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Holidays have been great. Visited nice places, ate a ton of nice food… and my allergies haven’t been acting up much so far! There are a few things that came into mind the past week.
Firstly, the sense of not belonging. So, I travelled to Macau with my friend, and we met their grandparents who took good care of us. Throughout my time there, no matter how nicely they treated me, there was just an unsettling feeling of not belonging or just a sense of isolation- it’s really awkward suddenly being thrown into somebody’s family that you’ve never met beforehand. So I kind of pity everyone who has to live with their partners family. The unsettling feeling of not belonging eating away at you inside…
Secondly, the sheer amount of depressive episodes - well I can’t really call them episodes but I’ve always had them; short episodes of very low mood that lasts for around 10 minutes- I’ve had this week… Maybe it’s because I’ve been walking around a lot - hence getting pretty tired, but my theory is that because I’ve never really had great memories in Hong Kong. I mean of course there were times that I had fun, but the majority of the time in Hong Kong was spent suffering from doing homework every day - even though it was the holidays, or being rushed to hospital in the middle of the night because of my eczema/allergies. Not to mention those cramped soundproof music practice rooms – I never want to go there again. (Seriously, you can barely fit a piano, the piano chair, and maybe, if you’re lucky, an extra chair for your piano teacher or someone to sit beside you)
Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun so far in Hong Kong. But… I’m afraid of when I need to go back to reality. To my normal life. To university. Looking for a job that I dread. In a sense, Holidays area form of escapism That is like a dream. And when you wake up, it’s like it never happened. You’re left sitting on the couch, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness seeping into you. A dream that can’t come true. Everyone says that they never want holidays to end, and I do too. At the bottom of my heart.
You know, I haven’t had a proper summer break in ages. It’s always summer school, summer school, working full time. And I know that even when I start a permanent full time job, there will be no summer break.
Oh, how I wish I was year 9 again. I never really had a happy childhood, so I don’t want to go back to childhood times. I wonder what would happen if I went to a different high school.
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