Taylor's POV
~past tense~
March
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Waking up in my room to the sound of Ross getting ready next door, is awkward considering my date last night with Jay. Bearing in mind my developing feelings for Jay, I think I'm close to a decision. Glancing out of the sash window, roses around the sides with their thorns, I sigh and swing my legs out of the bed.
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This is going to be a day, I think to myself whilst washing under the large shower in the bathroom. I've set up a meeting with Matthew, I just felt after everything and the bust up at the party it is the right thing to do. Hash everything out and move forward. Pacing back through the hall to my bedroom I catch Ross' eyes as he explains that he will make the coffees before we leave.
Ross has been patiently waiting for me to kiss him or touch him or anything that would reinstate our connection. He eyes me in a towel in his hall, and it makes up my mind on my next move. I cannot stick around here giving him false hope, I think to myself as his eyes linger over my wet hair and he practically stumbles over his own words.
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Dressing quickly in my own bedroom in front of the open fire, I take in the oak dresser and the fairytale oak wardrobe and sigh realising this will no longer be my life. Opening the sash windows and breathing in the scent of the roses, I stand in my plaid mini skirt and white shirt and look out at the gardens.
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"Taylor hate to break your moment" Ross laughs and I look over my shoulder.
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"But we're kind of late" he smirks with two takeaway cups of coffee in his hands. I watch him briefly imagining my life with him, how we would be the kind of couple that goes to book stores, kisses each other every single morning and night. He would cherish me, he would eventually marry me.
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"You okay?" He asks as I turn and close the sash window. Closing my dreams of being his.
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"I'm so grateful to you Ross" I whisper facing the gardens.
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"Hey it's okay, I'm just happy that you're here with me" he whispers back as I scrape half of my long curls up in a ponytail. One last hug, where I can pretend that I'm his and that this life here with him is enough for me before we leave together.
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Ross playfully holds onto my hand as we walk through the corridors at university. Thankfully as we enter the lecture hall we are forced to go in single file as students are filtering in around us. I lock eyes with Jay as I ascend the steps to our seats and a slow smile spreads across his lips.
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"Morning" he whispers as I pull my jacket off and sit back in my seat, a few buttons undone on my white shirt as his eyes flick up from my clavicles.
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"Good morning" I whisper as Ross looks at us totally weirded out before laughing and getting out his own tablet.
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As carter, the lecturer drones on, going on about a new topic I spend the whole lecture thinking about Jay's hands on my back, his hips swaying with mine and the taste of champagne. I glance over at him several times, each time he smiles before looking ahead to the front.
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"I'm dancing tonight" I inform Ross as we all pack away our things, he looks up at me and I smile weakly.
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"I'm happy to get a ride back with one of the girls, if you need to get back" I tell him apologetically.
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"It's no problem, Tay I'll wait" He says softly.
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"I'll pick you up after rehearsals." He smiles over at me.
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Pulling me into him and embracing me before he walks off to English, I notice that Jay looks away. As Jay and I walk out together I turn to face him and he smirks.
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"I'm going to go into housing and ask for a form, for dorms" I say to Jay and he appraises me.
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"I haven't told anybody. I think it's the right thing to do" I explain and he nods, grasping my hand as we walk past the lockers and down the long hall.
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"Hey you want me to come with you. I mean you can always stay with me but I get why that might not be something that you want straight away" he looks over at me and I blush.
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"Thanks, I'm not sure why I keep telling you all of this stuff, I'm sorry" I say awkwardly, I can't believe he knows about my almost motherhood.
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"Don't apologise" he says stopping me in the hall and holding onto my hands. He looks down at me in the hall and I feel like I'm ready for him. For it all to happen for us.
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"I don't even know where the housing office is" I laugh and he smiles.
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"Luckily for you I do" he smiles taking my hand and guiding me out into the cool March sunshine. As we walk towards the main office, near the dormitory's, he tells me jokes which are surprisingly quite funny. I notice that he doesn't even light up a cigarette like he usually would as he's so busy rattling off jokes to me, it's a pleasant walk and I appreciate him.
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The older lady in the small office smiles at me offering me a form, with a breakdown of prices for rooms and options. They're fairly average and I decide to opt for a quiet, and preferably all female dorm with a seperate en-suite.
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She assures me that they will do their best to fulfill my needs however with it being March they are fairly limited in what they can offer. I appreciate her efforts as she promises that they will be in touch. She literally makes me assure her that I'm not sleeping rough, to which I smile feeling relieved.
