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TW: Mild mentions of depression and suicide
(A gem of a bgm to listen to)
Externalising Pain395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvqi0PxcE4
As you probably know by now, I was the sort of person that was too selfish to blame myself for my situation. I was the person who would rather blame others, the sort of person who would rather hurt others than myself... and would rather kill everyone in the world than to kill myself. "If I can't have it, nobody can. If I'm suffering, I'll try my best to make you suffer too."395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsXu2FIr3H
Simply put, I was a terrible person. I'm not sure if I was born that way, or if it manifested in my childhood. After all, the "pranks" I would play on my schoolmates were a little too extreme to be called "pranks". 395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfZa7hp6Sti
So... when people claimed to have depression in my "friend group" back in my junior year of high school, I didn't get it. Depression? What's there to be depressed about? Why are you crying? Don't be so weak. Depression is only for the weak.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUr9FgWFKOl
Of course, I don't have this mindset now.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bail4exlX
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A Dog With all Bark and no Bite395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpnddRsdrM
I made a friend in year 10. They had a pretty foul mouth, but for some reason, I would never take him seriously. He was popular and fun to be around, despite my constant derogatory comments I threw at him for "fun" (I took him for the type to not care about such comments, so I'm sorry if you took any of the insults to heart), he still hung around. Granted, I remember us getting into a fight for an unknown reason, but I smacked him with a chair and yelled that he "was a piece of trash that didn't deserve life..." yikes, if that wasn't an accurate description of me, I don't know what was. Sorry man, I said that in the heat of the moment and don't mean it.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrI6d0HgseR
It was a fun time. Up to no good in the back of the classroom, doodling the ugliest portraits of each other in our notebooks.... 395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKHrDvZNjn
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Maturity?395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwqj2hEXpC
Quite a few things happened in junior high. My long-term relationship with food had gone a darker turn, and I would attempt to make myself puke a few times. However, my love for food was too great for me to give it up. Long story short, later on, I took antidepressants which helped me gain more control over my binge eating habits. I had more things to worry about than my body image like not dying, so...395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8rZa26bq5
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Over time, I became more self-conscious of my actions. After having a conversation with someone, I would feel like I said too much; what if they think that I'm as annoying as my mother? Would be the constant thought in my head. I would try my best to shut up, but as a person who was wired to talk to others, it was difficult. I sometimes wish that I wasn't an extrovert. I was afraid of bothering others; that they would feel the same disgust towards me I felt towards my mother.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDOjFTBHzG
Most of my friends were introverted, so I was always the one taking the initiative, whether it was initiating a conversation or self-inviting myself to their house. At around 11th grade, I realised they could've hated my actions as they preferred to spend time alone. I also realised that thinking everyone hating me was unrealistic, and that, in fact, no one cared about me. While everyone had their close group of friends, I just hung around whoever. No one would notice if I had just disappeared one day.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfacHJsSlS
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Descent into Depression395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6d8S0LwXF
Again, I can't recall when it started, or exactly why, but I grew to hate humanity with my heart. I mean, I've always cared about my toys more than the people around me, but some sort of media made me realise how wretched and horrible humans were. Maybe studying "the Dark Knight" for film analysis played a part? (Great movie, by the way. The Joker's viewpoints on humans overlapped with mine quite a lot, and still do. Sometimes I wished there was a Batman who would always prove me wrong without fail that there's people willing to believe in good)395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kxeoECbAb
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The trigger to my depression? School. You see, I'd always hated studying, but I was forced to at a young age. I was never a hard worker; the only thing motivating me was spite and the desire to be above others. So when year 12 hit, my violent fear of failure clashed with my fear of hard work. I always got by without doing a lot of work, and because school was easy. Hell, quite a few people wrote I was "good at school" for my middle school graduation comments. However, I hated all of my subjects. I couldn't bring myself to study, yet I was deathly afraid of getting bad grades. Stupid, right? But I truly believed, and still do, that getting bad grades would ruin my life and I would be considered worthless. Yet.. I couldn't bring myself to study. 395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPB1N1yFki
It spiraled into a huge circle of guilt of not being able to be productive, and my fear of failure. It got to the point where I just accepted I was a failure, but I didn't want to face it. So, I just shut down. Every day, all I could do was to drag to school. I'm not exaggerating when I say that every minute felt like an hour. At home, all I could do was sleep. My parents were always strict in school attendance, but it got to the point where I would beg them for me to not go to school. I couldn't get out of bed; I was a worthless failure with no motivation to live anymore. Nothing mattered.
I never had anything I really wanted to do in life, either. I was "good" at many things, but never excelled. While many people were talented in specialised areas and seemed to be sure of their future, I didn't. I had no passion, no dream, no goal.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFsabWIzY4i
Everything, along with the belief that no one cared about me and my deep hatred for humanity, led to me considering suicide daily, or at least running away from home.395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcd0E4kK9YQ
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Turnaround395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHpojW4LLJ
My parents, who became concerned with the way I was behaving, brought me to a psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressants. As I mentioned before, this had a few side effects including loss in appetite. But... eventually, I was able to get out of bed once more. It's hard to describe the effect of medicine, but I no longer worried about what would happen if I failed so much. What happens, happens. So, I lived one day at a time. I got out of bed. I went to school. Despite being chronically fatigued every day (still am), I got through it, somehow. And my grades? Well, they weren't the best, but they weren't bad, either. I somehow managed to pull out As without studying. In fact, I could gain a scholarship with them (I only applied for one, though).395Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnq5YAZNZr
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To be continued (my family, religion, conclusion)
