"It's okay, baby has been moving" Matty is saying to me. We're seated on the little plastic chairs at the clinic, he grabbed me some water from the cooler and he's now sitting cross legged, arm around my back. He's picked up on my anxiety and I can tell he's doing everything in his power to keep me from crying like the emotional mess that I usually am.
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"I know" I manage and I place my hand over my bump, his hand on my thigh. The ring I bought him shining on his engagement finger, he squeezes my thigh lightly to reassure me.
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Matthew has always been dependable, we almost conceived early on in our relationship when we dated. The first time he made love to me without protection, we had just gotten carried away. He was ready for forever and everything that entailed. However afterwards the dawning realisation that we were only eighteen set in and we spoke about the morning after pill, he didn't rush me into anything. Matthew spoke through our options, without pushing me in any direction. Always making sure that I knew he would be there whichever option I picked. In the end holding his hand I swallowed the little pill, crossing my fingers and hoping that I wouldn't get pregnant.
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I look down at his hand on my thigh and glance back up into his eyes, anybody would believe we were both expectant parents. A couple waiting in a clinic to see their little unborn baby. There's just so many similarities to when we were experiencing this together, the appointments and the happiness.
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We conceived a few years down the line, and I still pictured in my mind what could have been the first time around. The baby I wasn't ready for, the guilt I felt just for not being ready. Our second pregnancy resulted in absolute despair; images of me sitting on Matthew's bathroom floor, the look of pain in his eyes followed by examinations and eventually surgical procedures flash before my eyes. I pull Jays shirt around me, wanting to feel him again. Smell him and have his arms around me.
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"Mrs Gilbert Scott" the midwife announces and I look up at the small grey door where she is standing. Matthew stands helping me up and I'm thankful for him just being there. I'm sure I would have bolted out of fear by now if he wasn't here rooting me to the ground.
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I text Jay telling him I'm at the appointment and that I will update him as soon as I come out. I imagine him in his business suit, ingratiating himself with his colleagues. And deep, deep down somewhere negative in my mind a voice says that I'm annoyed at him for just not being here. For choosing Dubai and his father. In the same breath my rational brain tells me that everything he does, especially his work, is for his family. It is for us, and I shut the negativity down.
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I push myself through the little door, phone back in my purse and Matthew's hand on my lower back. I take a seat first and then Matthew sits down next to me. The midwife, a middle aged woman, with blonde hair looks over at me after she's pulled up my relevant documents on the computer. She smiles softly and asks me how things have been with baby. Looking at us both in turn, clearly assuming Matthew is the daddy.
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"Baby has been moving, we've felt a lot of movements so far" I say with a slight smile.
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"That's fantastic news, it's good to understand what a normal pattern of movement is for your baby. And keep track of it. It helps to understand what is going on with baby" she says and she may be the most caring nurse I've ever encountered. I relax somewhat and Matthew places his hand on my thigh again.
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"Any heartburn? Indigestion?" She asks and I shake my head, no.
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"I'm going to do a few checks. Heartbeat, and I'll measure you and we'll have a little look through ultrasound too" she explains standing and moving around the room.
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I take a seat up on the hospital bed as she approaches me with a tape measure to record the growth of my bump. Matthew comes to stand at the other side and I look up at him, the tape measure going around my waist. She takes a note and then stares briefly at the records. Checks again and nods.
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"Any tiredness?" She asks looking up at me.
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"Yes I've been quite tired most of the time, wanting to sleep so much" I explain and she nods again.
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She smiles reassuringly and asks me to lay back on the bed. I do as I'm told, trying not to worry. I look up into green eyes, that only care deeply for me. Thinking about all of the times I've looked to him for reassurance, for support. He smiles holding onto my hand as the nurse reaches for the doppler.
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She places it on my bump and moves it around. Before my paranoia sets in and I begin to wonder and worry myself silly we hear a strong heartbeat, and tears prick at my eyes. Matthew's hands squeezing mine ever so slightly.
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"130 bpm" she says noting down and smiling.
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"Pretty much slap bang in the middle" she comments smiling again at me and Matthew.
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"I'm just going to apply the gel now and have a look using ultrasound" she explains.
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The gel is cold and it makes me chuckle. Matthew bends to my ear and kisses my cheek just ever so lightly.
