It's one thing to move to a different country to study.

It's another for a working holiday visa.

And another, to just move because you're out of options and don't know what the hell you're doing.

I'm left to fend on my home, albeit with some family sponsorships. I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm going to do. I can't imagine getting a job in my field. 

Adult things to worry about. Rent, medical bills, insurance, food.

Studying? I don't want to suffer again, but I don't know if I have a choice. What about expenses? I definitely don't have enough to cover my living expenses and studying. My energy and willpower is nowhere near enough to study and work part time. 

Scholarships? Will they really give scholarships to someone who's not passionate, not a hard worker, and not got anything together? 

I can't imagine that. 

The burden on my shoulders grows ever larger. I need to be something by now. When everyone was my age, they graduated from prestigious universities, travelled to another country, got good paying jobs. What about me? If I don't have that, then I'm worthless. 

My self-worth, which is rooted so deeply in achievements, power, and societal standings. I've been avoiding it, trying to convince myself I'm still worth something even if I don't have a high paying job. But I can't. In the end, I hate myself. I'm not an "adult" I am proud of. And I don't know if I ever will be.  

And not to mention, the things left behind. The dim glow of the familiar bedside lamp. Sitting in the chair that holds my shape. Drawings. Diaries. Lots of them. 

The musty smell of my room. The knock on the door in the morning. 

I never really had friends that I talked to often, so there's nothing in that aspect. Maybe around 5 of my friends know I'm moving out. At least, from my words. 

It's a eat-or-be-eaten world out there. Everyone primarily thinks about themselves. Selfish desicions everywhere, but it can't be helped. Our livelihoods depend on it. 109Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1a3SfuYLd

What is becoming an adult? I've always wished for this, yet it's not happening in the way I want it to. I'm scared. Will anything change?

A new part of my life is starting now. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm still here. I hate myself, but I can't give up. I'll hang in there, like always.

Charlie, out.