Killer never thought he’d see you again. The world was a vast place, after all. And truthfully, he wondered if he really ever wanted to.
Not because he hated you, nothing at all like that. Try as he might, his heart refused to forget you, the mark you’d left etched on his soul deep and permanent. But because you’d parted ways under such heartbreaking circumstances…he was terrified of the way you might look at him, should you happen to stand face to face once more.
Of the few regrets he carried, you were one of them.
He’d left out of love, as ridiculous as that sounded. The more he realized how dangerous and unpredictable the New World truly was, how even the most seasoned of fighters and ruthless of pirates–of which you were neither–lost their lives to the sea’s brutality, the more he convinced himself that he couldn’t possibly bring you with him. How could he possibly keep you safe, under such circumstances as that?
The breakup had been…messy. He’d never forget the desperation in your tearful eyes as you begged him not to leave you behind, nor the way your fingers had buried themselves into his shirt, tugging and shoving as if to shake him out of whatever had caused him to come to such a conclusion as this.
It was only due to his helmet–his protection in battle, and now the veil to smother his emotions–that helped him see his decision through. He didn’t want you to see the way his own eyes blurred, or the quiver of his lip as he spoke the words he’d practiced in his own head for days beforehand. Though his tone was straight and true, his chest ached and pained as the words tumbled out, like knives to his own heart.
He wasn’t even sure if you’d heard his whispered ‘I’m sorry,’ the last thing he’d said to you, as you sat there on your knees in the grass. You’d looked so broken, so defeated, that it took everything in him not to cradle you in comfort in his arms, and tell you everything would be alright. Only a lover could have such a privilege, and he’d willingly revoked that title.
Not a day went by that you weren’t on his mind. Days eventually settled into years apart, but the pain never completely went away, never completely healed. That wound to his heart continued to bleed, a slow steady trickle.
But it was torn open wide the moment he saw you standing there t the dock of some New World Island, staring back at him in such a way that…he didn’t know how to interpret. Clearly you were just as surprised to see him.
For several moments, you both just stood there, staring, trying to determine if this was some sick hallucination, your minds playing tricks on you. But as Killer was bumped into by some passerby, his attention diverted for just a moment, he looked back up to see you still there.
This was no dream. You were here.
He approached cautiously. The bewilderment in your eyes was still there, searching over him to see how he’d changed these past few years.
You yourself had definitely changed. You looked…stronger. Fortified. A determination had settled into the way you stood, the way you carried yourself. He realized he viewed your stance as an equal, not as someone who required his protection.
And he was proud. The bittersweet realization that, had he not left, he would have gotten to see that change in you himself as you grew stung more than he cared to admit. But that was the past, and he couldn’t change it now.
“Y/N.” He mumbled, stopping a wider distance away than he’d like. The question as to how you’d react to him still had no clear answer.
You swallowed, nodding as a courteous greeting. “Killer.”
“You’re…” Hi helmet shook, trying to find something to say to you after such time apart. And under such awkward pretenses. “You look good. Um, not that you…didn’t, before.”
The barest hint of a smile curved the corners of your lips, but he didn’t necessarily take that as any sort of sign. “Thank you.”
“You’ve…changed. In a good way, I mean.”
“So have you.” You state, letting a long pause settle in between your conversation.
Your tone was soft, though Killer couldn’t be sure if you were angry, sad, or just resigned to the way things had turned out. There was a swirling of emotions in your eyes he didn’t know where to begin to dissect.
Seeing you, hearing you, the sound of your voice once more…it was nearly too much.
“Killer-”
“I miss you.” He interrupted, helmet lowering as he let out a shaky breath. “Every damn day, I think about you.”
He couldn’t have prepared for the flood of old pain to come rushing back the moment he laid eyes on you, on your beauty and those eyes that he could still remember looking up at him with adoration and love.
“I’ve spend all this time telling myself that I made the right decision, that I was protecting you and letting you go was the best way to keep you safe, but,” his hand twitched, wanting to reach out to you, to just…touch you once, but he stopped himself, “I was wrong. I was scared, of losing you, and in the end I lost you anyway…only now it was my own damn fault.”
