Matthew's POV
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Leaving the bubble that is Taylor's new motherhood was a little bit hard, she made me promise to come back. Looking down into Henry’s little face, his fingers clasping her hair and cooing as I brush his face with my thumb. Taylor held onto me by my 4x4 parked up by the water fountain in her home, I reflect on how most people leave their ex girlfriends and never speak to them again. How our situation is unique and different to most people's experiences of break ups. The bond we share, although it sadly doesn't mean we are together as a couple, we care for each other's wellbeing entirely. It's evident in her concern over me, even though she has a newborn to worry about. That's a huge deal for me, for her to just care when in reality she doesn't have to.
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Parking up at Olivia's complex I brace myself, gazing down at the eternity ring on my fingers and willing myself to have the courage to clean up after myself and the mess I have caused. Having returned to Ross' this morning, I loaded the car with two suitcases. One containing clothes for him, and a second containing most of my belongings which are sitting in the trunk as I idle outside in the parking lot briefly considering the cowards way out of this mess.
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My eternity ring, that I made a massive show of getting rid of in front of Olivia shines down at me reminding me of how I crawled around the room trying to locate it this morning. Remembering how I flung it off of my fingers in front of Olivia the other night. This ring has endlessly been a symbol of my relationship and dedication to Taylor, she purchased it for me when we first begun dating. Before we conceived children or could even begin to consider the complexity of our long standing relationship. Taylor, although she certainly doesn't wear my ring, she still has it somewhere. I choose to wear mine now sure of the role of her in my life and in my future however that pans out or whatever it looks like.
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Killing the engine I take a final look down at the ring before retrieving my keys and the small bag of stuff that is Olivia's belongings. I have packed up her life nicely, including all of her belongings and extricated them from my own home.
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Pulling my leather jacket on as I clasp onto the holdall bag I stride over to the complex and she buzzes me in straight away. Walking through the hall I imagine her sat in her clinical apartment that is just a touch too clean and boring.
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One knock on the door that is hers and I hear the latch come off before it opens and she looks over at me as if I’m her worst enemy. She delivered my ex girlfriend’s baby and I told Taylor that I loved her in front of her so really I cannot blame her for the derisive look she gives me. The problem entirely is that I will never not love Taylor, and that is exactly why I have collected Olivia’s things and removed her from my life.
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Stepping aside to let me in, I walk past her and into the living space just hoping that she doesn’t offer me a coffee or a drink. This is the end for us, and no amount of coffee can fix my continuous problems.
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“Matthew.” She says sitting down next to me on the white couch, she folds her legs over and I notice that she’s wearing a simple pair of leggings and trainer socks. I look over at her face, the bag at my feet, her hair has been pulled up in a bun and she has some chick flick on over on the flatscreen.
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“Would you like a drink?” she asks testing the waters.
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“No honestly it’s fine Olivia” I explain softly and she looks up at me almost wounded.
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“Okay what did you want then, you’ve clearly come here with all of my stuff” she says annoyed looking down at her holdall. Her eyes rake over the eternity ring on my wedding finger and she scoffs.
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“Un- fucking- believable.” She says angrily and I wince ever so slightly
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“I just needed to hand you your things back and apologise…” I begin and she huffs; wiping her eyes of tears which I have caused.
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“You did?! Did you?! How considerate of you. Thank you for my fucking belongings Matthew. After all you’re still engaged to somebody who has just had a baby with your best friend; somebody who can never ever be with you and give you what you want. Literally was it all just for show then, taking the ring off in front of me and throwing it over your shoulder like some fucking dumb actor” she exclaims and she is seething. I watch her as she stands in her grey workout top and yanks the bag away from me, unzipping it furiously and pulling out clothes, makeup and perfume. Illogically throwing it on the floor in her anger; my eyes travel over the stuff just dumped on the floor and I look up at her as if she is utterly crazy. This is over dramatic and I hadn’t quite expected this amount of drama.
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“What was it then when you told me that you loved me?! Did you have a fucking epiphany, a great moment of realisation or are you just a good fucking liar?!” She asks me her emotions are escalating rapidly and I need to calm her down before she collapses into tears.
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“So I meant what I said. Olivia honestly I meant it” I say standing and softly taking the bag out of her hand, holding her hands in my own as she shakes with emotion.
