Jay's POV
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In so many traditions I have read that the soul lingers with the body for forty days after death. But as I look bleakly down at the body of my father in the small funeral home it's hard even through his blue mottled skin and cold lips to imagine my Father's soul ever being without his body.
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The autopsy detailed the intricacies of his demise; it all boils down to a blocked artery which stopped blood flowing to his heart. Andrew Gilbert Scott suffered from a sudden cardiac arrest, his heart stopped as he collapsed before dying. Somehow the unavoidableness and the realisation that I would not have been able to change anything considering the suddenness of his death has allowed me to process it to a certain extent.
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A large ebony black casket seemed fitting, as he lays clad in his best and most finest with a Rolex adorned to his wrist. The crisp white padded interior of the box cushioning him on his final journey. A burial in the Italian soil back into the earth.
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"I love you, dad" I whisper in the faintest of voices as I stare down into his closed eyes and lifeless features. Tears escaping my eyes as the hymns begin and I am expected to sit through the service. Oddly I've never told him, I've never expressed the love I have for my father and it's my biggest regret. I stand willing him to open his eyes and accept my admission of love for him, however rational as I am I know that will not happen. Should you wait a lifetime to say or do something and fate takes away that opportunity then you must live with the regret.
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"I love you my darling" my mother whispers gazing down sorrowfully at my dad's face before guiding me over to a pew.
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Taylor's hands, in long black silk gloves clasp mine as I take up the space next to her and Matthew.
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"I love you" she whispers in my ear softly before wiping my tears away as the hymn comes to a haunting close and the service begins.
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"I love you" I whisper back as she holds onto me dearly. My other hand holding onto my mother's as she stares straight ahead, she has removed herself from her mourning. I know that she is in denial, yet somehow having her being so strong has forced me not to drown myself in brandy every morning.
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Following my father's death the thick fog of denial and confusion cleared for me quickly. Upon the reading of his will it seems that he knew exactly what I would need in order to remain strong. His declarations in his will to leave the entire estate and all of his possessions to me was his way of telling me from beyond the grave that I am to be strong for the others around me. The business is not my mother's responsibility and although this duty is the heaviest I have ever held it's his way of passing his tenacity and determination onto me. I imagine him now resting his steely blue gaze upon me and telling me not to fuck it up and I almost laugh.
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All of those years spent tracking his moves in the old office, I can almost smell the scent of brandy mixed with the ebony oak of the desk from when I frequently snuck in and analysed his business prowess. Learning and taking it all in for this very moment, for the opportunity before me right now. In his death he gifts me with a direction, a sense of purpose and a part of himself that lives on through me.
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Of course, the knowledge of my inherited responsibilities and the pressing need to take charge of the business has had a knock on effect on my marriage. Matthew protested quietly about me leaving her again. Considering her unwavering love and her ultimately saintly acceptance of my wrongdoings he is right. Taylor may find it terribly difficult to love the man I am becoming. Yet the man who I was, the lost soul who experienced grief and hit out at those closest to him will be replaced with a tenacious leader and business man that provides for his family. Surely it's preferable to the monster I could become, the recluse who is forever running.
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"You're everything" I whisper down to her briefly taking in her brunette locks and her soft nude lips. I'm aware of all of Matthew's proposals. From Paris to London and his declaration to take her far away from me, as she told me herself. The trust I place in my wife due to her honour and her loyalty is unending. She rubs my hand and I smile before looking ahead and seeing the service through.
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However, it will not be necessary for Matthew to escort her anywhere or to look after her. As her husband I will be taking my family to Dubai with me. As I look down at the small bump I put in her tummy I reflect on how she isn't aware of our impending departure from Italy, the forever home I promised her will now be mashed up with our time spent away in Dubai. But once I hear her ringing laughter again when I take her onto the beaches of Palm Jumeirah, I'll know that we're okay. I'll take her to restaurants and perhaps even the clairvoyant that predicted her arrival in my life. The undying love that I was promised as an eighteen year old.
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"You're everything too" she whispers softly in my ear as her hands hold onto my own. The service finishes and the finality dawns on me as we walk out to the lush green fields where my father will be buried, for the rest of eternity. A cloudless sky greets us as the sun begins to set on the horizon line. The unmissable hole in the ground marks the spot for the burial with a sweeping willow tree just by the plot.
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I neaten up my black tie and place my arm around Taylor's waist as the casket is lowered into the earth slowly. Keeping my eyes transfixed on it so I remember the moment, so that I can call back on it and feel that sense of finality whenever I am in doubt.
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"No" my mother wails to my left, her sudden outburst is out of character as she pushes forward and the guys hold the casket stationary. Rachel gasps and Christopher holds her into him closely. Matthew catches ahold of my mother and I nod to him as he holds her around the waist and consoles her. The casket begins its slow descent back into the earth and I watch it until it reaches its resting place.
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Uncle Thomas throws in the first handful of soil before looking up at me expectantly. A serious expression drawn over his features as I eye him giving him the same expression I did when I was twelve. The one that says I've got this, there's nothing to fear. Taylor rubs my hand before I take a few steps forward feeling the uneven ground under my feet. The harnesses strapped around the casket slackened off as I stare down into the earth and will myself not to cry. But instead to handle this situation with the respect and dignity my father would require from me.
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The soil I throw into the casket sprays over the top of it and I take a second to breathe before I pull out a slip of paper my hand shaking slightly as I do.
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"It's a bizarre thing to do" I whisper almost to myself as Taylor sobs behind me.
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"But I wrote it all down because I figure I never said anything whilst you were alive" I begin wiping my face as I sob just once, looking up at my uncle Thomas in his black tux as he smiles reassuringly at me.
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"I..." I manage feeling Taylor's hand on my lower back as I cry.
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"When I was younger I pushed all of the boundaries, I tested all of your patience. But really I admired you, I respected you and the business mindset you have given me. Even if I snuck into the office and stole your brandy. What I wanted to say..." I begin my voice breaking ever so slightly
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"Is that you were the best dad I could have asked for, I'm so grateful that we spent the last few years understanding one another better. I'm happy that you met my wife and my first born son." I say softly.
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"I will always be grateful and I will always hold you in my heart" I finish before folding the note up and dropping it into the soil looking up at my uncle and nodding before I step back and allow my mother to finish off the ceremony.
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I watch on as she flings soil into the hole, dressed in an all black pant suit and sobbing. My mother says a few words before the remaining earth is placed upon the casket and my father is buried.
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Theres no social etiquette for a situation such as this one however avoiding any small talk Christopher begins to guide Rachel away from the plot and back to their car. Once the last rays of light from the sun drop below the horizon line I begin to guide Taylor back to our car.
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“I’m so proud of you Jay” she whispers as she turns the ignition on in the Lamborghini. Taylor had insisted upon driving, I hadn’t argued after all she’s only looking out for my wellbeing.
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“You handled that remarkably well” she whispers before putting the car into drive.
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“It’s only because I have you” I whisper rubbing her thigh.
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“You’ll always have me” she whispers as a small smile lingers on her lips.
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