You say nothing, but the pain you tried keeping hidden and contained began to bleed through. Brow furrowed, eyes narrowed, with the barest film of glassiness to them.
“Y/N…Leaving you behind is my biggest regret.” He whispers, stepping forward to be closer, in some capacity. “I’m so sorry…”
“You’ve no idea the pain I felt watching you sail away without me.” You say, forcing your voice not to warble with thick emotion. “How much I blamed myself for you leaving me behind.”
“…” There wasn’t anything Killer could say to that, but it still broke his heart all over again to hear the terrible truth. All he could do was nod sadly.
“It took awhile to realize I didn’t do anything wrong, that it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough or…something else.” You admit, crossing your arms to hug yourself. You couldn’t look at him. “The hurt morphed into anger. I…really did hate you for a long time.
"So I set out to sea, to prove myself capable, and I made it to the New World and beyond. I got stronger, and made valuable friends.” You said, a pride filtering into your tone. “I proved you wrong, and it felt good, to be able to say I told you so.”
Killer’s throat felt thick, and no amount of swallowing would get rid of the lump.
“But then I just felt…empty.” Your eyes glance back up at the helmeted man, betraying your own sorrow. “After all this time and all this mess, I…missed you too. And all the anger I felt just kind of faded away. I couldn’t hate you, because I understood why you felt like you had to leave. The New World is no joke. And there were many close calls, many times I could have died. But it didn’t make it feel any less painful.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” Killer said sadly. “If you believe one thing I say, please let it be that.”
You only nod, looking back down to the ground with thought. “But you still did, and it isn’t something I can just forget.”
“…I know.”
Another thick silence settled, and it was only then that Killer realized you two were just standing in the middle of a very public space, having this vulnerable and personal conversation out where you both had an audience. It wasn’t the ideal place for such a thing.
“I…truthfully don’t know where this leaves us.” You say awkwardly, shuffling in place as you glanced around at your surroundings. “I didn’t expect to ever have this conversation, to be honest.”
“Neither did I.” Killer scratches at his arm, looking away, before focusing on your face once more. “I’m not selfish enough to think we can just…pick back up where we left off, and pretend the last few years never happened at all. They did, and I have to accept that. I know what we had before…might never happen again.”
He couldn’t help but feel a tiny flash of hope as he saw disappointment flash across your face for a brief second, as if the idea that what was lost could never be recovered was something you didn’t want either. It was…a sign, at the very least.
“But, if you think you can stand the sight of me a little longer,” his feet shifted, knowing he had no right to even offer up the suggestion he was about to, “would you…want to grab a coffee? Together? And just talk?”
“Yes.” You say without hesitation. You still aren’t smiling, but the sorrow was beginning to lift. “I mean…I know it may not, meansomething more, or that something like it might happen, but…yes. I’d like to talk. And…maybe start fresh.”
“Good. Umm, great. Yeah.” He nodded, not expecting your answer at all. He’d been preparing himself for the acceptance of your rejection with as much dignity as possible. This was…pleasantly surprisingly. “Is there, a good time-?”
“I don’t have anything going on this afternoon-”
“Afternoon works. I think there was a cafe, up the road, or-”
“I know a good place, where we could talk in private, it’s a little far-”
“Somewhere quiet is good.” He nods, wanting to laugh at himself for how awkwardly the two of you were to each other now. Conversation used to be so smooth, but now it was a verbal fumbling, hoping not to say the wrong thing or overstep boundaries.
“Then…we’ll plan on it.”
“Yeah.”
Killer was nearly struck by the tiny, hint of a smile he saw grace your lips as you pushed some of your hair from your face. “I’ll…meet you back here in a few hours, then.”
“I’ll be here.”
“I will too.” You say, that sense of humor edging into your voice.
Killer’s heart hadn’t felt this light in weeks as he reluctantly turned and left the docks. And while he knew he shouldn’t get his hopes up for anything to come from this meeting, he honestly could help himself.
After all this time, you could still pull him in with that beautiful smile. And if it meant having a few more moments with you, he’d gladly drown in the renewed grief that was sure to follow after.
ns 15.158.61.48da2
