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(Bgm to read to)
Up to No Good295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNdTq4OWOzb
Oh hey, year 8! I somehow got the nice kid to hate me, I remember that. Again, I had no idea why... I was really trying my best at that time... hmm, I wonder, maybe if you weren't so handsy and elbow them every time you had a chance you'd make friends, Charlie???295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1enxrFaHo
Being overly handsy and hurting others in the process was a bad habit of mine... whether it was jumping on someone "for fun," giving someone a painful back massage in the middle of class (hey, they did it too so I thought it was alright), stabbing people with mechanical pencils, or frightening someone all of a sudden by giving them a good slap on the back without warning... This also caused quite a few misunderstandings, ie. "Wow, Charlie must like me, huh?"295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndPaeO5HQn
...Ah yes, the "bullying your crush" trope that I didn't even know I was doing. Anyway, I had my fair share of fun moments and not-so-fun moments in my middle school years, both within and outside of school. OH, I remember I'd met my cocky match HAHA there was this pick-me prick that was a year older than me, hilarious times. It's so funny that I disliked so many people but didn't pause to think "Hey, you know, why don't people like you?"
Superiority295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6kElRL9mw
Throughout my life, and even now, I have always been comparing myself to others.295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUFPMCLDF6x
At some point, I came to understand my place and that, obviously, there would always be people better than me, but I still believed people "inferior" to me should know their place, and so I hated people who didn't act their place, wanting to put them down to where they belonged. I also hated losing (and still do); I'd rather not put in effort on purpose in a competition than to try my best and suffer a humiliating loss.295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4c2rewwUKs
Why is it that when I see people I deemed to be "inferior" but end up more successful than me, I'm left with a sour feeling in my mouth? I'm still bound to this wretched sense of inferiority to this day.
Humiliation295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcMAG6Gf9f
Ah yes, tch, the person I was shipped with. I don't remember much... but if I remember correctly, this particular person had a habit of teasing me, which would probably be harmless if I wasn't the self-serving egotistic brat I was. So I retaliated… physically. (…I’m not a violent person now, I swear. Also, gender equality! I treated both boys and girls the same, which honestly wasn’t a good idea… Sorry to all the girls I made cry…)295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE543Yik4lt
I hated the fact that my pals (ah yes there were no pals I didn’t have beef with, and these ones were no exception. Hey, 10 years later, we’re good now) shipped me with this girl a few years older than me. A core memory is that she challenged me to solve a maths equation... me, being the self-confident idiot I was, accepted. Of course, I had no fucking clue how to solve it, so I made an excuse and asked for some sort of formula. She looked at me with the smuggest expression on her face, saying I should’ve memorised the formula. I still couldn’t solve it with the formula which I couldn’t make sense of… Still, I remember the humiliation I felt to this day...295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTNUvRZEFZ
Looking back, there were vague moments that made me think, “she doesn’t like me, does she?” I was also told this person liked me by none other than my mother who could never mind her own business, but I was convinced all we had was mutual hatred.
Highschool and Friendship295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZ5QQVuLMg
Anyway, high school. Ah, to go back to year 9 would be fun. Huh? Was I still struggling with making friends and causing drama? Yep. To be perfectly honest, I have no recollection of what happened, just that I knew a few people in my class disliked me, left me out and didn't talk to me, so of course, I blocked them and didn't talk to them. Or it could've been my wild imagination. Anyway, I'd ask my friends if they liked me... often, and why in the hell they would never start a conversation or reply to me with more than 3 words (maybe... because you don't have common interests and introverts are a thing?) But anyway, the main change in years 9 and 10 was my relationship with my mother.295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPefDVTmp4u
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My Mother and I295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwbEJjxGcX
I don't know when it started, but I came to the realisation that no, my parents weren't perfect all-knowing beings. Actually, far from it. All the expectations and all things my mother reprimanded me for... she wasn't meeting any of them herself. Just like that, my respect for my mother shot down, and I started to not be able to stand her. The way she would chew with her mouth open. The way she talked without stopping. The way all her movements were exaggerated. I despised it all. We would have arguments all the time, yelling matches that usually ended with her crying.295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DdCIJxuo7
Whenever I looked at her, feelings of embarrassment and disgust would flow to the surface... Quite the sudden change, eh? Maybe, just maybe, things that I thought were long forgotten was in fact, brewing deep inside my heart.
TW: Mentions of self-harm, mild abuse295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLvaAqdgXQ
My mother wasn't mentally stable throughout my childhood. She would sometimes chase me while screaming in fits of anger and was highly impulsive. She's threatened to throw me in the trash while carrying me, jam my finger in the door, and... commit suicide while sitting on the window ledge.295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyn9q3RPtl0
I... remember once hitting my head slightly on the wardrobe door once, and when my mother didn't notice my pain, the immature me complained, saying how much it hurt. I must have made quite a fuss, because she freaked out and started screaming that she would hit her head as well to understand how I felt. The next second, she was slamming her head into the wall non-stop. I was scared out of my mind, begging her to stop. To this day, there's a dent in the wall of my room. Hahahahahaha... 295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKMmIsOxR3
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ANYWAY, that's that, and how my relationship with my mother hit rock bottom with no improvement in sight for a long, long time. To this day... I don't think we'll ever be able to get along.295Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkrwbCO29bP
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To be continued... (the friend I'm glad to have met, suicidal thoughts and depression)
