Taylor's POV
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The following day at university, I begin to consider that this is my week of clearing out all of the skeletons in my closet. Uttering all of my sorry's and thankyou's before I embark on my life with Jay. I glance over at Ross in the canteen grabbing some pizza from the stand and I approach him. A few books grasped in his hand as he smiles taken back at me being alone and not with Jay.
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"Pizza good choice" I say as I get myself a few slices before we head over to the others. Rachel and Matthew sit by the pool tables as we head over; she's scrolling through her phone and Matthew is sketching. They both look up as we tumble into the sofa opposite them and Ross casually places an arm over my shoulders.
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"Have you got your outfit planned for the party" she asks as I wink at her casually, Matthew eyes Ross' arm and I sigh slightly. How many times must I break up with this man, leading him on by keeping his engagement ring was an awful idea. I curse myself as I look down into my lap.
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"I did order something for the party, yes" I smile at Rach. Jay is at practice, which is a new development. Nate has joined them and so it's just the four of us. However now, it looks as though I will be visiting the sports track more often. The prospect of seeing my man geared up and running around a pitch actually seems quite appealing.
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"Oh show me" she laughs as I giggle taking my phone out as Ross shuffles over slightly. I had taken a picture of me in the gown once I tried it on and I decide to show her that. A maroon silk dress that skims down my waist line with a sweetheart neckline, I modelled it with heels and Jay demanded I twirl around in it as he lounged back in our bed.
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"It's warm enough right?" I ask her half laughing as her eyes go over the picture and Matthew sneaks a glance over her shoulder.
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"Gorgeous, who gives a fuck you look hot in that" she smiles appreciatively handing me my phone back as Ross places his arm over my shoulder again.
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"Thanks Rach, what are you wearing" I ask feeling glad that we became friends, that we saw through all of our differences and made sure we rose above the drama. Rach is still seeing Nate and we joked the other day that it's her longest relationship ever.
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"I'm wearing an orange mini dress" she laughs and I beg her to see it, she doesn't have a picture however she explains it in detail.
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"So it's edgy, it's different and I need your tan inspo to look good in it" she smiles.
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"I got you" I laugh and get out my phone to link her my best fake tan.
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I turn and smile at Ross, who of course as always is still by my side. I've decided that I need to be firm with him, it's important to me that he finds somebody who will make him happy and he cannot do that whilst holding onto me. I don't want to hurt him, but I want him to gradually accept that we are not going to be together.
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"Right I've got to return my books" I say to them looking down at my bag filled with books that I've borrowed from the university library.
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"Snap" Ross sighs pushing at his blonde hair which has grown out a little. He's caught the sun too and has now taken to showing off his tattoo on his leg in any outfit. Today he's wearing shorts and a loose white T-shirt.
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I stand up attempting to lift my bag of books and fail miserably. Ross laughs and picks it up in one swift movement. He has his books in another bag which he carries in his other hand.
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"Thanks" I laugh as Rachel raises her eyebrows and I try my best not to look at his biceps.
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"Later" he calls over his shoulder to Matthew as Rachel winks at me before we leave.
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We walk together to the library chatting about psychology and his English lectures. Once we get in he sets my books down at one of the self serve tills where I start scanning them in. Swiftly he puts his books through the system, he's far quicker than me. And he returns to my cashier laughing and helping me to finish off the job.
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"I need to talk to you" he sighs as we're walking out again with our now empty bags.
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"Sure" I tell him slowly wondering what is on his mind.
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"Can I take you for a coffee?" He asks smiling as his hand casually finds mine and I try to shy away from it. He styles it out however by pushing his blonde hair back.
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Jay has around an hour more of practice and I agree. Coffee sounds good. Coffee means a chance to break away from our somewhat unofficial relationship that we've had for years. A chance for us to come to an understanding. I text Jay to let him know my whereabouts and then we head to the coffee shop just over the other side of campus.
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Ross holds the door open for me and I stroll in ahead of him, approaching the counter and ordering two coffees. I turn to tell him that I will be getting this one as he protests but as with everything he ends up giving into me. An irresistible smile on his lips as I hand him his coffee and we proceed to find a sofa upstairs. Thankfully the coffee shop is devoid of all students as we sit beside a log fire, his arm around my shoulders as I stare into my coffee cup for answers.
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"What's up Ross" I ask him and he smiles charmingly.
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"I wanted to hang with you. I have our tickets for after the break for the theatre" he smiles and his hand rests on the top of my arm.
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"Awesome" I say smiling at him. How can I do this? He's my best friend, he's my constant. He's always there for me. I cannot lose him.
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Taking a moment to think I decide that considering his unwavering support of me, his dedication to always keeping me safe in almost any situation I must also be there for him in an unselfish way. Being there for him means letting him still be in my life but giving him the space to move on from me. Not furthering our complicated relationship but instead trying to be his friend. All this whilst dashing his dreams and hopes.
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"Ross I know things have been really convoluted between us. From the very beginning really. We were on and then off and then very much on each other and now we're off again. And I want to today break that cycle. It's not fair of me to keep you. It's not fair of me to want you. We can one hundred percent be friends. We can, but I don't think anything romantically is ever going to happen for us" I begin blubbering cursing myself for always crying.
