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I caught up with a few people I haven't seen in 5-8 years. It's been fun. A lot of walking, a lot of eating. It's a miracle my allergies haven't flared up yet.
I'm not much of a family person. I don't know why; I just never felt much empathy towards them. But of course, I was always taught the importance of responsibility, so I visit family members when they're sick, take care of them, etc.
But in terms of feelings, there hasn't been anything much, especially for older family members, or family members that we don't see often; ie. the ones residing in Hong Kong. To be honest, I'm not a fan of the side of my family in Hong Kong. They're just like my mother; loud, clumsy, and never stops talking. I mean it. Never. Please. I want some quiet. Over the past decade, many family members have passed away in Hong Kong. As my health was never great in Hong Kong and I was busy with school, I didn't attend their funerals. It never bothered me much, either. I know they did a lot for me, but... I just can't help but feel unbothered. I thought this was relatively normal, but I was called weird by my friend. I was the one who found it weird that they actually cared and wanted to spend time with their grandparents that they don't see often, especially when they're not very fun, and takes effort to care for them. I often find myself looking forward to the end of an interaction with certain family members.
You see, I think I mentioned this previously, but throughout my life, starting at a very young age, I always thought my parents would leave me behind any time, and were just keeping me around for my future usefulness. If I was no longer useful, I would be useless. I thought it was normal to think that way, until I grew quite a bit older - but I sometimes still think that my parents might leave me stranded in some foreign place. So... I tried my best not to have an attachment to my family. If I was old, and could no longer do anything, I would feel like a burden. It's suffering for both myself and the people who have to take care of me. I no longer have any use.
When I had to visit a family member in a retirement home regularly, it wasn't very fun. I didn't really enjoy my time there, but it's responsibility, right? I know it sounds cruel, but I've definitely thought to certain family members, "why don't you just... pass away already?" I mean, it's for both of our benefits, after all.
Seems like one of our elderly family members had the same idea, and, well, you know, if you're smart, you can figure out what happened. I only found this out today, what happened to them - I'd thought they passed away due to a life-threatening sickness they had.
So, me and one of my family members (the one who doesn't know how to stop talking) in Hong Kong talked about it. There was a language barrier - I can usually hold a normal conversation in Cantonese, but they used a lot of complex philosophical terms that I couldn't understand, and there were English words they couldn't understand, either. 282Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAL0zCowMU
But even so, they told me about their justice in life. You see, this person is a very typical office worker in Hong Kong. They wake up, go to work, and sleep. They limit themselves to spending a certain amount of money every day. They're certainly not well off, yet they claim they're happy and content in life. For me, it would be such a boring and mediocre life I can't stand. But they find contentment in a stable income, and knowing their future - retiring, being able to afford to travel a little, and retire comfortably. They're not married, either.
Despite being awfully chatty, this person has a solid stance on life. A very individualistic person who believes in making their own happiness, and living for themselves along with the people close to them. Someone with no regrets, even if they passed away this second, and is alright not leaving a world-changing legacy. Hell, they're alright with no one remembering them if they pass. Don't you think it's a lonely thought? That you never made a big impact, no one will grieve nor remember you. Well, I guess they know that they will be in their family's hearts.282Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRoLIMdfKN
So what do they do in times when they feel lonely, depressed, or empty? Don't think about it too much. Reframe negative thoughts into positive ones, and seek temporary happiness like eating good food, or playing a game.282Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XRd8Yos9o
Even though I'm different, I do admire that outlook on life. As you know, I'm still struggling with being content with my own life. Wanting more, being burdened by the fear of being looked down upon. How do I live a life without regrets?
Life is unpredictable. Disasters can come at any moment. I hope I can figure out what is it that I really want, and acquire it before I pass.
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