TW: Mentions of Self-harm, Su*cide.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfz1L8Ohkc2
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[BGM to listen to... damn, this song brings me back wtf]306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7omC1qsM3
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"I know I've been complaining a lot these days, but I can't help it. It's because I'm walking down a path I hate, yet I have no choice but to do so. 306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6htsQBhiPf
I don't have a choice.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Br6yer9yy
And I'm hoping that maybe, one day, you, or someone else will give me a magical solution that'll solve all my problems."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzcW4ErEMq
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"What do you mean? There's always a choice. Every day is full of choices. Life's just like that."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡft9ZeVC8mm
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"Yeah, I know life can be unpredictable. So can't a meteor just come crashing down tomorrow and destroy the world?"306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Av7Owmilh
"Don't say that. If that happens, then we'll have a lot of difficulty trying to survive. Looking for food will be hard. You'll starve."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfEHLcufyn
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As every conversation goes, it wanders off-track sometimes. We started discussing how I must have clean toilets, and was disgusted at toilets that were anything but sparkly clean.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTDY6d0x6P
"I know you're struggling. But after this period, everything will be fine! I believe in you. That's why we wanted to reward you with a trip to Japan at the end of the year."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FYpQghUx7
"What period?! After I graduate, I'll just be doing the same thing. For 20 years. This period will never end. I'll be stuck like this, doing what I hate, something I can never bring myself to do unless a deadline is frighteningly close, for a long time."
"You see, we keep talking about the end of the year. I look forward to the break too. I'm so excited to go for a holiday. I was like that in high school as well; there was a camp I was looking forward to. But I want you to understand how difficult every day is for me. I struggle to get through a day, much less a week or a month.
I want to quit. Not in a month, not after I graduate, right now. This second. But I can't!"306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Nr32DSDH8
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I wipe away my tears. Fuck.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5A8hPoZKk
"You know, he was like this when you forced him to play piano as well," my grandmother cut in.
"You were saying, 'I want to quit, I want to quit now,' over and over again."
"Yeah, and I regret doing it," my mother responds. I knew she was telling the truth.
"And the consequence? He won't even touch a key on the piano now."
"I'm sorry I did that. But life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to be. If you quit, you might realise you're actually not any happier. You'll have nothing to do, you'll be more unproductive..."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2qhBJI35e
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My mother starts rambling on and on about her own story that I didn't find helpful.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQKzuxJSY2
I almost blurted out, "why is it that every time you open your mouth, nothing useful ever comes out?"306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3F1msRjRH
But I knew she was trying, so I kept it in.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMywWTCMoNi
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"What, so you're saying that no matter what choice I'll make, I'll be unhappy? I'll feel like this, forever?"306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUgwxyTVqu
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"Hah, I might as well kill myself right now. 306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9q1lroZmc
No, wait. Killing myself is too painful. I wish I could just disappear. With a snap of my fingers."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HzT2sYDxW
I wasn't serious about taking my own life, of course, but wanting to disappear or run away was something I'd think about many many times.
Silence.
I could see the shadows cast over their faces as they turned away.
"Don't say that."
At some point, my father had joined us for dinner. A rational person, he would usually signal for my mother to stop talking and instead listen to what I was saying. We discussed gratitude, and my inability to study.
We agreed that whatever major I took, I'd probably end up in the same situation. So even if I were to go back, I'd have no choice but to take the same major. After all, it's short, currently in demand, and careers in the industry will get me a decent amount of money. Why was I so afraid of hard work? It's an instinct ingrained deep inside of me. 306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzjH7BGcBd
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"I'm not suited for life."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhiF5Io3enJ
"Everyone's suited for life. Just a different kind of life."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsmhyiPPfD
"Really? I don't think so. Then what am I suited for?"306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0zluXVxnc
I don't remember his answer.
"At the end of the day, this is all coming down to your feelings, right?306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkpGj0ZsfQU
And you can change how you feel."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNc0xJTIyR4
"What, so I can lie to myself to convince myself that I'm happy? That I love my major? That I won't be so afraid of difficult problems?"
