Taylor's POV
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🎧Us - Gracie Abrams
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I'm not watching or anything but Matthew has not returned. Rachel is on her next Prosecco, Chris deep in conversation with Ross. Olivia is distracted by the wine, which is unlike her. I gaze up at Jay and he smiles down at me. Brushing his lips with my own, his mum just over from us. I can't exactly make out with him in front of his parents. I keep it a light kiss, his hand rubbing my arm.
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"I'm just checking Matthew is okay" I whisper to Jay. He smiles at me, he trusts me implicitly. Quite rightly so, I will not be doing anything. But who knows Matthew could be chucking up the contents of the bbq and the rest of his stomach in my sink.
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I take the steps slowly up to the balcony, gazing at the twinkling lights, remembering Ross and Jay pinning them up earlier arguing with each other about whether they were straight or not. I giggle slightly clinging onto my waist.
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The breeze rustling at the hem of my long dress, I step into the kitchen and he's leaning on the side deep in thought. He hasn't noticed me yet, he's facing me side on. Just a single glass of whiskey by his side. And this is exactly why I came to find him, I know him. A man does not attempt to take his own life for no reason; we meant a great deal to one another. But I'm happy he is beginning to move on.
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"Matthew" I say very softly, he looks up at me. In Matthew's head, we've been here together, conceived a baby. And even though I lost it, we envisioned stuff like this for each other.
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"Taylor" he says appraising me.
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"You look wonderful" he sighs breathing in slowly.
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"I was worried about you" I say and he shrugs.
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He looks at me, assessing the situation, I decide to keep my distance. Just because Olivia is one jealous nurse, and I don't blame her one bit. I used to cling to him everywhere we went. I stand facing him on the opposite counter.
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He looks down, deliberates, a wry smile and then he speaks.
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"I was thinking about something, it happens, sometimes I will remember stuff from when we were pregnant. And I don't intentionally..." he begins, and we never ever speak about our baby. Because our baby will never be.
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"I was going to buy a similar musical box" he says softly.
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"For when our baby was born, and we couldn't sleep. Thinking it would help him drive off whilst I swayed with him in my arms” He says smiling, at a fond memory.
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"It's truly beautiful, I think our baby also would have loved it" I tell him, it's what he needs. I've never spoken openly about our baby, it's been too hard for me. My brains defence mechanism was to deny that any of it ever happened. So I give him what he needs finally, I talk about our baby.
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"He would have been so happy, Matthew" I smile at him and he watches me.
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"He would have looked like you" I say.
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"With your eyes" he says and I smile at him.
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"I'm sorry I never could be there for you" I say softly, holding onto my waist as I feel the pressure again.
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"No, Taylor" he says a look of sadness on his face.
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"We should have gone through that together not apart" I tell him breathing steadily through the pressure.
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"You do not need to apologise" he says simply.
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"What were you thinking earlier when you were watching me, out on the terrace" he asks me quietly, a small sip of whiskey.
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"I was thinking, that I was grateful for your gifts, they blew me away. Yet the one thing that makes me the happiest, is seeing you happy and like yourself again." I say softly and he looks down at the floor. After the attempt on his own life, I should have been there more. I left it all to Ross, and I did try to comfort Matthew, but I couldn't give him the love that he needed.
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"I was thinking we can do this Matthew, we can be happy for each other, still be a part of each others
lives" I tell him softly.
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"I haven't asked Jay yet but, I would like it if you were a god parent to my baby. Jay will agree he always does" I say over to him and he smiles up at me finally.
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"I'm not running away from you" I whisper to him.
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"I want you in our lives, but I want you to have your own at the same time" I say poignantly.
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"It would be my honour Taylor" he says with the same expression on his face that I've grown to love, the one that made me say yes to him over and over again. His smile.
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"I think about our baby too" I tell him after a short pause.
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"What he would have been like, looked like or been into. His interests whilst he was growing up. A part of me died when he was gone. And I still love him now." I whisper, we were pretty sure our baby was going to be a boy.
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"I won't ever forget that part myself or my first baby" I wipe my eyes and he crosses the counter pulling me into him. Breathing in steadily as he sobs too.
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"I won't ever forget our baby either, or you, or the time we shared planning our lives" he says and I wipe my eyes. Looking up to see Ross approach us.
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Matthew looks at me concerned, Ross most definitely heard most of that but I've already spilt the beans to him.
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"I told him" I clarify and he nods standing back, he pinches his nose, breathes in steadily.
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"Sorry man" Ross says and he pulls both of us in for a Ross hug. I realise this is exactly what Matthew needed. To be seen, to be able to talk about it after all of these years. And maybe had I of not been this selfish. Had I of been able to process it. And had I of given him this sooner, I would have been able to prevent all of this pain.
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We all stand back and I look at them both in turn. Had you of told me the night I met these two guys, and partied with them until the next morning that I would be standing with them in my kitchen, years down the line married and expecting. I would have questioned whether I ended up with Ross or Matthew, ironically it was neither. Maybe I would have pictured myself with Matty tousling his hair. Or kissing Ross endlessly until we grew old.
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"We've come a long way" I say and the light falters. Just a quick blink of the eye and I'm seeing floaters in my vision. Feeling hot and warm, I look at Matthew and his expression grows concerned.
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Next thing I realise I'm falling to the floor and Matthew is cushioning my blow with his bare hands. His green eyes looking into mine as I murmur his name.
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"Jay" he screams and I've never seen him so distressed. I feel hands behind my hips before I make contact with the floor and I look over at Ross. Alarm in his face. Panic.
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I feel like telling them it's going to be okay, I'm just having a baby, but instead I laugh. Matthew whispers to me that he loves me and I almost chastise him, he was doing so well not saying it. His hand cupping the back of my head.
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"No, Taylor" he says watching me as my eyes close.
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"You will be okay, I will make sure of it" he says hands going over bump as I feel my tummy contract.
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"Pain and pressure" I tell him before I faint.
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