Jay's POV
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Death is not something I had yet contemplated in my life, the death of my father is not something I imagined would happen for a long time. Until maybe he was laying in bed with a big white beard, having lived a long life and seen his grandchildren grow up. The lack of control and the full force of hindsight taunts me especially as I'm used to being prepared for most things, if not all things in life. Always finding some way of justifying them. Not this one however, there's just no explaining it or working out why it had to happen. There's no logic to the situation, no upside and that means that I have no way of processing it.
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As my mother sobs in my arms, I try to ground myself, try to find myself but somehow through every cry I feel myself sinking back down into my past self. The angry adolescent that defied the world and its injustice, the young boy who cried because his mother was in pain. I hear her cries now and I shove my rage back down into my belly, stopping myself from launching myself up in anger.
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"Taylor will be back soon" she whispers as she looks up at me and my red rimmed eyes. Convinced I've ruined my marriage, I shake my head from side to side. It's abhorrent how I could have physically harmed her, no matter the situation it's unforgivable. As a boy I vowed to myself that I would never love a woman, I would never involve myself in any relationship. Love had no place in my future purely because I saw myself as a disappointment. My early relationships affirmed that belief when time and time again I ruined them or sabotaged them. Watching the look of horror on their faces as I smiled and left them to the dust with my commitment issues.
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I vowed this was different, however the illusion I've dreamt up over the years of being good enough for Taylor, worthy even of her love has been shattered by my actions in one evening.
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"Jay darling, I will be fine. Go and see your son. Hold him" my mother whispers softly as I wipe my eyes free of angry tears.
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"Honestly" she says quietly as I pull myself up from the couch looking down at my stained trousers and shaking my head.
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"What if she doesn't love me anymore" I say before I realise I've even said it aloud staring blankly at the large saucepan of linguine pasta and mussels that Taylor made earlier. The perfect dinner that was never finished.
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"Jay my darling, I spent a long time loving your father, God rest his soul, through the worst times. Through weeks that turned into months of difficulties and challenges. But that love between a man and his wife stands strong in the face of adversity" she whispers as I nod placing my eyes upon my mothers grief stricken face. Somehow her skin which usually glows with life seems sallow and her eyes normally a shining blue have lost their sparkle. Standing slowing and placing one useless foot in front of the other I walk slowly up to the first floor. My feet guide me down the hall into the master suite, past the bed where I make love to my wife and finally into our ensuite.
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Turning the brass nob on for the walk in shower as the water crashes down and I climb under it fully clothed in my shirt and suit pants. The water runs a crimson brown as it collects up the blood on my clothing and washes it away. Collapsed on the grey marble tiles with my head in my hands, I focus on the sound of the thudding water crash around me until the water runs clear down the built in drain on the floor.
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Unsurprisingly the look of horror and shock on Taylor's face as my hand connected with her small body is haunting me already. Of one thing I'm utterly clear of is that harming a woman physically is utterly unacceptable no matter the circumstances. My wedding ring glistens under the spotlights as I tell myself over and over again that I'm a monster for harming her, even in my grief and turmoil. Questioning whether when she returns if she will even lay with me again, or whether guided by Matthew she will seek an escape from me and my problems. Imagining her looking upon me in horror and turning away is more unbearable than the traumatic events of the night.
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The steam fills up the walled in enclosure and clouds of condensation smear the glass as I sit motionless contemplating the implications of this whole travesty on my job and the business. Of one thing I'm positive it is that my father will have delineated exactly what is to happen in the eventuality of his death. Despite his young age, Andrew Gilbert Scott would have ironed out all of the creases, stipulated exactly what he wanted to happen and I'm positive that means that I am now a CEO of a multi million dollar business. And that realisation is undoubtedly sitting on my shoulders suffocating me.
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Pushing my wet hair back I hear the door creak imagining her coming in and dismissing me from her life I continue to sit in my misery allowing the water to run down my bare neck and over my shirt.
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Taylor does not say a word as I gaze up at her unbelieving that she's really standing before me in our bathroom. The spotlights illuminating her soft features as my eyes take in her small frame and the expression that sits on her face. One of sympathy, of trust and of love. One that eradicates my pain and self loathing almost instantly as I look into her eyes.
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Standing swiftly as my eyes travel up her bare legs all the way to the very small bump nestled inbetween her hip bones. The sling around her arm that she unclips as I cry realising that I have dislocated her shoulder with the full force of my blow to her body. She quietens my sobs lifting the sling off and placing it on the towel rail before stepping under the stream of water in her gown and into my arms.
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"Jay" she murmurs standing in my chest as her hands rub my back feeling the sodden white shirt crumple under her fingers.
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"I didn't think" I mutter under the spray of the water, the thundering noise of the shower.
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"I didn't think you would come back for me" I whisper looking down into her eyes that only search mine.
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"I will always come back for you" she whispers staring into my eyes unwaveringly.
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"I'd be an awful wife if I didn't" she chuckles softly and I sob holding onto her waist the wet silk sticking to her body.
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"I love you Jay" she whispers holding my face in her hands and assuring me.
