Taylor's POV
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You can most definitely sunbathe without anything on, in your own secluded pool I think to myself as I slip my red bikini top off looking out over the pristine blue water. Lush green fields surround me as I lounge on my padded recliner. Before Jay had left to take Henry to a dad's baby group he had set me up here on the terrace with the iPad, a few books and a bowl of our own grapes. I reflect looking out into the hills that not many new moms get the opportunity to lay by the pool for hours and so I make the most of my time sipping my iced latte and mindlessly scrolling my social media.
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Placing my phone on the marble table next to me, I realise I'm just mindlessly scrolling instead of taking in the breathtaking views and nature before me. I pull my hair up to the top of my head as the sun hits its peak. The sun sits directly on the top of the skyline, a glowing beam of light that as I look up makes me place my sunglasses on to hide from. There will be no tan lines I convince myself, reminding myself of the cream christening gown I've picked out and how my tan will set it off.
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Henry will be dressed in a christening romper which is traditionally made from white silk with ruffles in the fabric. Jay, unable to contain himself, had smirked at my choice of christening attire for our little boy who only looked on at us pouting his lip. However, I am positive that should Henry manage to keep it clean for the entirety of the ceremony he will look like a cherub.
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Henry's chubby little wrist will hold his designer gold bangle purchased for him by his grandfather, Andrew Gilbert Scott. The proud grandfather had quipped at the time that one day he would be purchasing his grandson a Rolex and I hadn't doubted him. Both Claire and Andrew are visiting us later on today. Andrew will have some business to attend to which will involve him flying back and forth however Claire will be staying with us up until the christening.
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An extended FaceTime call with my mother allowed me to arrange a good time to fly her out to us next week. Although she gasped and cooed at Henry down the phone, exclaiming how much bigger he looked and that she couldn't wait to hold him again, I'm excited to witness her expression when she finally takes in how much Henry has grown in a month. Blonde tufts of curls which look angelic, his piercing blue eyes and his chubby baby hands and feet.
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Looking over my shoulder at the terrace which leads up to mine and Jay's expansive home, the solid cream marble pillars and the ornate doors that lead into the living space, I imagine us enjoying drinks by the outdoor fire pit with our friends. Utilising the pizza ovens to make Italian pizza and drinking our very own red wine in the setting sun.
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Although I had been craving some time by the pool, who wouldn't when your own home has views such as the one before me. Rolling hills and azure blue skies, despite the tranquility I find myself desperately missing Henry. Almost lost without having him to take care of, I'm positive that I keep hearing him cry even though it's an impossibility as he is out with his daddy in Florence. Wondering what baby play groups entail and deciding that they are more for parents to socialise rather than the babies themselves. My phone goes off and I grasp it from the side. Swiping up on the picture of Jay and Henry taken just after I had given birth. The notification reads one new message from Jacob, it sends me into almost hysteria. A panic, a feeling of entrapment as I remember the drama Jacob and I went through.
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Jacob had been my principal dancer whilst I had been hired by a ballet dance company back in the states, we worked well enough together as dancers. However once we got to know one another more; I learned a fair amount about his ex girlfriend who incidentally could have been my twin, the similarities between us were that evident. Jacob had pushed himself on me in my own home, and Jay had just about managed not to kill him.
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The dread and numbness I felt after he forcefully touched me, and tried to do even worse, has not been easily forgotten. And even with time and distance, the contact that he's made taunts me. It places me right back into that moment, the moment where I told him no and he refused to hear it.
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Despite the past drama I take a peek, eyes travelling over the words as I lay with my iced coffee in my other hand.
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Taylor, it's just I can never be sorry enough for what happened between us. And I'm now seated at some random cafe in England, time away was needed from the States. It's helped me a great deal. I just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your baby. I'm sure he or she will very much be here now considering the time that has elapsed. Jacob.
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It appears to me that all of the brunette boys in my life disappear to soggy England when things get rough or challenging, I laugh to myself as I place my phone down again, an edge to my laughter that is sarcastic and angry. Set on unpicking that message in my brain before I even decide to reply.
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Firstly, the phrase what happened between us, is an absolute understatement. Us implies I had some kind of active involvement in his actions, that I have some accountability for his horrid behaviour. It glosses over sexual assault; alluding it to be just some drama that we are past now.
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Secondly, the phrase; It's helped me a great deal. Angers me to the point where I almost scream out loud on my own in the Italian wilderness. Despising the way in which he is making himself the victim. I lay there cursing his golden brown hair, his inexplicable matching tattoo to my own. The bass clef to my treble that I have penned on my ribs.
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Upon first meeting we had seen each other's musical tatoos and put it down to sheer coincidence. We worked as joint principal dance choreographers although our friendship was full of turbulence, that peaked the moment he tried to have a sexual relationship with me against my will. I'm glad you're finding its helping you I say aloud to my phone angrily before groaning and standing up, feeling the sun bounce off of my bare skin. The heat that had once felt warm and comforting suddenly feels suffocating. Like it's burning my skin as it glares down at me.
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Feeling the water collect around my ankles as I descend into the pool; I walk myself into the middle of the shimmering water. It surrounds my shoulders as I gaze out into the trees. Dunking my head back and hastily pulling my hair out of the top knot, I force myself under the water. Closing my eyes and internally going through that moment over and over again until I can almost not see or feel it anymore. His hands pushing me to the floor, intent in his eyes. The need and pleasure he felt from watching my pain. Floating under the water as my hair sprawls out around me I keep my eyes tightly closed. The air I have left in my lungs leaves me lightheaded. The usual birdsong long gone, even the sounds of the rippling water become distant. Until I can hear nothing, see nothing and effectively clear my senses and rid myself of it all.
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The water jolts around me, a huge amount of pressure swishing the water as I open my eyes instantly gasping for air and taking in a whole mouthful of water instead. The impression of Jay's face full of concern looking into my eyes as he, fully clothed, pulls me up to the surface. Henry squeals in his pram which has been left at the side of the terrace, the reality of his screaming hits me and I shake involuntarily. Gasping slightly as Jay's eyes appraise me with a whole host of emotions. Concern and fear, worry and sorrow and lastly pain. Pain that I would be so careless with my life, pain that I pass onto him through my actions.
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"Let's get you inside" he says hauntingly, his eyes travel over my bare body, the usual lust and affection he displays in his eyes replaced by shock. A wide eyed expression that he wears as he holds me into his chest and guides me up to the steps of our home. His clothes dripping water all over the terrace as he steps over the threshold soaking wet. He's wordless as I cough and splutter water everywhere, holding onto my bare chest. A look of apprehension falls over his face before he rushes to grasp Henry from the pram, in order to put a stop to his incessant crying. Standing becomes utterly impossible as I feel my legs go and the room goes dark.
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