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"Taylor I'm ready to break this cycle of you beating yourself up over me. I'm done with it okay. I love you. I do honestly and I always will but really you need to stop deciding what's best for everybody else. I'm not having this conversation now okay? Let's just stay where we are at, no arguing, no 'ross please move on from me shit' because I can't and I won't" he sighs and he looks peeved. Noticeably his hands clench slightly and I sip my coffee giving both of us a minute to just sit and be with our feelings.
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"I'm sorry" I say and he turns to me.
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"I need you to understand. Finally that I will never ever not be yours okay? No matter what" he says softly and with conviction.
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"Even if I have to wait for fucking years" he smiles and holds my hand.
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"It's not fair okay. Because I'm selfish and I want to keep you in my life. I want to have you in some way but I don't want you to not have happiness in your life because you are waiting for me. I am with Jay. I am Ross. I love him irrevocably and I don't think I will ever not love him" I say. There I said it. It's out there now.
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"Okay doesn't change shit Taylor. Because I will always have feelings for you" he says defiantly.
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"When we spend time together I know this is it for me. I will take as much of you as you let me have. I have not met anybody ever that makes me feel like you do. When you lived with me for that brief time I could see us doing that and being more to each other for the rest of our lives. Having you being physically intimate with me was the best time I've ever had. So no Taylor I will not just fuck off out of your life so that you can forget me." He says and faces me, I hadn't imagined that he would fight me on this. That he would so openly declare his love.
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"Okay" I say crying as he sighs and pulls me into his chest.
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"If you bring this shit up again though I may reconsider" he laughs as the tensions dissipates between the both of us.
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"I just don't want to keep you hanging onto any hope" I say quietly lifting my head and watching him. His true blue eyes glisten and he smiles.
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"That is up to me not you" he sighs and lightly kisses my forehead.
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We sit in silence for a bit. He runs his hands through my hair and then sighs.
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"So this party later" he says finally as I look up at him.
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"It's my last time that I can see you for like two whole weeks" he whispers.
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"I think Jay and I are leaving the country for the break" I tell him and he shakes his head.
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"Oh nice where are you off too" he asks simply.
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"It's a surprise" I reply and he scoffs.
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"I've been trying to guess where he might take me" I laugh.
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"Well just please make sure you come back" he says.
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"Of course I will I have a job to go to remember" I sigh
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"That's amazing by the way. I knew you would make it as a pro" Ross says.
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"Thanks yes, I didn't quite envision being principal to start with though" I say laughing.
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"That's how good you are" he smiles.
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"One day we will be watching you on stage, performing for your dance company" he comments.
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"One day I'll be reading one of your books" I tell Ross and he looks down into his lap briefly. I've spied in on his writing enough to read the romantic poetry that he has written, Rachel assumed it was about me. Some of the most beautiful passages I've read came from a time where I lived with him and he would hold me at night.
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"What kind of fiction are you going for, like romance or supernatural or ..." I begin not letting on that I have read at least a bit of his work.
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"I'm a hopeless romantic" he laughs before stroking my arm. The silence grows between us as I flit through the memories in my head. The first time he made love to me, his glowing blue eyes watching me. The time he took me to a dorms party and bought me a sapphire which I proudly wore around my neck.
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"I love you" he says and I get the feeling it just escapes from his mouth as when I glance up at him an expression of shock falls over him.
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"Ross, I'm with Jay" I say to be clear. I have to be honest with him.
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"The sooner we establish that the easier it will be for us to remain good friends" I say to him and smile.
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"Yeah I know that, I can see that" he comments pondering for a few minutes. Ross is unlike any men my age in that he does not become annoyed from a sore ego when I don't tell him that I love him back.
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"He's different" he observes slowly.
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"He's more committed than he normally is with girls. I was so worried to begin with that I would see the whole Rachel thing repeat again, but with you. And I just couldn't get my head around it" he says
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"I care about you, that you're happy." He says smiling finally.
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"If that means being with him. Then yeah" he finishes as I give him a hug. This has definitely progressed better than I had expected. He finally breaks away from the hug and I look into his true blue eyes. Before I cry I remind myself that it has to be this way, this is for the best and I am doing the right thing. Those eyes are not lost on me and I know he's deliberating what to say and do. He strokes my face and as I close my eyes a stray tear escapes them.
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This is not the end. I remind myself. We had no beginning, we never really got going in the first place but we definitely did feel a great deal for each other along the way. I disentangle myself from him. I do get to keep him in my life I tell myself.
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Whilst I'm standing up and getting my stuff he faces me and pushes my hair back. He kisses my cheek just lightly. I feel his breath on my face and I exhale. More tears fall down my face and he wipes them delicately away.
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"This isn't the end for us" he whispers in my ear and I just breathe in the smell of him. The feel of his contact which I consider for us to be the last time. I have chosen and I must honour that decision and not let him keep touching me intimately, no matter how subtle.
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"Don't cry please" he whispers again as I place my hands behind his neck softly.
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"It's okay. Shhh. I'm here and I always will be." He says and I nod slowly.
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"Nothings changed" he whispers looking into my eyes as I pull myself together. Now is the time to get going, objective achieved I tell myself removing myself from him and wiping my eyes. I will myself to get moving. Just one step away from his embrace. It feels like something big just happened and I instigated it by touching him.
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"Now come" he says softly as he gives me one more hug.
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"Got a book to write and you've got many many dances ahead of you" he chuckles, lightly kisses my cheek and we leave.
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