"I did order something for the party, yes" I smile at Rach, we're in the lunch room with Ross and Matty. Jay is at practice, which is a new development. Nate convinced him to join the team and of course he's big enough and bulky enough to get in. So it now looks as though I will be visiting the sports track more often. Not too bad if you ask me, the prospect of seeing your man geared up and running around a pitch actually seems quite appealing.
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"Oh show me" she laughs.
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I take my phone out and get up the picture I took whilst trying on my new outfit. It's maroon, a colour that's become my staple. It's short and strappy with a sweetheart neckline. It's perfect. And I'll be in heels.
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"It's warm enough right?" I ask her half laughing.
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"Gorgeous, who gives a fuck you look great in that" she smiles.
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"Thanks Rach, what are you wearing" I ask.
I'm glad we became friends, that we saw through all of our differences and made sure we rose above the drama. Rach is still seeing Nate and we joked the other day that it's her longest relationship ever. They work well together.
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"I'm wearing an orange mini dress" she laughs
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"So it's edgy, it's different and I need your tan inspo to look good in it" she smiles
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"I got you" I laugh and get out my phone to link her my best fake tan.
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I turn and smile at Ross, who of course as always is by my side. I've decided that I need to be firm with him, it's important to me that he finds somebody who will make him happy and he cannot do that whilst holding onto me. I don't want to hurt him, but I want him to gradually accept that we are not going to be together.
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"Right I've got to return my books" I say to them looking down at my huge bag of borrowed books.
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"Snap" Ross sighs pushing at his blonde hair which has grown out a little. He's caught the sun too and has now taken to showing off his tattoo on his leg in any outfit. Today he's wearing jean shorts and a loose T-shirt.
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I stand up attempt to lift my bag of books and fail miserably. I won't lie, I did get a lot of help from Jay carrying it to uni and around all day.
Ross laughs and picks it up in one swift movement. He has his books in another bag which he carries in his other hand.
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"Thanks" I laugh.
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We walk together to the library chatting about psychology and his English lectures. Once we get in he sets my books down at one of the self serve tills where I can start scanning them in. He lingers looking into my eyes, I look away. Cruel to be kind. I need to let go of him, it's fair. And it's the right thing to do. However much I want him, however much I want to keep him in my life. Looking at me in the way that he does and cherishing any moments we may have with one another, I have to let him move on from me.
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He goes and puts his books through the system, he's far quicker than me. And he returns to my cashier laughing and helping me to finish off the job.
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"I need to talk to you" he sighs as we're walking out.
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"Sure" I tell him.
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"Can I take you for a coffee?" He asks smiling.
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Jay has around an hour more of practice and I agree. Coffee sounds good. Coffee means a chance to break away from our somewhat unofficial relationship that we've had for years.
A chance for us to come to an understanding. I text Jay to let him know and then we head to the coffee shop just over the other side of campus.
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We order together and I tell him that I will be getting this one. He protests but as with everything that I want he gives into me.
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We find a sofa upstairs and I sit with him. His arm instinctively goes around my shoulders and I turn to face him.
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"What's up Ross" I ask him and he smiles that irresistible smile that I always seem to fall for.
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"I wanted to hang with you. I have our tickets for after the break for the theatre" he smiles and his hand rests on the top of my arm.
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"Awesome" I say smiling at him. How can I do this? He's my best friend, he's my constant. He's always there for me. I cannot lose him.
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Being there for him means letting him still be in my life but giving him the space to move on from me, whilst dashing his dreams and hopes all at the same time.
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"Ross I know things have been really convoluted between us. From the very beginning really. We were on and then off and then very much on each other and now we're off again. And I want to today break that cycle. It's not fair of me to keep you. It's not fair of me to want you. And so I know that this is hard but I really want you too move on from me for good and not look back. We can one hundred percent be friends. We can, but if that hurts more then I can let you go. I don't want too. But if you want me too" I begin blubbering.
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Why is it I always cry!?
This is not about me.
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"Taylor I'm ready to break this cycle of you beating yourself up over me. I'm done with it okay. I love you. I do honestly and I always will but really you need to stop deciding what's best for everybody else. I'm not having this conversation now okay? Let's just stay where we are at, no arguing, no 'ross please move on from me shit' because I can't and I won't" he sighs and he looks peeved.
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"I'm sorry" I say and he turns to me.
