pull myself to facing the sound of the voice desperately trying to wake me. Pulling me out of my dreams.
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"Jay my darling. We have to go the hospital. Now" she's saying but I cannot compute. Why? Why must we go to the hospital now? Everything is just fine.
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I squint my eyes open to see my mums face, except she is stricken with sadness. Her eyes are puffy and she's not her normal self.
"Mum" I begin in a soft voice.
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"Jay it's okay. We are going to be just fine" she explains when she sees my alarm. The edge taken out of her voice momentarily.
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"I need you to stay at home today, your uncle will be here and you can go fishing" she explains plastering a false smile over her sad face.
I don't want to go fishing, I want to know what's going on at the hospital.
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Her breath hitches slightly as she stands up delicately clutching onto her waist. Mum has a baby in her tummy that she's looking after. She has been taking vitamins and eating correctly and hasn't so much as touched a drop of wine since she told me I was getting a little brother or sister.
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She stares at me for a brief second before collecting herself and heading for the door.
"I'll see you later and I'll make us lasagne, your favourite" she says and then she ducks out of my room.
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Eventually when I wake up again, I head downstairs and see Ella at the kitchen table. Ella is my age, we shared a tenth birthday party last year and we are close. Ella is eating Cheerios and I join her getting my own bowl. Ella's dad is my mums older brother. She really is the closest thing I have to a sibling and our small families go on holidays together. We went skiing last year in the alps.
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"Fishing today Jay, it's lovely weather for it" my uncle says. He is glancing out at the lake eager to go.
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"Where's Mum" I ask directly. He sighs looking at me then smiles.
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"You know where they are boy, she told you before she left" he smiles and comes over to me ruffling my hair. He always makes light of things yet he always cares deeply.
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"They're at the hospital. They needed to have a check up. Now today, we're going fishing together to catch dinner" he smiles and he never lies. He doesn't treat me like a child and I like him.
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Satisfied I finish my cereal and Ella and I both run to get our coats and boots on. I beat her every time because I'm faster and girls shoes take longer to put on. I hold the door open for her to leave first and she skips out. We run down the walkway to the boat with uncle Thomas shouting after us to slow down whilst laughing his low throaty chuckle.
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"Jay I'm going to catch more than you this time" she grins at me.
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"I'm up for the challenge, but little ones don't count" I smile.
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"Right everybody in the boat" Uncle Thomas says laughing.
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We jump in rocking the boat slightly.
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"I said in the boat not sink the boat" he chortles. I often wonder what it would have been like to have a dad like him.
Somebody who is practical, a man that gets his hands dirty and doesn't wear a business suit all the time. Unlike my dad, who is a professional, a business man. When we took my dad fishing he wore a sweater and jeans and it's the only time I hadn't seen him in a shirt and tie. Although he did wear his normal white shirt under his sweater, a token of himself that he just couldn't let go.
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We set off confidently, across the water under the control of our uncle. When we reach the middle of the lake he drops the anchor and we begin fishing. He gets out a basket and opens it. He hands me the biggest rod.
"There you go lad, big strong guy like you needs an adult one now" he says smiling and I grin back.
I eye my new rod astounded. It's black, my favourite colour. And I'm definitely going to catch the most fish with it.
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He gets out the tub of worms and hooks on the bait for us. Ella and I eagerly place our rods in the water and wait. Even though I am very young, fishing is the one instance where I am patient as I have an objective.
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After a few hours in the hazy sun we count up our catch.
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"The boys got it this time Elle's" uncle Thomas says affectionately.
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"Better luck next time" he smiles at me and winks. He's always able to play both sides. Both the caring dad and the affectionate, playful uncle.
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I often wonder whether I could work with him when I'm older. Previously I had asked my dad all about uncle Thomas' job and my dad brushed it off saying that I would not be doing anything of the sort. Uncle Thomas makes and sells fine jewellery, I've seen the workshop. All of the tools he uses and the fine intricate work he does interests me. He takes something rough and makes something beautiful and most importantly he makes it into something that is worth money. Somebody looks at the things he's made, they admire them and invest in them.
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When we arrive back we have lunch and then Ella and I play in the garden. It's not warm enough for the swimming pool but we make do. We play all of her games and then near the end she finally plays football with me.
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Soon dusk takes over and we sit on the terrace with the heaters on eating the fish we caught earlier. Uncle Thomas has cooked us his own special recipe. The ambience is peaceful and I enjoy my food.
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We all hear the front door slam and Ella jumps noticeably. Uncle Thomas puts down his fork discreetly and leaves clearing his throat as he goes. I'm thankful that he is here to buffer the situation. The soft warm light from our serene evening dissipates leaving us cold and in the dark. Soon tranquillity is taken over by tension as I hear raised voices inside, shattering our perfect evening.
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"It's okay" I hear uncle Thomas saying softly, consoling. I can hear him even through the double glass doors which he has pulled too. When I take a glance through the window into the house I can see my mother is sobbing. My father storms away from the situation, walking off leaving everybody else to deal with it. I eye Ella warily and keep her attention by telling her stupid jokes to distract her from the painful scene inside. She laughs, full of childish innocence and my plan works. I'm so jealous of her inability to see the situation for what it is.
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Uncle Thomas returns taking our plates from us wordlessly, I try my best to catch his eye. To grab his attention so that I can read the situation. He evades me.
"Come on you two, inside" he mutters. We walk back into the warm house, me taking in the gloomy atmosphere. Ella sitting resolutely on the sofa watching the TV oblivious. Mum is cleaning up the kitchen and I watch her move around the cabinets with little care for her tummy which normally she would hold onto earnestly. Dad is nowhere to be seen.
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"No go and sit down that's an order" Uncle Thomas says to Mum and as she turns around she catches my eyes and a stricken look of grief falls over her.
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Walking past me she strokes my hair absently.
"Please Jay just watch the cartoons with Ella" she asks. I follow behind her to the sofa and sit down next to my cousin. Ella is laughing next to me at Bugs Bunny.
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I glance at the pamphlets Mum has left on the side whilst sitting down by the coffee table. 'Miscarriage' one reads. They look like doctors leaflets, with pictures and medical stuff on them. It means that we're not going to be a bigger family, it means that it will just be me and Mum. I think it means that Dad and Mum will be arguing again and fighting like before.
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Ella watches the cartoons but I don't, I can't. I watch each tear fall down my mum's face and feel that sorrow consume me. She's inconsolable and lost. Uncle Thomas comes over sitting with me on the sofa. He hooks his arm behind me and I rest.
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Looking into the darkness behind her eyes I decide resolutely that I do not want this in my future. When I'm older I do not want a women to ever feel attached to me, I do not ever want a women to be in pain like that because of me. My Dad failed, my Dad isn't even here, he's most likely sitting in his business suit working perhaps replying to emails that are more important.
Looking at that sorrow I decide that I do not want to see the love of my life in pain and so I will never ever have a "love of my life". I will not allow that intensity of emotion in my life to take hold of me, to cloud my sense of self and hinder my rationality. I will cut myself off from others and I will be just Jay. Non-committing, Jay that only looks out for himself and his own emotional stability.
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