Taylor’s POV
~past tense~
March
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Matthew James Henderson the man I used to be madly in love with waits for me at a single table in the coffee shop. He's bought me a drink and it's across from his coffee. He always has his coffee black, we used to laugh that it matched his soul. But I can concur that his soul is nothing but pure white, if you believe in that kind of stuff. I see him the second I walk in, his dark brunette hair contrasting with his white shirt. I know that when I face him I will see his green eyes looking into mine. Eyes that show care and adoration. A softness that I relied on in every difficult moment we endured.
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I walk quietly up to the table and sit in front of him.
"Hey" I say softly unsure of how to interact with him now. Normally I would put my arms around him, embrace him and hold onto him intent on not letting him go. He raises his head and his eyes search me like I knew they would. I think of all the time that has elapsed, exacerbated by the changes in my life and feel like an alien to him. Not myself, a new version of Taylor that's moved on.
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"Hey" he replies softly as I look down and stir my drink. His voice. I'm monumentally glad that I was looking down into my cup. Had he of seen my face I wouldn't have been so successful in hiding my reaction. The burn of desire remembering his voice whispering in my ear, the countless memories of him reasoning and laughing with me in his car, debating stupid stuff and singing in the kitchen. I can feel the nostalgia hit me, instantly when he says one word. All of the moments, through all of the chapters. All boiling down into one feeling.
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"Thanks Matthew, for my drink" I smile and he looks at me like I'm speaking French. I'm sure he would love to know that I miss him, but that's not why I'm here. I put on my best business expression, and I’m sure he's smirking at me. I cross my legs over and resolutely fold my arms on the table.
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"No problem you're welcome. How are you?" he ventures. His tone is caring and patient. It's him, but not quite him at the same time. Something in the way he looks at me has me worried, worried that this is all going horribly wrong. I'm here to ask for closure and he's here to bring me back into his arms. Unimaginably his normal care and patience which would usually evoke nothing but love, brings about annoyance and frustration in me today.
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"I just saw my dorm. It's interesting." I laugh desperate to change tact.
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"Ah okay, what do you mean" he says patiently. I'm being a brat not giving him a chance. I'm sure that one day when I'm more sensible I will look back at this pivotal moment and plead for it not to unfold in the way it's about to. When Matthew has a wife and children he will keep things interesting, but he will be dependable and devoted. He will still be doing his art, he may even have some of the portraits he drew of me. And I will be somebody who is in his past, some girl that he loved. Somebody who he can't quite remember the name of, the person who used to be his world in a past life.
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"There's more alcohol in the kitchen than food and Nate is my neighbour" I say to him sourly.
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"Lord, you got a loud one then" he sighs. Mr responsible that he is, he rests his open hands on the table and I eye him.
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“Rachel lives there too” he adds and I smile weakly.
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"I know, we saw her just now” I begin.
"We're going to see how it goes until we decide" I rattle off not thinking about my choice of words.
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"Who's we" he asks slowly watching me curiously.
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I squirm, knowing that it’s time to break it to him. Knowing that once I say what I’m about to say all of the niceness and reasonable conversation will cease between us and we will end up being angry with one another. But I feel so ready to be with Jay, I know I love him completely and utterly. I'm ready to push my whole life away for one with him.
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"Jay and I" I begin and he swears. Looking at me from across the table, I feel so far away from him. So far from who I used to be for him.
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"Jay and I are seeing each other" I finish telling him.
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"Jay ? You're seeing Jay" he asks stumped.
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"Yes" I say quietly.
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He just stares at me again completely shocked. Anger dissipates into care and regret. He thinks before he says anything else. He composes himself back into being Matthew.
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"So that’s why you’re both changing all of your pictures up" he asks with just a small amount of anger beneath his tone.
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“Going out together and posting up online, for what Taylor to hurt me? To piss me off? Because you didn’t even want to talk to me about it first” he says annoyed.
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"I know him Matthew, he’s different with me" I defend deciding that it’s not his business who I go out with and who I see anymore, he scoffs and shakes his head clearly thinking me stupid and delusional.
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"You got to know who he wants you to see" he says.
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“You think he’s going to change his whole life for you, you think he’s going to stay with you” he smirks.
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"Sorry" he replies instantly regretting his outburst once he sees my hurt expression.
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“Right because I’m not good enough for anybody, because I’m just good for sex.” I say offended decisively pushing my cup away from me.
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"When did this happen?" He asks more softly.
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"This weekend" I reply keeping it straight and to the point.
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“I will stay forever Taylor, I would not leave you. I will be here for the rest of my life. That’s all I mean. You’re not a fleeting moment, you’re not amusement for guys like Jay. You’re better than that. Hell if you told me you were seeing Ross I’d understand. But Jay? I’ve known him for most of my life Taylor. He’s manipulative and calculating, and he will just up and leave you first chance he gets” he explains imploring me to listen.
