[bgm to read to]
I like talking. I like talking about myself, and I like hearing about others' experiences. When I experience a happy or bad situation, one of my first thoughts is to share it with someone. When I come across a funny meme, an amazing movie, or whatever, I want to share and talk about it with someone.
When I was young, I would mostly bother my sister with such things. But as we grew older and had our differences, we didn't talk as much, more so now than ever since we live apart.
I've always been alone most of my life, surrounded by adults or because none of my mates wanted to hang out with me. My friends are mostly introverts, so they never want to go out of their way to hang out or even message me, and my extroverted friends are too busy with their other thousand friends to hang out.
Ah fucking damnit. I hate people who never reply or start a conversation, cmon, aren’t we friends? Isn’t this effort supported to go both ways? And I hate that I feel discouraged by the other party not replying. I mean cmon, isn’t it petty? They don’t give a shit, so I shouldn’t give a shit. “Ah… I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. Or for the next year. Humans tire me out.” I get it, I hate humans too, really. Really. That’s why I’ll leave it. I mean, I’m sure there’s a few people you enjoy talking to, spending time with and don’t tire you out. I’m just not one of those.
So it would be much more convenient if I was a person who enjoyed keeping to themself. I wish I didn't feel the need to talk to people about my thoughts, and share things I find intriguing with others. After all, I feel like it's a burden, as I feel that way when I have to painfully listen to my mother's ramblings nonstop.
I'm a proud supporter of equivalent exchange, so if I share something with another person, they must share something back. If I'm talking about myself, I feel the other party is doing a favour by listening to me, so of course, I want to hear them talk about themselves as a way of repaying the favour (plus, I'm interested in hearing about the lives of others). Unfortunately, people don't seem like talking about themselves so I feel pressured as they have not withheld their side of the equivalent exchange. Hence I'll either ignore them for an extended period of time or cut ties completely until they feel like talking.
To this day, when I send more messages to a person than they send me, or if they only reply with curt messages, I feel uncomfortable. A bother. I don’t like it. Especially if the other party never initiates conversations. I feel like they’re not reciprocating my interest in talking to them, or putting as much effort into our friendship than I am. You can see why now that I’d make a sad extrovert, huh? I'm not the type that're constantly unafraid to reach out. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could know when and who is thinking of me…259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZLZ3qIt9y
But... talk about double standards. Even when I found a person I could share everything with and talk to daily, I wasn't satisfied.259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChCuFBNNjs
"Ah, they're so stupid."259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQrAi1Q3vc
"So annoying. Why isn't this conversation going anywhere? I don't want to talk about this."259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJe4u7CMD9F
But above all, I was afraid they'd find out who I really was.259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUeJCXyAXPU
I just want someone who I can send funny screenshots of manga, memes, and good songs to, and them to send some back. Mmmmm.... I wish instead of dating and professional profiles, there were friend profiles that you could search for and match. Hey, I'll make one in the next issue... wait, I should make a contest... but I don't know who will even want to join...259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6s6FSvp7w4
I don't want to be perceived as needy and annoying. So I wish I wasn't an extrovert. I guess I have been more closed up lately, at least to my family, as my parents are convinced I'm an introvert, but I'm just an extrovert who sucks at reading the wants and emotions of others.259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTi3U2pa4nA
But it’s not like I will ever admit this to my friends. “Oh hey, I feel like I’m bothering you by messaging too much when you only respond once ever week, and that I’m the only one waiting and checking for a message back.” My pride would never (plus, that’s kinda gay… /j but yknow, fucking beta male vibes). I’d just start ignoring them back. Whatever, one week, month, year… maybe forever. It’s really easy to reach me. And if they actually take the easy extra step to reach out again, I’d be glad to reply, being assured our friendship goes both ways. I don’t want to waste brainpower thinking about someone who doesn’t give two shits about me.
Wouldn’t it be better living life thinking everyone loves me? But key experiences in childhood that influence a core mindset is hard to change.
That's why... I like making blogs, vlogs, videos, media, whatever. So people can read my rants if they want, and if they don't want to, they can stop. 259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1pSrqT4o9S
I also think I'd be a perfect host. Or one of those, what do you call it... rental boyfriends? That are available in Asian countries. It sounds fun. It's my job to make conversation and listen to people, and I don't need to worry about being a burden on them. I also enjoy getting to know almost everything about a person in a short amount of time, especially online.259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYtHOlx4Uk
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Ah, what's your dream job? "Being a rental boyfriend." (I can't hold my liquor, so host is out of the question. If only... I heard hosts can get paid a very solid amount.)259Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwa5GtlgBH2
Uh...
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