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"I love you Taylor, I'm so sorry" I manage as she unbuttons the shirt I'm wearing and shh's me. I watch on as she looks up at me sliding the shirt off of my shoulders and discarding it to the floor.
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"Jay, I love you for better or for worse. I have got you and I love you always." She whispers and I nod thanking the heavens that I have a wife that cares beyond any expectation. A woman who should be walking out on me yet instead she stands by me and still looks upon me with love in her eyes.
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"The baby" I ask softly my fingers working under the straps of the dress and easing it off of her body. Heavily it crumples on the floor of the shower as she nods and I cup my hands over her small waist undoing the white lingerie belt.
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"The baby is fine. Matthew made sure we went to the maternity unit" she whispers and I nod, I hate hearing her say his name but I cannot deny that he is there for her, I just dread to think what he may have said to her. Sure that he would have expressed just how much of a monster I am for hurting her. He is not wrong.
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"The baby is six and a bit weeks" she whispers in my ear, giving me something to dream of instead of all of my fears.
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"Our baby" she whispers kissing my neck softly.
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"Our baby" I whisper back softly massaging her waist with my fingertips.
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"Seeing the baby, made it real" she whispers her lips kissing my chest slowly and her hands rubbing my lower back soothing me.
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"He or she is only the tiniest little foetus but it's real Jay" she whispers looking up at me smiling.
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"This is happening for us now" she says holding onto me and putting me back together.
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"Two children" I whisper in her ear playing with her slick wet hair as I hold her close.
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"A family of four" she whispers as I seize her lips in mine kissing her passionately. She reciprocates and we begin undressing slowly under the water.
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"Make love to me Jay" she whispers breaking free of my kisses as she stares into my eyes.
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"Take me out of the shower and make love to me in our bed" she says softly as I nod slowly imagining being physically close to her again. I switch the brass nob off wondering how I ever would have made myself leave this en-suite without her. Most likely I would have sat under the water until the following evening wallowing in my misery.
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The water runs off of our bodies and onto the heated floor as she follows me through to the bedroom. I grasp her hand lifting her delicately onto the bed before I straddle her. She looks up at me expectantly as I watch the tendrils of her curly hair swarm around her.
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"My husband" she whispers as I possess her feeling close to her instantly numbing a world of pain.
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"I love you darling" she says simply as I lower my body to hers and kiss her delicately all over her chest.
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"I love you and our babies" I say between soft kisses as she moans and I continue to move into her slowly.
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"Is your shoulder okay" I whisper and she smiles gently.
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"You're making everything all better" she whispers softly, a reassuring smile pressed onto her lips before she kisses me. Rubbing my back as my movements intensify and she moans my name over and over again.
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“I thought I’d lost you as well” I gasp looking into her soft face, her eyes red from the pain and crying. Tears that I caused, the fear on her face flashes in my mind and I slow my movements down. The moment I hit her playing before my very eyes. My breathing hitches as I close my eyes blocking out the mental image of my hand connecting with her, my fist pounding into her arm as she staggered looking up at me betrayed.
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“No” I whisper softly reminding myself of how Matthew comforted her and softened her blow to the floor.
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“Jay” Taylor says alarmed, but her voice is so far away and my only vision is her small body on the patio floor. Crumpled over in pain as she stares up at Matthew adoringly, like he’s her saviour.
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“No” I say again with more fervour, angrily as I remind myself of how he rubbed her arm placating her.
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“Jay” she pleads as I beg myself to open my eyes, pleading with myself to tune back into reality. A loving moment with my wife, I tell myself that I’m making love to her over and over again. Yet my eyes still remain on the memory of her in my mind, the moment I betrayed her and hit her with my fists.
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A sharp searing pain pierces through me as my eyes whirl open, focusing briefly on the drapes around the bed. The cream sheets crumpled underneath me as my eyes travel up her body, her thighs and her hips. The small ring in her belly button and the little bump.
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“Taylor” I whisper wiping at the side of my face, the pain reverberating through my cheek. As I look up finally into eyes that are full of worry and concern. More tears shining under the lights as Taylor stutters slowly, her mouth moving yet I cannot make out the words.
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“Jay, it’s okay you just went into shock” she explains slowly looking down at my hands as I realise I have her pinned. My knuckles white as they hold onto her forearms.
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“Matthew heard me” she says softly as my head whirls to the side realising that the pain on my face is down to him. He lifts his hands up in defence, keeping his eyes trained on my face. Emerald eyes steady as he watches my own. Embarrassment courses through me as I become aware of our bare bodies in front of Matthew.
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“I, what” I begin slowly my hands moving off of Taylor as she breathes out steadily and wipes her face free from tears.
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“Jay nothing happened okay, you just were completely still and I didn’t know what to do” she reassures me sitting up slightly and folding her arms around me.
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“Here” Taylor murmurs softly, reassuring me.
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“I don’t want to hurt you” I murmur feeling like I’m loosing my mind. My pride and my damn ego utterly smashed at not being able to even successfully make love to her. Feeling emasculated and useless I lay back down as Taylor guides me under the soft sheets and I will myself to forget the pain and worry in her eyes. The darkness engulfs me as she strokes my back and hair with her soft hands before I loose all sense of reality and drift right into my nightmares.
