Matthew's POV
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Taylor and I are on wake up number one, the massage chair although comfortable has been seriously playing with my back, sleeping upright is not ideal. I stand and stretch wincing and she scoffs at me whilst preparing to breastfeed Henry. His crying quietens, and she rests her head back, sipping the glass of water I placed by the side of the bed.
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"Seriously, just lay down" she snaps at me and I chuckle. She glances at me apologetically and I laugh. Taylor wipes her face and sighs watching me hesitate.
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"I cant, the chair is just fine" I say sitting on the side of the bed as she feeds the baby, my head in my hands and the television on.
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"We can do this Matthew bloody hell, you can lay next to me without falling in love with me surely" she says softly. I stare up at her and she scoffs again.
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"I can do no such thing, let's not talk about this right this very minute Taylor." I ask of her and she sighs, impetuously.
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"Why not, your back clearly hurts, you're tired. I'm exhausted and already hungover" she laughs and I stand up sighing, pulling my shirt off and jeans. Walking over to the chair and resolutely pulling on some jogging bottoms before I stumble over in the dark to the large bed. I part the voiles as she stares down at Henry. Sitting up in the bed and resting my back on the bed frame I exhale slowly.
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"Because I have just spent the entire evening imagining that you're mine" I whisper into the dark and she remains silent processing my words.
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"Because I would do everything in my power to keep you with me. Because I love you both" I sigh and wipe my face realising how tired I am. Telling myself to shut up, I watch Henry feed as Taylor strokes his hair back softly.
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"I know all of that" she whispers acknowledging my feelings.
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"Before I had Henry, do you remember my wedding night Matthew" she says softly handing me the baby. I pull him into my arms as she lays back down and faces me. Patting his back lightly I feel him burp several times before I cradle him into my chest. We lay him back down into his crib and she stops me from running off to the chair.
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"I won't do anything." She says softly.
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"I remember your wedding night" I say to her.
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"You told me that Jay would be away a lot, he was aware of this and he had spoken to you about it. You propositioned me, and you told me that you would be there always." She says softly as I push my hair back. She eyes me and I watch her right back.
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"You were okay with that" she says and I remember the conversation, holding her for a dance at the reception afterwards. No idea of how my life would change, over the next coming months. Oddly the birth of her first child has only anchored her to my life more permanently.
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"I am okay with it, more than okay. But sleeping with you all night is not okay." I elaborate.
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"No it's okay, if we don't cross a line" she whispers.
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"Taylor I cannot lose you or the baby. I can't okay. I need to be a part of your lives. If Jay ever suspects, or even just thinks something has happened that is it this time." I tell her pinching my nose.
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"I understand. Nothing is going to though, apart from sleep and baby feeding" she chuckles calming me down, she strokes my arm just once and then remains on her side of the bed. Lying on my back I wait for her breathing to change and deepen indicating that she's asleep.
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Turning the television off and looking into the pale moonlight briefly before facing her asleep in bed. A few tears escape my eyes, as I watch her sleep soundly next to me. I wrap my arms over her waist as she murmurs just like she used to, when we were together. Her lips pursed and her hair swirling around her neck and shoulders, she's everything I've ever wanted yet to kiss her is a crime. Stealing her from him won’t work as she already wears his ring. I glance down at my own eternity ring, the one that she bought me and think about the day we bought it. Being eighteen and in love, she hadn’t met him yet, and truly she was mine.
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Henry stirs and I stand instantly pacing over to her side of the bed and rocking him, cradling him in my arms and patting his back.
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“Now come on mamma needs a bit more sleep” I whisper gently and he splutters at me in disagreement.
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“Would you like a bottle?” I ask him softly holding him.
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“Matthew” she whispers and I smile over at the bed into the darkness.
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“It’s okay I’ve got this” she whispers and I smile.
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“Maybe I change him first yeah and make sure he’s dry and then you can feed him” I murmur and she nods.
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Lowering him onto the changing table he thrashes around a little bit at not being in somebodies arms before I place a fresh diaper underneath him and change him quickly.
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“I’m not sure what I would have done without you” she whispers as I lay him down in her arms and take a seat down next to her.
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“Tonight is intense huh” I smile down at her and she chuckles wiping her eyes as she begins sobbing and I glance over at her alarmed.
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“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask her softly and she sighs catching her breath.
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“I honestly don’t know” she sobs as Henry feeds.
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“It’s like emotionally I’m just all over the place. And there’s no real reason for it” she explains softly.
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“I can’t work out whether it’s just tiredness or hormones again” she whispers.
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“It’s most likely a combination of both” I tell her and she nods, wiping her face with her forearm as she holds Henry under his bum.
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“Hey, Henry we need to let your mamma sleep more huh” I laugh stroking his head as he feeds.
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“And I feel so ungrateful, he’s so beautiful and perfect. And I’m crying. Like I have you, I have Ross too helping me and I’m still crying. It’s illogical, this is like the happiest night of my life, I finally get to hold my baby in my arms like I’ve been wishing for months. I finally have him yet emotionally it’s all a lot.” She explains and I nod grasping her hand and holding it.
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“It’s a lot because looking after a baby is a lot” I say softly.
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“How am I ever going to look after him on my own” she says softly and I smile.
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“You won’t be on your own.” I whisper and I mentally make it my absolute goal to be there for them.
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“But one day I will right and I’ll need to just handle everything and I’ve never even thought about that before. Prior to having him I used to imagine strolling around with my baby and doing mom things and I never considered these feelings I might experience alongside it all.” She says shakily as she hands me him and I finish off the burping.
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“Taylor, have you vocalised this to anybody else? I just mean that you seem genuinely worried and I don’t want you feeling this way.” I whisper to her as she lays back down in the bed facing me.
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“Not at all” she whispers as I stand and stroll over to the bedside crib with him. I place him down and rub his back, placing the pacifier in his mouth so that he can suckle on it before standing back and watching him.
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“Please don’t leave me” she whispers and the problem is essentially that I never could. I climb back into the bed, under the covers thankfully with my joggers on.
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“I won’t Taylor, I’m just saying that talking about this stuff is essential. I don’t want you anxious and worrying” I whisper over to her, no touching what isn’t yours I repeat in my head over and over again as she lays on her side facing me and I resolutely lay facing the ceiling.
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“Now try and get some sleep before wake up number two” I chuckle.
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“Thanks for listening to my little rant” she whispers and I smile.
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“I’ll always listen don’t be silly” I tell her softly stroking her hair away from her face as she closes her eyes and falls asleep.
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