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"I need you to understand. Finally that I will never ever not be yours okay? No matter what" he says softly.
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"Even if I have to wait for fucking years" he smiles and holds my hand.
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"It's not fair okay. Because I'm selfish and I want to keep you in my life. I want to have you in some way but I don't want you to not have happiness in your life because you are waiting for me. I am with Jay. I am Ross. I love him irrevocably and I don't think I will ever not love him" I say. There I said it. It's out there now.
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"Okay doesn't change shit Taylor. Because I will always have feelings for you" he says defiantly.
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"When we spend time together I know this is it for me. I will take as much of you as you let me have. I have not met anybody ever that makes me feel like you do. When you lived with me for that brief time I could see us doing that and being more to each other for the rest of our lives. Having you being physically intimate with me was the best time I've ever had. So no Taylor i will not just fuck off out of your life so that you can forget me." He says and faces me.
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"Okay" I say crying.
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He sighs and pulls me into his chest. His arms hugging me.
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"If you bring this shit up again though I may reconsider" he laughs.
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"I just don't want to keep you hanging onto any hope" I say quietly
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"That is up to me not you" he sighs and lightly kisses my forehead.
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We sit in silence for a bit. Me drinking my cappuccino and him drinking coffee. He runs his hands through my hair and then sighs.
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"So this party later" he says
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"It's my last time that I can see you for like two whole weeks" he says
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"yeah actually it might be because I think Jay and I are leaving the country for the break" I tell him
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"Oh nice where are you off too" he asks
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"It's a surprise" I say
"I've been trying to guess where he might take me" I laugh.
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Ross laughs a little.
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"Well just please make sure you come back" he says.
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"Of course I will I have a job to go to remember" I sigh
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"That's amazing by the way. I knew you would make it as a pro" Ross says.
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"Thanks yes, I didn't quite envision being principal to start with though" I say laughing.
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"That's how good you are" he smiles.
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"One day we will be watching you on stage, performing for your dance company" he says.
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"One day I'll be reading one of your books" I tell Ross.
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"I have so many ideas Taylor. I just need to write them down." He sighs and he takes my hand in his.
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"What kind of fiction are you going for, like romance or supernatural or ..." I begin, I just knew he could be a writer.
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"Oh I think supernatural. I'm a hopeless romantic" he laughs.
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"Maybe like dystopian and weird stuff" he says looking into my eyes.
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"I love you" he says and I get the feeling it just escaped his mouth as an expression of shock comes over his face by the admission.
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"Ross, I'm with Jay" I say to be clear. I have to be honest with him.
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"The sooner we establish that the easier it will be for us to remain good friends" I say to him and smile.
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“Yeah I know that, I can see that” he comments.
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“He’s different” he observes.
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I look at him and wonder what’s going on in his head.
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“He’s more committed than he normally is with girls. I was so worried to begin with that I would see the whole Rachel thing repeat again, but with you. And I just couldn’t get my head around it” he says
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“I care about you, that you’re happy.” He says smiling.
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“If that means being with him. Then yeah” he finishes.
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I give him a hug. This has definitely progressed better than I had expected. He finally breaks away from the hug and I look into his true blue eyes. Before I cry I remind myself that it has to be this way, this is for the best and I am doing the right thing. Those eyes are not lost on me and I know he’s deliberating what to say and do. He strokes my face and as I close my eyes a stray tear escapes them.
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This is not the end. I remind myself. We had no beginning, we never really got going in the first place but we definitely did feel a great deal for each other along the way. I disentangle myself from him. I do get to keep him in my life I tell myself.
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Whilst I’m standing up and getting my stuff he faces me and pushes my hair back. He kisses my cheek just lightly. I feel his breath on my face and I exhale. More tears fall down my face and he wipes them delicately away.
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“This isn’t the end for us” he whispers in my ear and I just breathe in the smell of him. The feel of his contact which for me is the last time. I cannot let him keep touching me intimately, no matter how subtle.
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“Don’t cry please” he whispers.
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“It’s okay. Shhh. I’m here and I always will be.” He says and I nod.
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I pull myself together now is the time to get going, objective achieved. I wipe my eyes and will myself to get moving. Just one step away from his embrace. It feels like something big just happened and I instigated it.
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“Now come” he says softly he gives me one more hug.
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“Got a book to write and you’ve got many many dances ahead of you” he chuckles, lightly kisses my cheek and we leave.