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"You okay" Jay asks as we head back over to the main campus.
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"Mhmm" I reply as he holds onto my hand.
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"I just promised I would talk to Matty" I explain to him, as he looks out to the refectory with my hand in his own confidently.
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"I need to sort that out too" I tell him.
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"You are checking off a lot of things today" he says smiling.
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"I owe him to at least tell him where I'm at" I explain to him and he nods holding me. He lingers and I watch him, his lips just inches from mine as the sun beats down on my back. I kiss him, lightly as his hands travel up my arms where my shirt sleeves are rolled up. He deepens the kiss and I moan slightly reaching my hands up to his jaw.
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"You look amazing in this white shirt and skirt" he smiles breaking the kiss briefly.
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"The sun playing on your hair and bringing out all of the golden tones in it" he smiles before I kiss him again.
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"This is a nice jumper" I smirk and he laughs.
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"Never thought I'd see you in a cream Ralph jumper" I tease him and he chuckles.
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"It's new, do you like it" he smiles as I crush my lips into his again.
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"I love it" I smile as he holds onto me. A breeze lightly sweeps through my hair and he strokes it back before letting me go.
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"I'll see you later" he whispers.
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"Okay I'll see you later" I whisper back. One more kiss and then we walk off in our separate directions, this undercover lover role is rather exciting I think to myself as I stroll up to the coffee shop on campus.
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Opening the door and hearing the bell chime, I stand in the queue to order realising that I am somewhat early.
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"Hey" Matty says behind me as he joins me in the queue standing just next to me.
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"Hey" I smile over at him as his eyes search mine.
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"Do you want a coffee or a tea" I ask him softly.
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"Coffee always" he laughs.
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"Hey I'll get them" he propositions as we head to the tills. Matthew carries the tray over to a small table by the windows and I sit opposite him.
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"How are you" I ask him watching his green eyes as he sits sipping his black coffee, in his leather jacket. He's striking as he pushes his brunette hair off of his face. He removes his jacket to reveal a clean white shirt underneath teamed with his Levi's. The man I always knew, and seeing him just makes it all harder.
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"Not bad" he says softly.
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"I'm so sorry about the run in we had at the party, it was totally un called for, and out of hand. So I'm sorry" he whispers and I smile.
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"How are you Tay" he smiles back at me.
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"I've actually decided to move into dorms." I tell him and he looks alarmed briefly.
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"I don't want to impose on anybody and I think it's better to just do things that way. Ross has been great but I don't think it's appropriate" I explain sipping my tea.
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"Right I understand, I ugh yeah. Okay that's a bit of a development" he begins and reading his confusion I decide to just ramble on.
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"I don't want you to feel like you have to have me back. And I know I still have lots of stuff at yours too" I say.
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"It's not fair on anybody so..." I begin looking up at him.
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"I would love for you to come home" he interjects and I pause slightly shocked by this revelation, perhaps he believed this chat was me asking to come back to him. Unfortunately he had assumed wrong.
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"I know that, but we're not where we were" I say to him bluntly.
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"What do you mean?" He asks softly and his hands reach out and hold mine.
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"I mean that we're not who we were together. And as much as I miss you and what we had I need to be on my own and single" I say looking down at his eternity ring placed on his engagement finger. He's never even taken it off.
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"Where are you with all of this" I ask him as he looks down into our hands. Matthew pauses briefly, waiting to form his words.
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"I'm lost. Tay. One minute we were planning our future, living together and now we're here. I'm still who I was, I'm still in love with you. I can't even sleep in my room because I miss you that much Taylor." He says stroking my hands as tears form in my eyes.
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"I love you, okay and I know it's been difficult but I'm not going to just give up on us. I literally can't even think about not having you back home." He says desperately.
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After a brief silence he scrapes his brunette hair back before watching me, his hands open on the table.
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"Do you love me ? Like it's fine if you want your space and your own place but..." he begins.
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"I still need you like I did before" he says.
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"There's a difference between needing time and needing things to be finished" he says finally and I couldn't agree more.
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"I need this time. We were so in love with each other." I begin looking up at him.
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"We were? You said were Taylor" he says watching me taking another sip of his coffee.
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"There's a difference for me, I am so in love with you. Not past tense. I want you back now, if I could take you home today I would. I think about us and our future still" he says imploring me to feel the same.
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I watch him and wipe my eyes, the feelings I have for Matty are still raw for me, fresh and unhealed. Looking into his green eyes, feeling his hands on mine, reminds me of so much. Memories like him laying in bed with me holding me every night. All of it. The love, passion and the pain of the loss we experienced together.
