Taylor POV
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If I wasn't triggered enough already being in the hospital where I lost baby number one with Matty, now seeing Ross in a bed, on life support should do it. The room is spinning around me, Doctors are rushing in as Ross' machine just started bleeping. And it sounded urgent.
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Just before the doctors grab me to push me out of the door and their way, Jay has me guiding me away his arms around bump.
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"No" I practically scream looking back at Ross.
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Jay pushes my arms down, and I hear Matty telling me I have to leave. I shoot him a glare and push my arms up against Jay but man he is strong.
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"We have to let them do their thing" Jay whispers in my ear, and it's like hearing reason. I stop fighting him and instead I follow him out.
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Myself and Matty are beside ourselves, Jay is in shock as we watch them defibrillate Ross before our eyes through the little window. Whilst inconsolably crying on Jay's shoulder I beg for Ross to pull through.
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I'm not religious and in fact moments just like this gut wrenching one playing out before me, make me feel like an absolute hypocrite. Yet I beg and pray to God internally. Please just not him, not my Ross. I imagine a world where Ross doesn't wake up, where Ross doesn't pull through to see another sunrise. Where Ross doesn't look at me with true blue eyes and pull me in for a hug.
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I cry over and over, my tears drenching Jay's shirt. Feeling Jays hands on my back, I worry about all of the time it's taking. I regret all of the times I hurt him, the times I didn't tell him what he needed to hear. And all of the time that I failed to love him in the way he needed me too.
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The doctor holds the pads above Ross watching the machine for any clear sign. A sign that he is stable or an indication of his passing I am not sure. After what feels like decades he rests the pads down and the nurses begin to check Ross over.
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The doctor approaches the door and I just know that we're all going to be on him. He wipes his forehead and I can see the distress in his eyes.
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"I won't make you wait any longer he is stable" he says quickly. I sigh a shaky breath and squeeze Jay.
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"We have his heart rate hooked up, and any time it becomes disregulated we are aware. It's imperative we act fast in these situations as he is fighting for his life" he explains.
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"The good news is he pulled through. The bad is that he sustained another broken rib in the process. Defibrillation is an extreme measure and often results in injury" he explains.
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"It is worth calling for his parents" he adds and that last sentence leaves me numb.
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"I have" Matty interjects, and I gaze over at his stricken face.
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Nobody dares ask any further questions. We filter back through into Ross' room and I take up the chair next to the bed. I hold onto his hand delicately. Avoiding all of the wires that are just everywhere. I rest my head lightly on the bed frames and I wait.
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I'm waiting for a resolve, for something to change. Praying that change will be him pulling through. I feel Matthew come by and stroke the back of my head.
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"I'm sorry" he whispers and then he leaves. Jay eyes him as he walks out but continues stroking my back.
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"What if he loses" I whisper to Jay heartbroken.
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"He won't" he whispers back softly.
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We spend the next three and a half hours waiting in silence. The only noise that reverberates around the room is Ross' machine. Every heartbeat, every beep gives me hope that I must cling onto.
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Having been silent the entire time, a rare occurrence especially for Rach who now makes the first attempt at resuming communication.
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"Where were you guys at? It must have been remote" Rach asks me, in an effort to lighten the mood. She means the honeymoon.
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Jay eyes me and then decides to take over as I hold onto Ross' hand. His hand which is completely still.
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"We flew to a remote lodge in Tasmania, it was in the middle of the wilderness" he says softly.
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I gaze up at him and smile weakly.
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"It had a lake" I manage without sobbing.
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"Yeah it had no cell coverage or internet" Jay says.
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"Just us" I say softly and I stroke his thigh with my other hand.
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"And what about this dream" Rachel asks.
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I look up at her confused expression and begin to explain the dream I experienced around the time Ross was involved in the accident. Matty ducks his head back in and takes a seat at the end of the bed.
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"I just saw his face, and felt panic and worry. Fear in his eyes. And then I woke up" I finish.
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"It's totally connected right" Rachel says, and I gaze at her feeling oddly disconnected from everybody in my life.
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"It's definitely a coincidence at least" Matthew says and I gaze at him.
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I look back down at Ross and sigh feeling helpless, at a loss. The machine continues to whir and we continue to wait.
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"I've called his mum" Matty says out of the blue.
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"Shes on her way" he explains.
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"Laura is on her way?" Rachel asks and I realise I've never even met his mother. Yet he proposed to me in Australia a month ago.
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I stand up ignoring them chatting. Holding onto Ross' hand and watching over him. He does look calm. He doesn't look as though he is in distress. I stroke his golden blonde hair back, willing his blue eyes to open.
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Rachel reminding me of my dream has set into motion a silly idea in my head. If I can just be here for him, if I can just attempt to talk to him maybe everything will be okay.
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I stare into his closed eyes, thinking about the times we’ve shared together. And it’s totally stupid and bizarre that I’m trying to connect with someone who is unresponsive. But I hold onto his hand, squeezing it just lightly and thinking about him.
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Without a doubt he remains completely still, eyes closed and vacant. I sigh and a few tears trickle down my face.
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“Taylor” Jay whispers standing up next to me. His arms cradle me and he pulls me gently to face him.
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“I’m going to bring some food up” he whispers.
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“What would you like” he asks.
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“I don’t know” I murmur, usually I would be ravenous because of the baby.
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“Burger?” He whispers rubbing my back and I nod.
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“Got it” he smiles lightly. I kiss his lips and he watches me concerned. He kisses me back softly.
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“Don’t leave” I whisper as he pulls away. We haven’t been without each other since the wedding.
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“I have to make sure you eat” he whispers.
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I sigh, he is always right. This growing feeling of anxiety creeps up on me however. And I worry about something happening to him, and it’s totally illogical because he’s just going to get food but the panic feels real to me.
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“I’m going to be ten minutes” he smiles, strokes my cheek and then lets me go.
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