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“I meant it” I whisper and she breathes normally again; watching me with an expression that could either mean she’s going to slap me or kiss me. I don’t personally want either of those options and so I hold onto her hands.
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“You begged me Matthew not to leave you, I was going to walk away! And you could have just let me right, let me leave with my fucking dignity. But instead you begged me and made love to me” she explains and I close my eyes just briefly exasperated by my own stupidity.
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“You could have let me go on my own terms. Before any more I love you’s. You’re actually an absolute bastard and I hate you” she says working herself up again snatching her hands from my own.
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“I am and I’m sorry” I agree and she looks at me exasperated.
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“You think this okay ? Just because you agree that you’re a total waste of fucking space. You pursued me, making me feel comfortable forever making love to me. Without any protection by the way.” She gasps and I mentally slap myself around the face.
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“You told me that you loved me” she whispers broken, her eyes appraising me and my worried concerned face.
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“You could have gotten me pregnant” she says softly, wiping her eyes.
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“Have you had a period Olivia?” I ask her and she scoffs, looking back down at the eternity ring and walking away from me over to the small bathroom that adjoins her bedroom. My mind panics just a little, I am Olivia’s first and I’m sure that she hasn’t been keeping track of her periods. Neither have I, I’ve acted terribly here I think to myself. Her first proper relationship should have been real, with a person that wanted her entirely. Not a waste of space like me who was continually chasing feelings with her, continually trying to illicit responses from the relationship as a mere indication of a result of what I had achieved out of her.
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Olivia emerges from the small bathroom with the unmistakable small white stick in her hands, her eyes puffy from the tears that have been falling since she left me the other day. And I realise this is where the anger and disappointment comes from; my inability to read her concerns in our own relationship because of my preoccupation with Taylor.
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Olivia had left that night expecting me to follow her. Her mind filled with worry and anxiety as she thought she may be pregnant with my child. Compounded by the trauma she went through delivering a baby for the first time on her own, she most likely took the test that morning alone. It’s not working in my favour that I left her for an entire two days, but how was I to know that give me space actually meant follow me. Regardless considering my role within her life, I should have anticipated the possibility of her becoming pregnant and most definitely should have been present to support her in that.
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“I already took it” she says hysterically, and I push my brunette hair back calming my nerves and telling myself to keep a lid on any outbursts.
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“Here, I went through all of the emotions of it alone Matthew” she explains handing me the test strip. I glance down at the pregnancy test window, and it’s my first time looking at one and praying that it reads negative. The word negative appears before me and I almost breathe out a sigh of relief, keeping my emotions in check I place the test down.
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“I know that maybe for you having sex with somebody isn’t a big deal. But for me you having sex with me and taking away the first experience that I should have had with the love of my life is fucking painful, because you never loved me. Because you thought you would just help yourself to what you wanted to take and leave right? No big deal. Just take my virginity and then fuck off.” She rages and I take a few steps back from her as she walks towards me.
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“What did you expect me to say? No problem Matthew hope you have a nice life? Now that you have ruined mine.” She continues and I try to think of ways to end this amicably in my head coming up short of any resolutions.
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“I was not the right person for you, because I am a fuck up. I tried Olivia. My intentions in the end at least were to try harder and to make things work but I love her and I always will. That’s not fair on anybody. I know that, and so this is actually me trying to do the right thing” I say softly.
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“The right thing to do would have been letting me leave, the right thing to do would have been not pursuing me in the first place” she explains.
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“I hope that you never get what you want in life Matthew” she says disappointed in me as I look down at the pregnancy test committing the words negative to my memory. The credits roll on the film she was watching before my intrusion and my mind floods with a whole spectrum of emotions; relief from the negative test, misery from the pain I’ve caused and mostly shame.
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“It’s really fucking the icing on top Matthew that you’re so happy that you haven’t managed to fill my womb with a baby. Even though like a stupid idiot, you kept promising me the entire world with no intention of giving me anything at all” she practically spits at me as I look into eyes that are forever altered by my presence in her life, her eyes watch me angrily and I vow not to involve myself with any other woman ever again.
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“So go along and play second daddy to Taylor’s baby right? That the plan? You’re pathetic” she admonishes me and I don’t disagree with her, planning on never ever setting my eyes upon her auburn hair again I retreat from her apartment and she lets me leave with no goodbye.
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