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"See" he whispers and tears fall down my cheeks.
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"You two are going to be just fine" he adds softly.
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I turn my head to face him and he's so close to kissing me, again. I smile instead and face the monitor.
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"Wow" I comment. Shocked that baby is now so much bigger. The last time we had an ultrasound baby was much smaller. Which would make sense seen as I've grown in size too.
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"Babies grown" she smiles.
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"I'm going to check the development of all of the organs. And you can definitively learn the sex today if you would like" she explains.
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After having a good look around, and baby turning over and wriggling around a few times we're ready to book in another appointment for when I am 30 weeks. We didn't opt to learn the gender although it was pretty clear to me that baby is indeed going to be a Henry.
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The midwife explains that keeping track of movements is important and to come in should anything not feel right. She asks me to stay on top of nutrition and to up the calories.
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"It's not anything to be worried about but it will most definitely help out with the tiredness" she explains.
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"So please, eat" she smiles.
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"I will of course" I say softly
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"I'll make sure she does" Matty says and I smile at him.
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I gaze down at the leaflets she has given me and look at the images of the ultrasound. Our little baby. My miracle baby.
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"You're half way along now" she comments and I drag my eyes up from the image before me.
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"Have you thought about the birth, breastfeeding or bottles" she comments sitting back in her chair. Clearly a mother herself, her desk filled with pictures of three different children at different ages through time.
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"I haven't but I would like to breastfeed" I say quietly.
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Giving birth, one of the most daunting things to think about as a woman, is not something I have thought extensively about. I’ve been so worried, about losing the baby that it didn’t even occur to me to plan the birth. I look at all of the images of women in different scenarios birthing their children; one image of a birthing pool catches my eye and I read as the midwife is talking to me.
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"I've included a pamphlet, options for birth. Lots of women like yourself with uncomplicated pregnancies tend to have water births, in a private birthing pool" she comments and I briefly imagine myself laying in water pushing an eight pound baby out of me. I meet her eyes and she looks at me reassuringly.
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"It really is up to you and what is important to both of you. Has your milk come in yet?” she asks and my cheeks redden.
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"It has" I say daring not to look at Matthew. Sure that he didn't want to know that my breasts are continually leaking breast milk.
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"That's a very positive sign" she remarks and clicks away at her computer unaware of the embarrassment I'm feeling.
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"So I'm booking you in for a follow up appointment in 8 weeks, but like I say anything happens you must come by and check it, no matter how big or small. Or even if you're just worried about anything" she remarks and I smile at her graciously as we stand to leave.
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“Don’t forget to fill out your birth plan, it helps to have thought about options before hand” she smiles looking over her shoulder. I nod placing the pamphlets in my bag.
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"Thank you" I say as we head back out the door.
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The receptionist smiles at us as we leave, she’s much younger with blonde hair. Skinny with tons of makeup on, and I notice how her gaze sets on Matthew for a few seconds longer. He pushes his brunette hair back casually holding me close into his body, like the ultimate protector.
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Thoughts of young receptionists behind me, we sit in the 4x4 and I take several deep breaths. Nothing is wrong with my baby, I am doing just fine. I am halfway through the journey to motherhood, emotional as anything and ready to start preparing myself for the next thing. Birth and the baby, the second Jay is back we’ll look at the birthing plan and he will talk me through my options until I’m reassured that I can do this.
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In the car Matty declares that before seeing Ross we get some food.
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"More calories, remember" he reminds me smirking.
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I picture the scan and send it to Jay with the words; "Henry".
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"More calories" I say softly and tears form in my eyes.
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He leans in and wipes my eyes with his thumbs.
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"It's just seeing the baby, and hearing the baby, you know?" I say blubbering.
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"I know" he whispers and I look into his eyes shining with tears.
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“I will keep you safe” he says looking at me.
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I look up at him as he watches me, possessively. I hadn’t really considered how much this would affect him too.
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“Taylor” he says softly his mouth near mine.
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“Yes” I manage.
The frustration is evident in his face as he begins pushing at his hair. Conflicted as if he’s debating with himself.
Finally he sets his lips on mine, just quickly. A brush of his lips before he faces the windscreen and wordlessly starts up the car.
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