TW: Mentions of Self-harm, Su*cide.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8JM1wAKyX
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[BGM to listen to... damn, this song brings me back wtf]392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGneqWLnDs
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"I know I've been complaining a lot these days, but I can't help it. It's because I'm walking down a path I hate, yet I have no choice but to do so. 392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6mCTGxCaP
I don't have a choice.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFD7Z7QI3i
And I'm hoping that maybe, one day, you, or someone else will give me a magical solution that'll solve all my problems."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXSsPtAdyI
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"What do you mean? There's always a choice. Every day is full of choices. Life's just like that."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7tquFKedh
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"Yeah, I know life can be unpredictable. So can't a meteor just come crashing down tomorrow and destroy the world?"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFivpzDiAxA
"Don't say that. If that happens, then we'll have a lot of difficulty trying to survive. Looking for food will be hard. You'll starve."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCkwrxD3Ne
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As every conversation goes, it wanders off-track sometimes. We started discussing how I must have clean toilets, and was disgusted at toilets that were anything but sparkly clean.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZpwH6D5aM
"I know you're struggling. But after this period, everything will be fine! I believe in you. That's why we wanted to reward you with a trip to Japan at the end of the year."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeF7qi0w1r1
"What period?! After I graduate, I'll just be doing the same thing. For 20 years. This period will never end. I'll be stuck like this, doing what I hate, something I can never bring myself to do unless a deadline is frighteningly close, for a long time."
"You see, we keep talking about the end of the year. I look forward to the break too. I'm so excited to go for a holiday. I was like that in high school as well; there was a camp I was looking forward to. But I want you to understand how difficult every day is for me. I struggle to get through a day, much less a week or a month.
I want to quit. Not in a month, not after I graduate, right now. This second. But I can't!"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMD2awxlMJ4
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I wipe away my tears. Fuck.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh0mYXW5kAC
"You know, he was like this when you forced him to play piano as well," my grandmother cut in.
"You were saying, 'I want to quit, I want to quit now,' over and over again."
"Yeah, and I regret doing it," my mother responds. I knew she was telling the truth.
"And the consequence? He won't even touch a key on the piano now."
"I'm sorry I did that. But life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to be. If you quit, you might realise you're actually not any happier. You'll have nothing to do, you'll be more unproductive..."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtNMmPx0ZBY
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My mother starts rambling on and on about her own story that I didn't find helpful.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LTkjQydNR
I almost blurted out, "why is it that every time you open your mouth, nothing useful ever comes out?"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjch21OcAne
But I knew she was trying, so I kept it in.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoGkC5qITJ
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"What, so you're saying that no matter what choice I'll make, I'll be unhappy? I'll feel like this, forever?"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY79T70nqyC
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"Hah, I might as well kill myself right now. 392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyJqY4BxGC
No, wait. Killing myself is too painful. I wish I could just disappear. With a snap of my fingers."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBHsm1RtVN
I wasn't serious about taking my own life, of course, but wanting to disappear or run away was something I'd think about many many times.
Silence.
I could see the shadows cast over their faces as they turned away.
"Don't say that."
At some point, my father had joined us for dinner. A rational person, he would usually signal for my mother to stop talking and instead listen to what I was saying. We discussed gratitude, and my inability to study.
We agreed that whatever major I took, I'd probably end up in the same situation. So even if I were to go back, I'd have no choice but to take the same major. After all, it's short, currently in demand, and careers in the industry will get me a decent amount of money. Why was I so afraid of hard work? It's an instinct ingrained deep inside of me. 392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VCOhe1Iri
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"I'm not suited for life."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8EUrZw31C
"Everyone's suited for life. Just a different kind of life."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44OfOk8WqG
"Really? I don't think so. Then what am I suited for?"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFShTuhKI0
I don't remember his answer.
"At the end of the day, this is all coming down to your feelings, right?392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkIrNRhnEp4
And you can change how you feel."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRP4HmIKnkW
"What, so I can lie to myself to convince myself that I'm happy? That I love my major? That I won't be so afraid of difficult problems?"
