"Babe I promise I'll message you, but I need to do this. I need to explain. I need to get it out and tell him all of the stuff I did whilst we were together" I explain to Jay, he's standing leaning on the car and I'm leaning against him.
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"I understand, Taylor. I love you and I'll come by and pick you up when you're done" he says. He kisses me with a sense of urgency, so much so that I don't want to leave him at all.
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However I do, I get in Matty's car. He's already sitting with the engine running and he looks up at me and smiles when I sit down.
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"Ready" he says handing me his roll up and I sigh.
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"Yes" I say slightly stilted. I don't want to do this, I don't want him to hate me, and I don't want him to look at me differently. However I must, I'm becoming somebody. Somebody that owns up to her shortcomings and somebody who cares about telling the truth and trying to absolve herself from the bad things that she has done.
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He drives off like he always would. I look over at him when we're on the road and I see the man he always was to me. And even though we outgrew each other we definitely shared a space and time together that I will never forget and forever cherish.
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"What's brought this on" he says softly glancing at me.
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" I was thinking about what you said at the party when we were dancing." I say feeling my throat close up at the pain I'm going to see in his eyes.
Oh Matthew, please don't read between the lines here because then I will get wrapped up in your soft green eyes and I will just go along with keeping you selfishly for myself.
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"And I decided that I needed to talk with you. To tell you about everything. To give you some clarification at least" I tell him.
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He smiles and looks at the road.
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"Tay" He smiles.
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"Yes Matthew" I smile
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"You don't owe me shit okay" he says and I know for sure that's his defence mechanism trying to shut me up.
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"Oh but I do. But enough for now" I say and he rests both of his hands firmly on the wheel.
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As soon as we get close to the house I begin to feel the nostalgia. Day in, day out of sitting with him journeying here floods back to me. The little place we called home, still exists in his world.
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"Not all that different is it" he smiles opening up the front door.
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I smile and he lets me in first.
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I walk through to the living room deciding that the kitchen especially holds the most memories for me. I eye the fireplace smiling remembering even that first night when he had been watching me all night long and when I had kissed him as a dare.
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"I'll start the fire, you look at the takeaway menus" he smiles.
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"I already know which one" I tell him.
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"The Chinese?" He laughs. We used to order from the same place every time, sometimes even after me deliberating for almost an hour about where to buy food and then eventually giving in and going for the Chinese.
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"How did you guess" I laugh sarcastically.
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He smiles and I begin our order. Once it's completed I text Jay and tell him all is good and that I love him. He replies and asks me to give him a heads up when I'm ready.
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Matty is seated on his space on the sofa and instinctively I join him. We sit quietly yet not awkwardly for a few minutes.
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"So when I left I always meant to come back myself and just talk through everything. And I realise that that is something I didn't actually do. Because when I did leave it all just unfolded. And it's not fair that after all of that time we shared and all of the things we endured that I just didn't even speak with you properly" I start.
He turns slightly to face me.
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"Matthew you meant the world to me, nothing that happened between us was false. Everything we shared was special and meant something to me" I explain and his eyes gleam. I touch his face lightly and he softens to my touch. I sigh remove my hand and look down into my lap. Moisture forms in my eyes and I cry.
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Matty delicately lifts my face to his.
"You do not have to do this Taylor, whatever it is. It doesn't matter." He begins seeing me distressed.
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"It does because you are so worth it Matthew." I explain.
"You treated me impeccably. You made me feel so perfect and wonderful and I want you to have that again" I say not realising what he will think.
"With somebody special" I add and his face assesses mine.
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"That's not your choice to make Taylor. Whether I love you or not cannot be changed by you. Do you see what I mean ?" He smiles
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He sighs gets up and adds another log to the fire. Just then the door goes and he gets it. It's the same delivery man and he greets him and tips him.
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Matthew comes back in with the food, he sets it down on the table like he used too and then resumes sitting next to me letting me dig in first.
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"Let's eat then talk" he laughs and I chuckle along with him.
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We eat comfortably and he sticks the tv on low. Afterwards I help him clear all of the stuff away. I feel a sharp pang being in the kitchen, which often we used to cook together in, not to mention all of our other activities which I dare not think about right now.
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I follow him back to the sofa and he switches off the tv. He sits with his arm around my shoulder casually. He lets me think for a little bit until I'm ready to talk.
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"So when we were together obviously there are a few things I told you about. Ross telling me he loves me, Ross trying to kiss me." I begin hating myself already.
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"And really as a person in an exclusive relationship it was my duty to make sure that I made it clear to him that I wasn't available. I'm saying that because I feel that maybe I took advantage of your laid back attitude and I should have come clean at the time. Ross kissed me, a whole number of times. I brushed it off because I felt that I belonged with you. Ross held me, he told me he loved me. I didn't push him away. I am not the perfect girl that you had in your mind. Okay?" I begin crying.
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"You gave me everything, absolutely everything I could ever have wanted and I'm sorry but I was not worthy of that devotion" I say blubbering.
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He hugs me and strokes my back. I rest into him.
