Matty's POV
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Another red light has me cursing through the windshield as I stop the 4x4 hearing the breaks screech. The elderly man crossing the road in front of me flipping me off and shouting something indecipherable to me which I cannot hear over both the loudness of my own thoughts and the heaviness of the music playing in the car.
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Tapping my fingers on the wheel, I know exactly where I'm off too, in such a hurry. It is imperative that I sort my head out, so that all of the thoughts that are currently cascading over one another leaving me unable to function are subdued into nothing. For me, I know that there is only one way to do that.
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As the amber light flicks on I accelerate in the 4x4 and take the highway to my house. My home that I made with Taylor Elena Harris. Before that it was just any suburban, two floor house in California. Any old house with a porch and a tree out front that we would have made a swing set around. With woods past the wooden gate at the end of the back garden that our children would enchant running around in. Taylor would call them in for dinner and we would all sit around the oak table together as a family. I breathe steadily thinking about the forever after that we could have fitted into perfectly. My mind focusing on a single thought instead of everything that has gone wrong in my life since she left.
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Indicating onto the small one track road and driving straight up to my drive, the one at the end of the street I kill the engine and take a deep breath before looking up at our home. Imagining her seated next to me in the passenger seat, each time I park in front of the white wooden porch. How I would practically run around the car to open doors for her and guide her up the porch into the house.
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Yanking on the door handle I pull myself out of the car pacing up to the porch and fitting my key in the lock before hearing the familiar click of the bolt as the door opens. Taking in the quiet is both a comfort that instantly soothes my aching brain and a worry that tells me that I am lonely. Just a single late twenties male with no prospects for a future of happiness.
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Pacing over the wooden parquet floor I walk into the heart of our home, the kitchen. Just a couple more paces and I'm undoing all of the hard work I've done on my sobriety. The cupboard looms in front of me and I stare up at the cream wooden door, the silver handle just waiting for me to pull it and reveal the contents of my stash, my downfall.
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Briefly I recognise that my phone is vibrating on the kitchen island. Having no recollection of placing it down there I ignore its incessant buzzing and grasp the handle. Pulling out the bottle of brandy first and taking two shots as a chaser. It burns as it hits my throat as if it's telling me now is not the time to be drinking. Alone in your kitchen, because you cannot stop the thoughts racing through your brain.
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Resting briefly against the side I grasp my phone and place it back in my pocket before it buzzes itself off of the counter and smashes.
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I hope you never get what you want in life, Olivia had spat at me and truly I cannot blame her. Being the worthless, heartless mess that I am I know that she is well justified in her declaration of calling me pathetic. I take another hit of brandy before pulling out the grinder and papers. Carrying the lot over to the large oak table by the fire I place it all down, and sit looking into the untended fire. The one that I imagined my beautiful children would sit around with my wife.
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My fingers work the circular grinder over the cannabis and I breathe in the distinctive scent. Finding that when my hands are busy, the thoughts are no longer obstructing my ability to function and operate like a normal human being. Taking a long rizla I lay out a very small amount of tobacco before emptying the contents of the grinder on top of my creation. My escape of reality, that will of course burn away all of my many problems.
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I focus for the first time in what feels like hours just rubbing my fingers together to create the perfect tube with the papers before sticking it down and tapping the end on the oak table. Sparking up the joint allows me to breathe again as I inhale and close my eyes. My shaking fingers finally relaxing almost instantly upon my first hit.
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Somewhere in my subconscious the good Matthew that cares about his mental health screams at me that I am a stupid pathetic idiot. That I should have just driven straight back to Jay's instead of taking the self destructive detour back to my past. I quiet him with a second hit, stemming my ability to overthink any situation or to think at all.
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My gaze settling on the mantle before me at the pictures of us throughout various stages of our long relationship; when I proposed to her, her first dance show at university, that kind of stuff. Gazing into her face in each shot I finish off the joint all to myself before my eyes settle on the last picture, surrounded by a white wooden frame. Taylor's writing underneath the picture which I know by now reads the words; first scan. Followed by a teeny tiny love heart that she drew.
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Imagining wrapping my hands around her waist, feeling her rest back onto me as I held onto our future. I take two more shots of the brandy before I pull my focus away from our first baby scan picture and over to my phone. After all the only person that calls me is Taylor.
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My eyes refuse to focus on the recent calls list, so I stand rather clumsily and tend to the fire instead. If I must be a lonely almost thirty something I will be a warm one that sits thinking by his fire. Using the tongs I manage to poke at the wood long enough before chucking a match in the centre and lighting it all up.
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The contents of my shameful binge sits looking at me on the table and so I decide to try to clean everything up. Should I leave it out, I will most likely roll another and begin the spiral all over again. I clasp the bottle first and place it back into its safe space, the cupboard which I should most probably have a bolt on by now.
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I hear the car first before I look up hazily registering somebody parking in my drive. Closing the door on the cupboard and gazing out of the window at the Audi parked beside my 4x4. I watch as Taylor climbs out walking around the car and extricating the car seat out from the back before she walks up to the porch as she did many times when we were together. The door knocks breaking my concentration and I shake myself, almost slapping myself around the face to check that she's really here and I'm not just high as a kite. The door knocks again and I walk over to it, pushing my brunette curls back as I open it up.