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Mathew sighs frustrated looking down at his coffee. He finishes it off and grabs his leather jacket sliding it on.
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"Where is he" he asks me angrily standing up and leaning on his wooden chair briefly. His knuckles white from his clenched hands.
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"What?" I say alarmed standing up and slinging my bag over my shoulder.
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"Where is Jay?" He asks clearly.
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"I don't know, that's not going to change anything don't…" I say to him as he watches my face.
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"Clearly" he says to me before walking away from me as I pursue him in the coffee shop and students stare at us.
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"Clearly Taylor me waiting for you, me trying to be there for you every single time you need me doesn't do a darn thing." He explains pushing the door open and almost slamming it in my face.
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"Matty please sit down with me" I ask pulling my Barbour jacket on as we reach the porch outside.
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"I literally asked you whether you wanted space or whether you wanted to end things and you wouldn't tell me straight" he says angrily.
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"So really now I know what you wanted" he faces me outside as I scan the surrounding trees for any help, to diffuse this situation. Where is Ross when you so desperately need him.
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"I haven't slept for weeks, I haven't eaten properly either. The only thing I do is fucking think of you and us. That's it but clearly that doesn't mean a thing" he says to me and I wipe my face panicking.
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Jay comes up behind me, I feel his hands before I see Matthew’s expression turn to utter derision and anger as he spots him.
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"Are you okay" he asks me alarmed at my tears which I didn't know were there and the sound of Matthew’s shouting. This is all my fault. I hold Matthew’s eye contact imploring him to be okay and not angry with me. The last thing I need is a scuffle between my ex and my current boyfriend outside the campus cafe.
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"The only thing I can think about is us and our life. And clearly you just want to move on with somebody that will leave you within a month of getting bored and tired because he's never been in a real relationship" he says angry.
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“You’re unimaginable Jay” he shouts over my shoulder.
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“Complete dickhead, I love her. And you’re just playing with her, like she’s some toy. You know what too? She completely believes you, sat there defending your honour the whole time when I told her what an absolute stupid dickhead you are” he says angrily.
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“Matthew calm down” Jay says in a low voice and I feel him hold onto me around my waist.
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“Us Taylor, remember that?” Matthew implores me eyeing my waist and holding back tears.
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“Our life, our engagement” he explains holding up his eternity ring.
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“Our babies” he says finally for emotional effect as I stare at him utterly shocked that he would bring up the miscarriage so callously in an argument. Our unspoken rule has been that we do not mention the babies to avoid hurting one another’s feelings.
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"Do you have to throw it in my face every single time, okay I lost them. I'm sorry I couldn't end up being good enough to... It hurt me too Matty. A fucking lot." I say crying unable to finish my sentences.
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“I’m sorry okay, I’m sorry I lost them and I’m not good enough for you” I almost shout at him and he looks at me regretfully.
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"Don't say shit about Jay, he helped me through everything. Rather than shouting at me and telling me I'm not good enough. He's there for me. What is wrong with you why do you have to bring it up every single time" I yell at him as he eyes Jay, it dawns on him through Jay’s lack of shock and surprise that he already knew about the miscarriage.
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"I'm sorry Taylor, I'm just in love with you" Matthew explains trying to touch me. I wipe my eyes and practically shove him. Jay pulls me into him again, holding me.
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"You are not, you're in love with the version of me that you want and only her. The perfect one that didn’t lose your babies, the one that you used to love. And after that Matthew you could barely touch me or hold me or even look at me" I say and that's not fair on anybody but I'm so angry with him.
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"Do you even realise how much it hurts losing something that was once a part of you? And then losing yourself and everything else too. And having nobody to… nobody to hold you every morning. Nobody to love you anymore because you’re the failure" I say to him crying.
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"Taylor I’m sorry" he implores, trying to hug me as I push him away.
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"I love you, Please" he says desperately.
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“Please this is not over for us it's not supposed to end this way" he implores me, staring into my eyes. The only emotion I feel is anger as he looks at me and I fail to see the care and adoration behind his stare, the tenderness in his voice and the aching sorrow and the pain that I have caused him. I'm ready to bolt from him because I’m the reason that we are broken.
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“I'm sorry Matty that I'm the cause of all of our problems, that I'm the reason we broke." I tell him and walk away. Jay hesitates before following me down the lane that leads to the parking lot.
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Realising that I haven’t set out what I achieved, that I haven’t sorted out my belongings or even given him the closure that he needed. I thought I owed it to him to be clear, and to an extent I did but I'm also angry with him. I’ve left him, angrily and in tears which is not what I wanted. However perhaps my expectations of that conversation had been too high.
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When we reach the Audi I realise that the Aston Martin has already left. Ross I imagine is home away from all of my drama. Jay pulls me into his chest and hugs me as I cry.
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“Can we stay at yours tonight” I ask him softly as he rubs my back.
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"Let's go" he whispers quietly and I get in his car and leave with him.
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