"Yeah, you can."
"How? I've been trying, what, all my life, and I'm still like this."
"Through God. Through seeking Him, and you'll be able to change by renewing your mind."
"Ha... and here I was, looking for a practical, scientifical solution. Like a psychological reconstruction or trick I can put into practice. But it always comes back to God, huh?306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12FEPJF2nj
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You don't think I've tried? I was brought up Christian, so why has nothing gone right?"
We talked about God, trust, and friendships. My problem with putting effort into friendships when they didn't seem to reciprocate or put any effort back. So I stopped trying. It made sense, right? They told me to invest more into relationships.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhotaNehB7X
Hah. This is one thing, struggling with my life direction and being trapped into doing something I can't bring myself to do is another.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyg2JDMkEGb
"Well, try to pep talk yourself. Like looking in the mirror, and tell yourself how good-looking you are."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtu5btVahq7
*Laugh*306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ552AO7e2Cn
"What, you do that?"306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXhwkgHqOs
"Yeah, I think to myself, 'wow, I'm so good looking! Everyone loves me!'"
We laugh.
"Yeah, but how's this going to help me to study?"
"Well, you can pep talk yourself to produce a more positive mood."306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzxGwm5KLE
A million thoughts ran through my head. What, like "I can do it!" Or that sort of shit? Even if I'm in a good mood, I have a crap ton of work to do, which instantly brings me back down. The guilt I feel for leaving it until last minute. The fear of facing work I don't understand. The possibility of failure. It's too much.
"Yeah, I know. I've seen people do that. I've tried. But I have a voice. A voice that talks back.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rf22REGV4
It's a loud voice. A convincing voice. Every time, it convinces me to avoid what I need to do. I'm so good at convincing myself that I'm unable to trick it.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPtmW848Ep
'Just A little longer.'306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ptm3gWQ6R
'Until I finish this video.'306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxYyzd05CY
'Hey, if you're feeling so stressed now, you should just play some games. Watch a little Youtube. Then, you won't feel so stressed, and when you do, you'll feel stressed for a shorter period of time. No?"
It's true. This voice... It tells me a lot of things. It's hard to differentiate it from being good or bad. I'm also really good at convincing myself to not think about it. Not think about anything. So I don't even have the chance to pep talk myself into doing work.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4ovWUlt4q
Just the mere thought of the things I have to do will induce a stomachache at times.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj6X66dlmCA
"You don't have to convince yourself of theses things. You don't need to say to yourself that you need to do this or that, or that you love your major. Just a little bit of self-encouraging words every day to improve your mood, and maybe then, you'll be more willing to study."
We talked about a lot of things, but soon they had to go to church. My mother was kind enough to do the dishes in place of me. 306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2ISbNAVfY
I think I told them, "I don't want to do my assignment. Can you do it for me?" At least three times, as I was that desperate to not work on my assignment.306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT8tsUjonUx
...I'm still not doing it now. I don't want to think about it. I don't know how to start, and it frightens me. I don't want to work hard.
Shut up.
It's just words, isn't it? Just read a little bit. Ask ChatGPT? I'm sure if you ask your friend, they'll help you.
But isn't it shameless? So close to their deadline, and I'm asking for their help yet again, but I never have anything to give back to them.
It's fine. Beggars can't be choosers, can they? Come on. You can do it. Just... write a line of code. Call someone. How are they doing?
No no no-306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVgrWRzyg1
I CAN'T I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I CAN'T I CAN'T I- PLEASE I'D RATHER DO ANYTHING-306Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgHvXCzX61f
...and that's how it goes... fear really is overpowering. I guess having to face difficult work just triggers my "flight" response, and I don't know how to change it.
Wish me luck, I guess... I'm going to take a shower... Although by the time this is out, I'd have finished most of my assignments...
Update: I finished them, but right now I’ve still got a lot…
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