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"No this isn't about me, or me getting comfort from you, this is my fault. You should be shouting at me and hating me, Matty" I tell him.
I pull back slightly and he wipes my tears away.
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"Taylor I'm so in love with you. Nothing you can tell me will change that. It's literally not possible for me to hate you" He says looking into my eyes.
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I look down into my lap and decide now is the time to tell him. Absolutely everything.
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"That's just Ross. I told you that Jay was pursuing me, I told you he kissed me at the party when we were high. At Ryan's when the weed was laced. But I didn't tell you that after that I let him kiss me again, at his house when we were studying. In his kitchen he got me alone and I didn't resist him. We miscarried the following day. And I can blame that all I want for not telling you, but the truth is I was being a coward, I didn't want to tell you." I say looking at him and he goes still.
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"So I didn't treat you correctly. I wasn't honest and I am a lousy excuse for a girlfriend. I loved you. I did love you but that isn't enough and it does not excuse my behaviour. I am truly sorry for the lies and the deception. You were right about me, you kept mentioning Jay and I could tell it was all unraveling for me. So I ran from the whole thing. And it was not my intention to involve myself in another relationship, I did just want space" I say and he's watching me closely his hands rested in mine in my lap.
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"I need you" he replies and I'm baffled.
"I need you, Taylor. I'm not idiotic, I love you in spite of everything. I knew of course, I knew that they were both hitting on you constantly. I'd like to think at the time that you wouldn't do anything but then they kept hitting on you and I realised there must be something more to it. Otherwise they would get bored right? I just wanted you to be honest with me, to tell me why. And I understood that you needed that space but I hoped that you would decide I was your choice and that you needed me too" he explains and he strokes my face.
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"So no I don't hate you, sorry." He smiles.
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"But Matty you have to understand" I begin
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"Oh I do Taylor, I've been there and lived it. And I was still ready to be the father of your child despite it" he says stands up and gets his smoking stuff. And the weed.
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He begins rolling looking anywhere but at me.
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"I'm glad however you did tell me, yourself" he says.
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"Obviously my feelings for your haven't changed" he remarks concentrating on his roll.
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He lights it up and hands it to me. I hesitate.
"Are you for real Taylor as if I would take advantage" he looks at me earnestly and I do believe him so I take a hit.
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"I think what you need to consider here is, that despite everything I would never ever tell you no. Where is your loyalty then best spent ?" He asks.
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"I'm assuming that because of the way you care about what I think, because of how you react to me. And moreover because you will not be alone with me anymore that your feelings albeit maybe diminished have not left you entirely" he says.
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I hand him the spliff thinking of ways to deny him. I have chosen.
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"Taylor if I play, if I show you still how much I love you is that enough? Will that at least make you think about what we had." He asks and he puts the spliff down in the ash tray facing me.
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"I need to text Jay to pick me up" I tell him
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"I'm not going to do anything, I promise just stay a bit longer" he says retrieving the spliff again. He leans back like he used too. I settle into the sofa and his arm casually goes around my back.
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"While we're here being honest with one another. It's important to me that I tell you exactly how I feel" he explains and I rest slightly back as he hands me the spliff.
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"Now you're not going to deny me that right, seen as I can tell you're all in your head making decisions quickly and trying to push me out of your life" he smiles.
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I nod looking away from his green eyes.
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"I couldn't have ever imagined my luck the day you trusted me again, after everything with Jen oh and Jay by the way. They both stirred the pot continually. And yes my decisions were my own. I did say some stupid shit. But that day when I felt you truly trusted me and looked at me again with nothing but excitement and love for us and for our future, there's not ever a day I don't wake up wanting you to look at me like that again. That I don't think about you and how it felt to hold you and kiss you and call you mine" he says and I look up at him eyes watering.
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"How am I ever going to get you to hate me?" I say
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"I told you it's not possible." He says smirking.
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"Now I'm not telling you to make decisions and to jump straight away. What I am saying is that we should have had this talk way before I let everything happen between us. I am as much to blame as you. You are the perfect girl that I fell in love with and sometimes things happen between people. I'd like to think that all of the things that happened between us, good and bad, shaped us and made us. It's our decisions now that determine what is yet to come" he says and the spliff is gone.
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"Now however don't worry about it. I'm glad we cleared the air, I actually feel better about it all" he smirks and hugs me. He holds onto me his arms around my waist.
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"I love you" he whispers in my ear as he breaks away.
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I stand up slightly shaken still from all of the emotional talk. I have messaged Jay.
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“But you know where I stand right?” I tell him.
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“Yes and you know where I stand” he smiles.
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The door goes and I feel like I’ve done a typical me and spent the whole time crying it away. Matty gets the door and speaks with Jay like they normally would and I collect myself and head out.
Jay eyes me the second he sees me. Assessing whether I am okay. Concern shadows his face and I give him a reassuring smile.
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“I’ll see you tomorrow” I say to Matty.
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He smiles at me leaning on his door. Nodding to Jay which I’ve learnt is the guy way of saying goodbye. I head back to my life with Jay, not totally sure I managed to achieve exactly what I set out to do.
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