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"The way I feel about my life has changed. We went into this quick, we lived together straight away, and we wanted a baby. I wanted all of those things, but I lost our babies. That's my fault. I could still be sitting here pregnant holding your future but I'm not. And that's something I'm dealing with" I tell him and I wipe my eyes defiantly.
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"That was not your fault. It wasn't Taylor. The nurse told us that sometimes these things happen. It wasn't anything you did" he explains and he looks at me earnestly begging me to just fall back into the girl I was before.
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"Look I think I see where you are at. I'm glad we spoke today, I felt like I was going crazy not hearing your voice." He says finally not wanting to finalise anything too quickly. My brain tells me that I need to be one hundred percent honest with him, otherwise he will see all of this as more of a betrayal. Counting up in my head I decide to just come out with it all.
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"I have to be honest with you" I say to him as he looks into my eyes.
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"Yes anything, look Taylor I don't mind, you won't
make me angry. Please don't stop yourself from coming back to me because you think I will judge you" he says grasping onto my hands, something tells me he suspects but deep down I know that he couldn't possibly guess the whole entire thing. I'm an awful person I tell myself as I hold onto his cool hands.
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"Ross and I slept in seperate rooms, we made sure not to... but one evening we got high and I forced myself on him. He pushed me away initially because he's your friend. But we ended up sleeping together" I say wincing slightly at his wounded expression.
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"Got with him? Like all the way?" He asks me surprised as I nod.
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"I'm sorry Matty. You don't deserve this. At all" I say as he stares at me, just plain stares. And I feel the disappointment and shock emanating from him.
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"You had sex with each other" he asks again just watching me from across the table his hand still in my own.
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"Yes" I say.
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"Why Taylor ? I knew you cared for him. Of course I did but I've literally done nothing but think about you and us. That's it" he says softly.
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"I don't know, I have no excuse. I hurt you I know that." I say as he sighs cursing slightly.
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"Okay, and I'm still not done, it doesn't change shit for me Taylor. Yeah it hurts that you would get with him especially so soon like that. But I love you" he says defiantly, and I know that this will continue to fester in his brain. Right now he is shocked but later he will be angry and hurt by my callous behaviour.
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"How can I even change how I feel about you? Any other person Taylor and I would be done. But you, I know you're the love of my life" he says simply.
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"That's not it though" I tell him and he looks at me utterly abashed.
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"I mean what else could you possibly have done, you're not pregnant with Ross!?" He begins absolutely appalled and I shake my head abruptly.
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"No, I ugh." I begin and he looks at me utterly devastated.
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"It's Jay" he says angrily.
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"You haven't slept with Jay!?" He asks, accusatory tone to his voice. Expression thick with judgement and hurt.
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"No" I say defensively as he pushes his hair back.
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"He just asked to take me out on a date" I explain and he scoffs.
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"I'm sure he did, what do expect me to say Taylor! Did you have a nice time I mean Jesus. I literally said to you over and over again if you like him just tell me straight" he rattles on.
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"I do like him, I know him better. I don't know what any of it means" I tell him.
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"Bloody hell. Jay ? So not only do you sleep with Ross, you're dating Jay" he half laughs pushing his hair back and rubbing his face.
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"Jay seriously, you think you know him" he laughs and I blanch. I deserve this. I've hurt him and he's lashing out.
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"Good luck with that Taylor." He snaps finishing off his coffee.
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"Worst thing is, I'll still be here when you realise that Jay just wants one thing from you. When he ditches you like he does every single girl that he's ever been with. And stupid pathetic me will still be in love with you anyways" he laughs standing up and placing his leather jacket on.
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"He's not like that" I say resolutely standing as he eyes me incredulously.
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"No, I see it now, you wanted to get me out of the way so that you could sample Jay too. I mean Lord does Ross even know!?" He laughs.
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I stare at him incredulously.
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"I'll take that as a no, good chat Taylor thanks for that. Glad to see that we're on the same page" he laughs grabbing his bag and swiftly exiting the coffee shop as I stand looking down at my half drunk cup of tea.
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Honestly, I'm not sure what I expected from that conversation. Should I have told him, that I was in love with him and he had told me he'd slept with Rachel and dated Rhea. I most definitely would have reacted in a similar fashion. My mother's words; you've only got yourself to blame ring in my ears as I ditch the tea and set on walking over to dance.
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