I told my grandmother about my childhood. Basically, everything I mentioned in my life story series. What I experienced with my mother. My toxic outlook on life at a young age. She was there, of course, but she only experienced one side of it; the obedient child. The selfish and spiteful kid who had no friends was a stranger to her.
My grandmother is a wise person. Though not very book smart and not having education beyond middle school, she’s experienced many things, giving birth to my father when she was only 20. Of course, she has her flaws, but compared to everything she’s been through, it’s nothing. She knows how to get along, and listen to people without prejudice. Well, she also knows how to emotionally manipulate people and struggle with saying “no,” but again, I can’t blame her for that.
So when she shed tears for me, I was on the verge of tears myself.234Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZlc3a2xFF
”Were you happy as a child?” She asked.234Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6QxshdQVu
I don’t know. Looking back, I probably wasn’t the happiest, but back then I didn’t know the bar for “depressed” and “happy”, so despite the things I went through, I thought I was happy.
”I knew you weren’t happy,” she told me.234Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsivZOiIlWZ
”When you were a child, you told me multiple times that your parents put too much pressure on you and that you felt worthless.”
I don’t remember that. Hell, I didn’t think I was that self aware.
Honestly speaking, I can’t remember a period of time where I could call myself “happy.” I was always struggling with one thing or another, but… that’s alright. Happiness is listening to your favourite song. It’s getting a good grade you worked hard on. It’s reading a good webtoon, eating a delicious dessert. As long as there are these small moments, I don’t need to always be “happy”. I think on average, I’m a 5/10 in happiness, and that’s pretty good.
You know, I’d always told myself, “I won’t cry when my ——“ dies, whether if it was a friend or a close relative. Strength is having a hard heart and not showing weakness, right? If my family was replaced by servants, it wouldn’t make a difference, right?
…I don’t know anymore. I’ve come to learn how many people struggle with family, and that I shouldn’t take my loving one for granted. I was told,234Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dg14oGXOW
”The second you were born, there were already so many people who loved you.”234Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebsgriWeJN
Nice, isn’t it? I know I’m lucky, I’m privileged. I’m not poor, and I have a family that loves me. But I don’t feel privileged.234Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09vGA8pTXT
I’ve come to admire both cold-hearted people, but also people who have an unwavering faith in humanity despite going through hell. I want to be above others, to be respected, to not rely on anyone. I’ll be independent. But I’ll die alone. I would’ve made an impact, but would there be anyone who would mourn for me? Someone who understands me on a deeper level? I don’t need such things, right? Wouldn’t it be great to live successfully without empathy or feelings all they do is get in the way.
But… deep in my heart, I want someone to see the good in me. Beyond all my selfishness, someone to say, “I know you’re not a bad person.” I want to make a positive impact on the world. Spread a message that would change lives. I want… to have a good friend that will go through thick and thin with me, who would put up with my bullshit.
These two of my deepest desires… I wonder which one would win in the end.
I think strength is ultimately the one who gets up no matter what, the one who’s still smiling at the end of the day. People who still have hope and love for humanity despite going through hell.
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