"Yeah, you can."
"How? I've been trying, what, all my life, and I'm still like this."
"Through God. Through seeking Him, and you'll be able to change by renewing your mind."
"Ha... and here I was, looking for a practical, scientifical solution. Like a psychological reconstruction or trick I can put into practice. But it always comes back to God, huh?392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5f4JWZRxNx
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You don't think I've tried? I was brought up Christian, so why has nothing gone right?"
We talked about God, trust, and friendships. My problem with putting effort into friendships when they didn't seem to reciprocate or put any effort back. So I stopped trying. It made sense, right? They told me to invest more into relationships.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8GBOzADmt
Hah. This is one thing, struggling with my life direction and being trapped into doing something I can't bring myself to do is another.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbtnTHboyI
"Well, try to pep talk yourself. Like looking in the mirror, and tell yourself how good-looking you are."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd46ZaQ56jP
*Laugh*392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vNWa2xSgI
"What, you do that?"392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwxpexeQ4V
"Yeah, I think to myself, 'wow, I'm so good looking! Everyone loves me!'"
We laugh.
"Yeah, but how's this going to help me to study?"
"Well, you can pep talk yourself to produce a more positive mood."392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYBZ0Op0Li
A million thoughts ran through my head. What, like "I can do it!" Or that sort of shit? Even if I'm in a good mood, I have a crap ton of work to do, which instantly brings me back down. The guilt I feel for leaving it until last minute. The fear of facing work I don't understand. The possibility of failure. It's too much.
"Yeah, I know. I've seen people do that. I've tried. But I have a voice. A voice that talks back.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oJoZKXlon
It's a loud voice. A convincing voice. Every time, it convinces me to avoid what I need to do. I'm so good at convincing myself that I'm unable to trick it.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSpd0vRiRZ
'Just A little longer.'392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfwEOclvgzZ
'Until I finish this video.'392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡws0mKkpvTJ
'Hey, if you're feeling so stressed now, you should just play some games. Watch a little Youtube. Then, you won't feel so stressed, and when you do, you'll feel stressed for a shorter period of time. No?"
It's true. This voice... It tells me a lot of things. It's hard to differentiate it from being good or bad. I'm also really good at convincing myself to not think about it. Not think about anything. So I don't even have the chance to pep talk myself into doing work.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mTZVK2Dux
Just the mere thought of the things I have to do will induce a stomachache at times.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Zzsa5yclx
"You don't have to convince yourself of theses things. You don't need to say to yourself that you need to do this or that, or that you love your major. Just a little bit of self-encouraging words every day to improve your mood, and maybe then, you'll be more willing to study."
We talked about a lot of things, but soon they had to go to church. My mother was kind enough to do the dishes in place of me. 392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3tPdjrFgY
I think I told them, "I don't want to do my assignment. Can you do it for me?" At least three times, as I was that desperate to not work on my assignment.392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6y4LbKvOa
...I'm still not doing it now. I don't want to think about it. I don't know how to start, and it frightens me. I don't want to work hard.
Shut up.
It's just words, isn't it? Just read a little bit. Ask ChatGPT? I'm sure if you ask your friend, they'll help you.
But isn't it shameless? So close to their deadline, and I'm asking for their help yet again, but I never have anything to give back to them.
It's fine. Beggars can't be choosers, can they? Come on. You can do it. Just... write a line of code. Call someone. How are they doing?
No no no-392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HMN4UDmFX
I CAN'T I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO I CAN'T I CAN'T I- PLEASE I'D RATHER DO ANYTHING-392Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMedJ9xdwME
...and that's how it goes... fear really is overpowering. I guess having to face difficult work just triggers my "flight" response, and I don't know how to change it.
Wish me luck, I guess... I'm going to take a shower... Although by the time this is out, I'd have finished most of my assignments...
Update: I finished them, but right now I’ve still got a lot…
ns3.22.208.99da2