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"I called you first, are you okay" she asks me softly standing on the porch as Henry sleeps in his car seat, soundly.
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"I'm okay, come in" I whisper as she walks through the door and I follow her into the kitchen, like it's the most normal thing in the world. Setting Henry down in his car seat as he snores slightly I watch her eye the grinder and sigh.
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"Nope not a chance that I'm having that again" she says almost to herself as she grasps the stash and places it in the bin before I can even protest. Turning to face me she eyes me as if to say don't argue or I will slap you.
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"Honestly I just had one, but you're right" I explain not knowing where to put myself when she's in my personal space. Like she always used to, I watch her as she places the iron kettle on the stove and begins boiling water for tea, smiling down at Henry as he sleeps with a pacifier in his little mouth.
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"Here" she says sashaying her way over to me with a steaming cup of tea, sitting me down at our large oak dining table she faces the fire before looking over at me.
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"I will not let you disappear again" she says finally looking up at me and I nod, remembering the time shortly after our miscarriage where the only thing that interested me was smoking and brandy. How she tried all the time to pull me back, days turned into months before she eventually left. Never to return to my arms as my soon to be wife.
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Taking a sip of her tea she assesses me and smiles slightly before sweeping her long hair over her shoulder.
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"I need you" I say softly as she looks up from her tea. Standing slowly, I kneel before her looking up into her eyes.
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"I won't disappear, I just had a moment. I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls" I say softly maintaining her eye contact and holding onto her soft small hands. Tears fall down her cheek and I shake my head wondering how I managed to maintain this relationship with her, one where she cares so earnestly about me.
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"I was worried" she mumbles and I nod, pushing my hair out of my face.
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"No need to worry" I smile and she catches her breath.
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"I ended things she was bitter, terribly bitter" I laugh slightly.
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"She told me that I was pathetic, practically chucked me out" I laugh and Taylor gasps.
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"No I deserved her contempt. And so I had one because I needed to focus my mind again." I explain softly as she looks down at me, kneeling before her. She pulls one hand through my hair and I rest my palms flat on her thighs.
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"I will not leave" I whisper and she nods watching my eyes. The compulsion I have to pull her into me is very strong, but I must not overstep any boundaries.
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"Ever Taylor, I will not ever leave you" I whisper and she sighs wiping her eyes as Henry splutters and I stand again unclipping the car seat and retrieving him as she dries her eyes off. Staring up at me as I rock Henry in my arms. He grasps onto my little finger as I smile down at him.
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"You're such a natural" she smirks watching me as I hand her Henry and sit down next to her.
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"You're more of a natural" I whisper as she feeds him.
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"All of our memories" she says looking up at the fireplace. I glance up and smile as her eyes rest over the scan picture.
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"I've been having weird, visceral dreams recently. And the other day I dreamt about them" she says eyeing the scan picture before looking over at me.
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"I dreamt that they were toddlers, a boy and a girl. Eating in their high chairs, whilst we" she whispers and I hold onto her hand as she rests Henry on her breast.
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"They were like you and we were just sitting here eating" she smiles and I stroke her thumb, I chuckle along with her as she maintains my eye contact.
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"I've dreamt about it a fair bit too" I say finally and she nods as Henry finally unlatches and she hands me him before sorting herself out. Putting him over my shoulder I burp him rubbing his little back.
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"Stuff like this" I say to her and she nods.
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"Looking after them together, watching them grow" I explain as she watches me rub his back. Eventually he falls asleep in my arms as Taylor clears away the mugs. Standing before me and watching over him, ruffling my hair just once with her hand absentmindedly like she always used too. We settle Henry into his car seat and he doesn't even stir, Taylor hovers a pacifier over his mouth and he suckles on it. I gaze over at her, wishing that she was mine.
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"Now you're coming with me" she smiles, as I pull my leather jacket on and we leave my house with the baby.
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"You'll just have to put up with my driving" she smiles as I clip the car seat into the back, turning the mobile on low and stroking Henry's face with my thumb.
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Before we set off I grasp the bags from my trunk, she laughs when I cannot fit them alongside the shopping in the boot. I secure them in the back seat before climbing into the passenger side.
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Taylor cruises the Audi along the highway, to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star in the backseat. Placing her music on low and I can't help but to stare at her humming along to her music.
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"You know" she smirks over at me with her sunglasses on the top of her forehead as the sun sets in the distance. A warm orange glow that we are driving towards, I turn to her waiting for her to finish over the sound of Haim coming out of the stereo.
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"I never really liked her" she laughs slightly and I laugh out loud, turning in my seat to double check Henry as she smiles at me irresistibly.
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"You told me to get with her" I gasp and she laughs her head falling back slightly.
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"No I know, but she was pretty uptight wasn't she" she explains.
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"For us she was pretty much the most boring person I've ever met in my entire existence" I sigh and her eyes twinkle as she watches me.
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"How did you pull her anyways" she asks me laughing and I sigh brushing my hair back.
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"Ironically, I showed her my art" I explain resting my hand on her thigh casually.
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"She was a little put out by how much I've drawn you babe, but all the same it worked" I laugh and she sighs.
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"Look at you" she smiles.
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"She was pretty much enthralled by just you give or take the art" she laughs as I rub her thigh softly.
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